The truth about Harry Potter

The story so far: an attention-grabbing American pastor claimed on ridiculous numerical analysis that Harry Potter books were truly evil, and a few librarians started to wonder if it was going to be a problem if parents started quoting this, so I prepared a counter-case. I don't believe it either, but see my note at the end.

There is a lot of misinformation around, but luckily, I am in a position to clarify this. People sent the e-mail mentioned in an earlier message are the victims of a cruel and totally malicious hoax. As it is so vicious, I will not quote it here.

Some years ago, I bought a used computer from a REAL witch, who was still active in her craft. It seems somebody had hexed the hexadecimal on it, and so the said witch was unable to access any of the data.

I know this is the case, because it had a 486 chip in it, and those numbers add to 18, which is 666, the Number of the Beast. Anyhow, I binned the binary, loosened the surcingle which was masquerading as a Knight Bachelor of Black Arts, and managed to find what REAL witches think of Harry Potter.

To be quite frank, my dears, they are terrified. For starters, who is going to take evil ones seriously when a mere schoolboy defeats them time and time again? More importantly, why do you think Voldemort is "not to be named"? Because EVERY TIME THE NAME IS SPOKEN, Voldemort loses power! Significantly, it is only witches who know this, others are not even supposed to know the name.

That is what the recent spate of claims is really about -- saving Voldemort before he is ground under by disobedient children saying the name, and others writing it. Rowling is a clever theologian who knows all about small children, and what they will do when told not to say something.

Unconvinced? Try this proof then: sit for 20 seconds and do NOT think the word "rhinoceros". See? Voldemort is doomed so long as Potter survives (the rumour that he changed his name to Walmart is untrue, but just in case, many stations of Walmart-speaking have been opened in America, especially in the Bible Belt. This would not be so unless what I say is true.

Trust me, I have cast horologists in the past, and I know that by newmaological analysis, (note the communist influence there) that once Voldemort's name has been spoken a total of 18 x 10^11 times (note the Number of the Beast here, once again, and 11, the number of True Disciples -- what could be clearer evidence -- it was also the number of players in the Brazilian soccer team, all highly religious men), then Voldemort's power will be destroyed.

Now significantly, the number of times Voldemort's name needs to be mentioned, more usually written as 1.8 x 10^12, is equal to the speed of light in furlongs per fortnight, a fact that can be established beyond doubt by Web search -- this is not random nonsense, but a powerful truth. And we all know whose side the light is on, don't we?

You cannot argue with numerical evidence like that.

The rumour going around about Potter being evil is a last-ditch plot by the truly evil witches to stem the damage they are suffering, but so long as people like me can find the truth in old computers and in the bottom of teacups, they stand no chance.

I have talked to astronomers who use telescopes (these were named in 1513 -- there is that 666 again, if you know how to look at it) and they all cackled fiendishly at the suggestion that Harry Potter was evil. Now my researches have revealed that astronomers mostly get about at night, and we all know what that means. Yes, they are witches, which is why they use glass with a refractive index of 1.8 (666 again!) as they scan the skies for objects known as Dark Matter and Black Holes.

Well, how much more do you need? Then again, what do they call it when one object goes in front of another -- that's right, it's an occultation! And who is keenest to get space flight going? Astronomers, that's who, because they know that will lead to more Star Trek movies and less attention to Harry Potter. Significantly, space rockets use really big forces, and often have six boosters -- and what does THAT give you after every third launch? That's right, the Number of the Beast!

These people are so transparent, it really makes you wonder that it took so long for people to notice what was going on, right under their noses. I mean, it is a fact that Johannes Kepler's mother was charged with witchcraft, and in his "Somnium", Duracotus is the son of an Icelandic witch!

We must thank the forces of Goodness that J K Rowling came on the scene to fight the good fight against evil, by placing an irresistible challenge before children, to get them to weaken Voldemort, bit by bit -- and it is no wonder the bad people of this world aew saying such terrible things about a sweet and gentle boy. Of course, Pratchett has also weighed in with his travesties, the Wyrd Sisters -- and you can tell what side he is really on, because he wears a black hat, while any truly evil person would wear a white hat to trick us.

There is an easy way to get rid of these evil ones, and that is by saying one of their curses backwards, as this causes them to run, clutching their ears, and once they are out of sight, they turn inside out and die, never to rise again.

Just look them in the eye and say, three times "excreta tauri cerebrum vincit".

They need to be reminded that the excreta tauri is a two-edged sword that can be forged into a ploughshare and used to smack them in the mouth.

(Peter Macinnis has recently been examined in the entrails by a prominent gastroenterologist, and has been declared to be a reincarnation of Parsifal. His rather rumpled appearance is now revealed to be a result of his efforts in fighting evil with the use of his patented virtual normality machine, regardless of the personal cost, risk of his eyebrows being trimmed, or the deafening clatter of small pieces of gold falling out of a slot on the side of the machine.)


SNIP THIS after drawing a moral from it.

Euler's proof that God exists was set out in Catherine the Great's court, where Diderot was preaching atheism, and he challenged Euler to prove him wrong. Euler, a devout mathematician, showed him the proof by writing on a board: (a + b^n)/n = x, hence God exists.

Diderot had no answer to this piece of irrelevance, just as there is no serious answer to the "Pastor" -- it is likely to be a legpull itself, but if it is being used seriously, this bit of flummery has just as much validity -- which isn't actually much of a claim . . .

Then a librarian argued that I seemed to have too much time on my hands, and I explained:

These people, the pastor and those distributing his stuff are book burners, when you get down to it. I am always prepared to find the time to tromp on people like that, and as they picked the fight, I got to choose the weapons -- and I chose ridicule. My numerological guff is as valid as the pastor's (no less and decidedly no more!), so if you accept what he says, you have to accept what I say -- I was fighting flim with flam.

If we don't make a stand, each and every time, we will be back to burning books, and I am sure I don't need to remind you what Heinrich Heine said on that score, but I will quote it to you as I read it in the Bebelplatz in Berlin, last May: Das war ein Vorspiel nur, dort wo Man Bücher verbrennt, verbrennt Man am Ende auch Menschen. (That was merely a prelude. Wherever they burn books, eventually they will burn people too.) Look it up, if you don't know why it is where it is.

I regrettably DON'T have too much time on my hands, but I manage my inadequate time to fight the good fights first, and so must you. We must not only foster knowledge, we must combat ignorance and untruth -- and we must go after the purveyors of ignorance and untruth, the merchants of fear, with sticks with nails in them, pitchforks, burning brands, tar, feathers, and socks filled with sea urchins.

That is a burden, a debt we must take on, on behalf of the next generation. Fail in that, and you have failed the human race -- worse, you have failed to take your place in the human race.

Peter Macinnis

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This file is part of a series, written by Peter Macinnis, and last revised on September 19, 2003.

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It may be freely reproduced for educationally useful purposes (you decide if it is useful), if the file is reproduced as it appears here -- I like people to know that it is me causing them annoyance :-)