School For Scoundrels             No. 12

 

I have often wondered if scoundrels were natural born or if they had to be educated to that state.  I asked my friend Dr. Arnold Haronstetler, an educational psychiatrist, his opinion on the subject. 

He stated. ”It is not well known that there is a University of Skullduggery that has been in existence for many centuries, actually going back to the Pharaohs.  Degrees are available through the College of Crookery in BC (Bachelor of Crookery), MC (Master of Crookery), DC (Doctor of Crookery).  Some of the other Colleges are the Collage of  Conmanship, the Collage of Bankmanship, the Collage of Penmanship (forgery), and the College of Bureaucraticmanship, to name a few.

 “How does one get in to these Collages?”

 “One has to be born in to it.  It largely runs in the “family”.  There are many

departments within the University such as Petty Criminality, Major Criminality,

Confidence Veniality, Political Criminality, and many more.  Many men, and women as well, aspire to become legislators, judges and policemen, and it is by no means uncommon to find many are self taught, however, it greatly enhances their reputation and future possibilities to have such a degree as a BC, MC or DC.

 “I suppose this is quite costly?”

 “Yes and no.” was the answer. “Naturally, the first degree, or BC, might require an initial outlay, but subsequent degrees, as the Masters or Doctors, lead to a realization of income as one becomes involved in their chosen field.  Having a partner of the opposite sex is a great boost forward, as well as having a “good” family background..

By “good” in this regard, I mean one that is well entrenched in their particular field.

 “One of the first subjects brought up at the University”, Dr. Haronstetler continued, “is how to use other peoples monies to further ones own needs and ends.  One cannot just jump in and start using tax-payers monies right away.  There are methods used, such as “money lending” (in order to have funds you must borrow monies that you never intend to pay back) “gambling “ (of course you are the “house” in this venture, as the “house” never loses, “consulting services” (if you say you know it all, but in a very roundabout way, people will believe you).

 “I can see a lot of possibilities in this field”, I remarked.  “Is there any particular

person you should be wary of?”

 “Yes”, came the answer. “W.C.Fields made a very profound statement when he said ‘You can’t cheat an honest man!’ Be sure you don’t try to con that man.

 © Roy Spence 1997