3nd List Jokes
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
FARMERS FOUR
DAUGHTERS
This farmer had four very beautiful daughters. He was very
protective of his girls and was in the habit of answering the door with
a shotgun. One evening there was a knock on the door. The farmer picked
up his shotgun and answered the door.
A young man stood there and said to the farmer "Hi, my names Freddy
i'm here to pick up Betty we're going out for spaghetti is she ready?"
The farmer thought this was cute so he let them go..
A bit later the farmer hears another knock and answers the door. Again
there is another young man at the door who says, "Hi, my names Moe
i'm here to pick up Flo we're going to a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer again thought this was cute and sent them on there way.
Once again a short while later there is another knock on the door with
another young man standing there who said "Hi, my names Vance i'm
here to pick up Nanc we're going to a dance, is she ready by chance?"
And again the farmer thinking it was cute let them go.
It wasn't long before there was a fourth knock at the door. Another young
gentleman was standing there and he said to the farmer, "Hi, my name's
Chuck................
The Farmer SHOT him....
How Hot Is It In Hell - A True Story
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic
(gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with
a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is >compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
#1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
#2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded
in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell
is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded only 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to have sex with the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
How many Junkies does it take to
change the lightbulb?
Wow, man , like it is dark......
How many social workers does it
take ?
Just one, but the bulb has to want to change.
12 Tips to
Senior Managers (from underlings)
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always
wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me
a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open
the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening
doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority.
Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost
me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10.Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them
later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11.Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
your life.
12.Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice
to know someone is less fortunate.
Which Condom
would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
[Note - and the EverReady Condoms are best used inside-out, at which point
they keep coming and coming... - ed.]
Microsoft condoms: where do u want to go today (who do ya wanna f**k today)
Texas Instruments condoms: Start doing extraordinary things
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says "Bless
me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for
your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What
happened?"
Tommy replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good
leads."
The Old soldier
Captain Johnson got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation,
she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Captain,
your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but
later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked,
"By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this
morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled
veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Office Prayer
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because
they pissed me off
and also,
help me to be careful of
the toes I step on today, as they may be connected
to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Bad ....
and worse
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrafice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To join a convent.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: Your postman's early
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You get tickets for the theater.
Bad: It's performance art.
Good: Your boyfriends exercising.
Bad: So he can fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas"
Bad: For real
Good: Your daughter is on the pill.
Bad: She's 11.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 380 pounds.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.
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