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When you have a vasectomy, you have to be clean shaven.... and I don't mean your chin.
Now it's all well and good talking about shaving your wrinkled retainer, but doing it is another matter.
Some blokes find the thought of squatting in the bath with a disposable in one hand and their freshly lathered fleshy bag in the other, a bit too much to bear.
They would prefer someone else to do it. Someone medical. Someone trained. Someone experienced.
A scrotum shaving professional.
This is where you need to be careful and honest with yourself. Imagine lying down on a bed and having your equipment handled by an eighteen year old nurse called Ophelia. She has moist lips, her hair is in a school-ma'am bun and one of the buttons on her tunic is missing.... and worse of all, she is wearing a nurse's uniform. To divert your attention, you desperately try to think of hideous dog craps or your Grandmother with no clothes on, but in the back of your head you can clearly hear the klaxon wail signifying "up periscope."
If you can cope with that, fine.
Heck, you might even enjoy it.
Then again you could get a matron who's only claim to fame in her brief but failed acting career was as a crone in Polanski's Macbeth.
If you don't like the idea of someone else getting their hands on your treasure, you'll have to do the job yourself.
Not as easy as it sounds. I don't even like using the words testicles and razor in the same sentence. Whatever you do, don't do it when it's cold or you'll end up with a condition commonly known in medical circles as "cheese grater scrotum." Remember to work in a downward direction. Never sideways.... or you'll end up doing the operation yourself.
Don't go overboard. You just need to shave the front section and if you are particularly Neanderthal, you might need to trim some of the surrounding hair with scissors.
And there you have it. A baby eagle sitting in your lap with a ridiculous moustache.
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And I shouldn't have to say this, but I will.... just in case.
Don't use after-shave.
Just trust me on this one.
I'm sure there are guys out there walking the streets who had a vasectomy and found it to be as quick and inconvenient as getting a haircut.
But I've never met them.
All you have to do is mention the word "vasectomy" in a room of blokes for them to come running, desperate to tell their sad and sorry tales of scrotal infection and swollen male bits.
"Infection!.... Hah! Let me tell you about infection."
"Would you like to see the scar?"
"I couldn't do it for ages."
"Swollen!.... Have you ever seen a cantaloupe?"
"I had a vasectomy.... then my wife got pregnant again."
"I can't even use a urinal anymore."
"It's the best thing I ever did."
"It's the worst thing I ever did."
"Now my penis picks up FM radio."
Yep, there's nothing like sitting around with the boys chewing the fat about our collectively severed balls.
It's this kind of camaraderie that makes me proud to have testosterone in my veins.
Anyway, there's usually bruising and swelling for a few days after the operation. There may also be two small lumps above your testes for a month or two, but this is normal.
If you're unlucky, you'll get a postoperative infection which I'm told is like having your squids stuffed into an insinkerator. Other problems exist but are rare: internal bleeding, sperm granuloma, inflammation of the epididymis and toxification of the scrumdiddlyumptious.
But these are all small fry compared to the unbearable itchiness you will encounter when your hair starts to grow back.
Taken from "Dads, Toddlers and the Chicken Dance"
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