Short Jokes
Q.What do you call a fish without an eye?
A. A fsh
What do you call a 3 eyed man ?
Seymour.
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Definition of a camel > A horse, designed by a committee.
How much poorer would the world of literature be, if all
writers always had a good night's sleep ?
Q: What did the cannibal say, after he ate the clown?
A: "Boy, that tasted funny!"
* Illiterate? Write today for help.
* Auto Repair Service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. =).
* Dog for Sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.
* Stock up and Save! Limit one per person.
* For Sale. Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs & large
drawers.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Three year old teacher needed for preschool. Experienced preferred.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
* For Rent. Six room hated apartment.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
* Man, honest, will take anything..
* Used Cars. Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
*Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
*Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
*Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
*Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
*Dinner Special--Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
*Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
*For sale: three canaries of undermined sex. Great dames for sale.
*Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
*Christmas tag-sale. handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
*Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
*Wanted: widower with school age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
*Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
*A superb and inexpensive resturant. fine food expertly served by waitresses
in appetizing forms.
*four-poster bed, 101 years old. perfect for antique lover.
*Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
*Wanted: unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
*Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
*Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Actual Phone
Answering Machine Messages
* Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't
pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll
get back to you.
* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
* Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution,
you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
* (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.
The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
* Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
WIFESPEAK and the ENGLISH.EQUIVALENT.
.....You.want........................You.want.
.....We.need.........................I.want.
.....It's.your.decision..............The.correct.decision.should.be.obvious.by.now.
.....Do.what.you.want................You'll.pay.for.this.later.
.....We.need.to.talk.................I.need.to.complain.
.....Sure...go.ahead.................I.don't.want.you.to.
.....I'm.not.upset...................Of.course.I'm.upset,.you.moron.
.....You're...so.manly...............You.need.a.shave.and.you.sweat.a.lot.
.....This.kitchen.is.so.inconvenient......I.want.a.new.house.
....I.want.new.curtains.................and.carpeting.and.furniture....
.....I.need.wedding.shoes............The..other.40.pairs.are.the.wrong.shade.of.white.
.....Hang.the.picture.there..........No,.I.mean.hang.it.there.!.
.....I.heard.a.noise.................I.noticed.you.were.almost.asleep.
.....Do.you.love.me.?................I'm.going.to.ask.for.something.expensive.
.....How.much.do.you.love.me?........I.did.something.today.you're.really.not.going.to.like.
.....I'll.be.ready.in.a.minute.......Kick.off.your.shoes.and.find.a.good.game.on.T.V.
.....Is.my.butt.fat?.................Tell.me.I'm.beautiful.
....You.have.to.learn.to.communicate.........Just.agree.with.me.
....Are.you.listening.to.me!?.......Too.late,.you're.dead.
....No..............................No.!.
.....Maybe...........................No.!.
.....Yes.............................No.!.
.....I'm.sorry.......................You'll.be.sorry.
.....Do.you.like.this.recipe?........It's.easy.to.fix,.so.you'd.better.get.used.to.it.
.....I'M.NOT.YELLING!................Yes.I.am.yelling.because.I.think.this.is.important.
*******.....In.answer.to."What's.Wrong?"...****************.
.....The.same.old.thing.......................Nothing.
.....Nothing..................................Everything.
.....Nothing,.really..........................It's.just.that.you're.a..jerk.
.....I.don't.want.to.talk.about.it............Go.away,.I'm.still.building.up.steam.
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