© John Mack, 1998
[With apologies to Monty Python]
[Sound of knocking]
Head Ms: Come in!
Mr Smith: Hello, I'm Johnny's dad. You wanted to speak with me?
HM [gravely]: Yerss, Mr. Smith. We're very concerned about your son's behaviour.
S: Oh. What seems to be the problem?
[pause, sound of shuffling paper]
HM: Mr. Smith, Johnny's participation in school life has lately been disappointing. He refuses to validate the contributions of the girls in his class. He's been given detention seven times for failing to attend voluntary gender awareness discussions. He creates a hostile environment for his social studies teacher by sitting motionless and staring straight ahead in class, and showing no enthusiasm for anything she says. His contribution to school sports has declined sharply, and other students complain that he blocks the hallways and emits a foul odour. Quite frankly, Mr. Smith, if I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead - I've had him expelled!
[long pause]
S [spluttering]: I ... BEG your pardon!?!
HM: That's right, Mr. Smith - expelled!
S: B ... my son is dead?!?
HM: Yes, Mr. Smith. And that's been typical of his uncooperative attitude lately. In fact I ...
S: My God! How did he die?
HM: Mr. Smith, harping on irrelevancies is hardly going to cure your son of his behavioural problems.
S: But, what happened?
HM [breathes heavy sigh]: Very well, since you insist on dominating the conversation with your own agenda. We were administering your son a more-than-usual dosage of the drugs that we find necessary to induce a well-disciplined state in boys. The dosage, as it turned out, was a lethal one, and induced a more profound stupor than we could have hoped for.
S: You killed my son with a drug overdose!?!
HM: Yes, Mr. Smith. And ever since, we haven't got a decent day's study out of him.
S: Bu ... ga ...
HM: The only positive thing I can say about him, is how straight he sits in class.
S: How ... who ...
HM: Too straight, in point of fact.
S: Gah ... duh ...
HM: We had to bring in the caretaker with his shovel, to make him bend at the knees.
S: You! ... you! ...
HM: Mr. Smith, your male inarticulateness isn't helping this discussion at all.
S: You poisoned my son!
HM: As I've said, Mr. Smith. He has responded by becoming even more passive and lazy. And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it.
S: I BEG your pardon!
HM: Mr. Smith, dare I say that it is the patriarchal influence at home that lead to your son's attitude problems? Need I remind you that every single rapist and wife-beater in this country, has had one male parent? You don't seem to be the best influence on your son, sir.
S: At least I never fatally overdosed him on drugs!
HM: Well, that's patently obvious, Mr. Smith. If you had, we wouldn't be having this discussion. Had you poisoned him at birth, he wouldn't be the patriarchal little tyrant he is today.
S: You're not even sorry!
HM: Well, of course I am, Mr. Smith. The whole thing has thrown my class schedule out of wack. I've had to give the school a half-day off for the memorial service.
S: This is insane!
HM [chuckling]: Well, of course it is.
S: What?
HM: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you've been the victim of my sick sense of humour.
S: Oh ... [greatly relieved] Oh! Thank goodness!
HM: Yes. I wouldn't give a half-day off to bury that little shit ...