Clean Jokes
Know a good clean joke ? Send it in, and I'll put it here.
Cartoons
Man on phone talking to doctor. He has a flower growing out of the top of his nose. "No, it doesn't hurt. It just looks silly".
My favourite Far Side cartoon :
Teams of sad and downtrodden souls push wheelbarrows of coal to stoke the
furnaces of hell.
Except for one guy, who is whistling happily.
Nearby, one devil says to another "You know, we're just not reaching
this guy".
Sport
Q: What is the difference between cricket and football
?
A: Football is slightly MORE interesting than watching grass grow.
Like this type of joke ? More at the anti-cricket
and anti-football pages.
Actual student answers to exam questions (mind-boggling stuff)
Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in Haiku...
How Hot Is It In Hell ? (a humourous scientific proof)
I think we all know a few silly
laws. Well, here's some that are really silly !
Silly
Laws - More
Silly Laws - Still
More Silly Laws -
The Keypuncher's
Nightmare (apologies
to E A Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheet, still I sat there doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With my fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore.
Saying, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard- I pressed again, but twice as hard
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried, and then I swore.
Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations,
Still there came the incantaion, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bold cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
(Author Unknown)
This one is guaranteed
to get a reaction .....
Two mad keen fisherman
go out on a sub-freezing winter's day. They cut a hole in the lake, bait
their hooks and throw the lines in.
They wait. An hour passes. Nothing. Two hours pass. Still, not even a nibble.
The two men, nearly frozen stiff and very disappointed, are about to leave.
Then a small boy cuts a hole not far away.
The two men watch as he tossed in the line. They shake their heads.
But, almost immediately, the boy pulls out a fish.
Fluke, says one man to the other.
After a few minutes, the boy has another fish. Then another. Then another.
And so on.
The two men's disappointment turns to jealousy and bewilderment.
They walk over the the boy, still reeling in fish at an amazing rate.
"Hey kid" says one man. "We've been freezing out bums off
for two hours without a nibble. How come you're getting all those
fish ?"
The boy mumbles something in reply.
"Speak up kid, I can't hear you".
The boy covers his mouth with his hand then, after a few seconds, turns
to face the men.
The boy says "You gotta keep the worms warm".
Under the Double Integral (This is one of THE classic humour pieces in science humour. If you thought maths isn't funny, read this and change your mind).
12 Tips to Senior Manager (from underlings)
Three woman talk about their husbands
....
Three women were sitting around talking about
their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He
always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes
to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's
going to be when I get it...".
Top 17 Programmer's
Terminologies
St Peter & the
three men
Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission
into Heaven. However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only
admit 33% of applicants today.
The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So St Peter takes each
of the three men aside, in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating
on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to
see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I
heard the water running. My wife was In the shower. I looked everywhere
for the guy,but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.
But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging
from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down
on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got
a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony.
But the fall didn't kill the bum - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged
the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to
the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and
killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back
into the bedroom and shot myself."
St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the
first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment
building.I had Just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practising
them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell
off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another
balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started
jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really
irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he
comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and
I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe
my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was
this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me
and crushing me.
St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then
he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator...
Actual Phone Answering
Machine Messages
WIFESPEAK and the ENGLISH.EQUIVALENT.
.
Release notes, Wife 1.0
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1
to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded
Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space;
and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled
if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say
it)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall
it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've
used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports
hardware with gold- plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing
the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.
-----------------------------In Real Life
When opportunity knocks, Carl Schelin
switch to a better fuel. Server Operations, NASA Headquarters
"One thing Carl Schelin didn't get to put is that they are coming
with their new release 4.1 which will give you a Plug and play girlfriend
4.1....Which means...you always have the option to remove and reinstall...
and like I say....whenever you're in the high....just Plug and Play!!!!!!"
For computer illiterates >He/she/other couldn't tell a megabyte from a mozziebite. (for non-Aus or non-British readers, mozzie = mosquito)
Top 20 questions asked in US courts!
MURPHY'S
LAWS ON WORK
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