List Jokes

Top 17 Programmer's Terminologies

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW
- Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

The comedy of Steven Wright

• Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."
• Cross country skiiing is great if you live in a small country.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
• "Did you sleep well?" No, I made a couple of mistakes.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
• I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• A lot of peole are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• My dental hygenist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
• My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
• "Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour."
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
• I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
  

Headlines that happened

• Miners refuse to work after death
• Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
• Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
• War dims hope for peace
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Red tape holds up new bridge
• Typhoon rips through cemetary : hundreds dead
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
• Kids make nutritious snacks
• Local high schol drop outs cut in half
• Sex education delayed, Teachers request training
• Something went wrong in jet crash, Expert says
• Panda mating fails, Veterinarian takes over
• Stolen painting found by tree
• New study of obesity looks for larger test group
• Backflip on University Exams

Top 20 questions asked in US courts!
"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official US court records nationwide..."

• 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
• 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• 3) Q: What happened then?
  A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
  Q: Did he kill you?
• 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
• 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• 6) Were you alone or by yourself.
• 7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
• 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
• 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
  A: That's me.
  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
• 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death.
  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
• 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
  A: I'll be three months on November 8.
  Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was
  August 8?
  A: Yes.
  Q: What were you doing at that time?
• 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
  A: I used to be.
  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
• 14) So you were gone until you returned?
• 15) Q: She had three children, right?
  A: Yes.
  Q: How many were boys?
  A: None.
  Q: Were there girls?
• 16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes.
  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
• 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
  A: Not yet.
• 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
• 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
  Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
  A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
• Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People are always available for work in the past tense.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• The longer the title, the less important the job.
• Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
• An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
• Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

How to get a hacker into bed (What to do when the chips are down)

Phrases that will turn him/her on
---------------------------------------
How about a little time sharing?
Would you like to try a manual entry?
My response time is shorter than an ELF.
I run on AC or DC.
I'll trade you my software for your hardware.
I'm a member of Aslib.
Want to try my back-up equipment?
How about a digital search?
Boot my system.
I need my cards punched
Mind if I run a cylinder scan on you?
Wanna see my dedicated port?
You can have direct access if you want.
How about a flip-flop?
Are you interested in gang-punching?
Like to see my head rotor?
Let me try your joystick
Kiss my system!
You'll always be LILO in my system.
It's time to log in.
Massage my input.
Wanna twiddle my mouse?
I've also got a slow mode
I'm programmed for parallel processing.
I'm into RAM.
Let's advance the state of the art.
Like some digital timesharing of my TTS?

Clothes that will drive him/her wild
------------------------------------------
White shirt with plastic pencil case in pocket
T-shirt with rock group on front
White socks
Worn out running shoes
Shiny suit pants
Hawaiian shirt
12-point wingtips
Carry a briefcase

Food to stimulate him/her
-------------------------------
Warm Coke
Week-old pizza
Lukewarm coffee

Selected reading to whisper in his/her ear
-------------------------------------------------
On circuit operation (read as if lecturing):
The input signal is impressed on the grid of the voltage amplifier tube, T_1. This signal is amplified and appears across R_1 after experiencing a 180' phase shift.

On common polyphase rectifier circuits:
A three-phase, delta-wye circuit, sometimes known as a three-phase, half-wave rectifier circuit, has the disadvantage of giving a large ripple voltage in the output circuit.

If all else fails, try this winning line:
I = {E \over X_T} \quad{\rm where}\quad X_T = X_{c1} + { X_{c2}X_{c3} \over X_{c2} + X_{c3} } + { X_{c4} X_{c5} X_{c6} \over X_{c4} X_{c5} + X_{c7} }

125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX

1)is it in?
2)that's it?
3)you've got to be kidding me.
4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5)do i have to pay for this?
6)do i have to call you tomorrow?
7)oh momma, momma!
8)oh dadda, dadda!
9)you look better in the dark.
10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11)i thought that goes in the other hole....
12)don't tell my husband/wife.
13)you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14)this sucks.
15)can you finish now? i have a meeting...
16)i hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17)i think you might get the job for this.
18)damn! is that all you know what to do.
19)did i tell you, i have herpes?
20)now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22)i'm hungry.
23)i'm thirsty.
24)zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25)are you trying to be funny?
26)can i have a ride home after this?
27)are those real?
28)by the way, i want to break up.
29)is that smell coming from you?
30)haven't you ever done this before?
31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33)you're so much like your sister....
34)your mom's cute.
35)what's your name again?
36)do i have to be here in the morning?
37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
38)but you just started!!
39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
40)don't touch that!!
41)can we order a pizza?
42)i think my dad is listening at the door.
43)smile for the camera, honey!!!
44)take off that damn monkey glove!!
45)get your hand out of there!!
46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47)i knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
49)DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50)Fire one!
51)God, that is small!!
52)hold on, let me change the channel...
53)who smells like fish?
54)is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55)your best-friend does it much better.
56)hope you don't mind i left my boots on.
57)hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58)you're fogging up the wind-sheild.
59)can i borrow 5 bucks?
60)what the hell noise was that?!
61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62)shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63)you know, you're not really attractive.
64)i'm sorry, i was not listening.
65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66)stop interrupting me!!
67)i have to take a shit.
68)did i leave the iron on?
69)your breath is funky.
70)(start singing Green Day).
71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
73)god i wish you were a real woman.
74)why can't you ever shave your legs?
75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
76)oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.
77)your breast milk is like my mom's....
78)you're hairy!!
79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80)is it o.k. if i never see you again?
81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
82)don't make that face at me!
83)all of a sudden i have a headache.
84)you're boring.
85)i like your tits.
86)suck my dick, bitch.
87)how much do i owe you?
88)How come we each have a penis?
89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me!
90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91)just use your finger, its bigger.
92)does your family have to watch?
93)we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95)can you hold this sandwhich for me?
96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98)my mom taught me this.....
99)how cute... peach fuzz!
100)Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101)should i ask why you're bleeding?
102)this is my pet rat, larry....
103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
105)i was once a woman...
106)wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110)you wanted me to use a condom?
111)you're no better than my brother!!
112)mooooo!!
113)Fire in the hole!!!
114)i wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
115)hurry up, i'm late for a date.
116)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117)you ever see basic instinct?
118)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
119)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120)Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
121)you got boogies showing.
122)(start reciting the 10 commandments).
123)i think i just shit on your bed.
124)of course i don't love you.
125)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

Murphy's Laws On Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.It is always the wrong time of month.
18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22.The younger the better.
23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29.Love is a hole in the heart.
30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32.Do it only with the best.
33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four- letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.Never say no.
46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.Love comes in spurts.
52.The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59."This won't hurt, I promise."

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