2nd List Jokes

What Men say...vs...what they mean

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"

While shopping:

"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

The Hitman and the Golfer
Two men where golfing one day and one asked the other what he did for a living. The first man said a mechanic the second man said oh really, well I'm a hit man. the first guy said no shit. The second guy quickly assembled a rifle out of his golf clubs and gave it to the fist man and said take a look.
The first man did, and he saw his wife naked in his back yard. And his neighbor was climbing over the fence and he was naked too. The first man asked the second how much it would cost for a hit and he said, "5,000 a bullet".
Then the first man said ok then take out my wife and my neghbor. The second man said where do you want them shot? The first man said shoot my wife in the mouth and my neighbor in the balls. The hitman said ok.
After a long time the hitman was watching them through the scope. The first man asked why he didn't shoot yet and he said, "if you wait another minute I can save you 5,000".

The farmer & his pigs
A farmer buys several pigs. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. So he takes them to another farmer, who has a prize stud boar.
The farmer asks the second farmer how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The second farmer says they'll lay down & wallow in the mud.
Next morning, the farmer wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck and takes them back again.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and he loads them up again.
The next morning, he can't be bothered looking at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

The Mailman's Last Day.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Three tests for the sailor
There's this sailor who is stranded on a deserted island... Anyway he thought it was deserted, when he gets captured by a tribe of cannibals..
The cannibals are about to kill the sailor but the sailor protests claiming he is a "great warrior". The Chief of the tribe steps in and says...
"If you can prove that you are a great warrior we will not kill you!".
The Chief thinks to himself and then says
"To prove you are a great warrior you must pass 3 tests. If you pass these tests, we will let you live.".
The sailor says "Alright, alright I accept the challenge... wha..wha.. what are the 3 tests?".
The Chief explains, "There are 3 tents,..in the first tent is a jug of wine. You must drink this jug of wine in 10 minutes and not get sick".
"In the second tent.. is a tiger ..with an impacted wisdom tooth. You must extract the tooth from the tiger".
"And in the third tent is my DAUGHTER!!. ..She has already killed 2 of her husbands that could not satisfy her. ..You must enter her tent and satisfy her!".
The sailor begins the tests and enters the first tent. About 9 minutes later he walks out staggering, and swinging the empty jug of wine... but he doesn't get sick, so he passes the first test.
He then enters the second tent and there are horrible sounds from the tiger who is screaching, screaming, and growling... After about 20 minutes the sailor comes out of the tent,.. with scratches, cuts, with torn clothes and says.... "O.K., now where's that lady with the toothache!"

Englishman's week-end in Scotland
An Englishman went for a week-end to a Scottish village. He came downstairs on Sunday morning dressed for a game of golf. The hotel manager stopped him at the bottom of the stairs with the words: "Sorry, Sir, we're a very religious community, and we don't allow golf on the Sabbath."
Disappointed, the Englishman decided to go and have a game of tennis instead. Once again he was confronted by the manager saying: "No tennis on the Sabbath!" Rather fed-up, he thought that surely the locals' religious principles wouldn't object to his going fishing.
But again he was told that fishing here was also a no-no. Realising that for him a Scottish holiday was a dead loss, he went back to his room to pack his things.
At his room he met a rather attractive little Scottish chambermaid. After a little conversation he found that the little lass wasn't averse to them having a little sexual diversion. In a jiffy, she had her shift off and had hopped into his bed. The Englishman congratulated himself on his good fortune! Indoor games were preferable to activity outdoors! And as he took off his tie, he whistled merrily, and he kept on whistling as he took off his shirt.
He was about to take off his pants, when he heard a rustling from his bed and saw the lassie putting on her smock and was hopping out of his bed. He remonstrated with her, saying he thought everything was fixed up. Whereupon she responded: "Please, Sir, I canna fornicate with a man who whistles on the Sabbath!"

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...they would read like these:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working
'Windows' is like that.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
or a rude error message,
these words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Contributed by: Beth

Back to Home