The truth about global warming

Have you, too, been tricked by those climatologists who say that the rising sea levels which threaten Pacific atolls and other low-lying bits of real estate are caused by Global Warming? I mean, if there's global warming going on, how come we haven't had any really hot weather yet this summer? And how come it's snowing in Siberia?

The truth is entirely different, according to an informant of mine, who insists on remaining nameless, but who is engaged in a life and death struggle to stem the floods threatened from rising seas, all over the world.

My advice comes from somebody who is engaged in an activity which has been widely criticised by bleeding-heart liberals, pinkos and greens, who cannot see the wood for the trees, but more of that later, because if these people knew what they were talking about, they would realise that trees do not grow in the oceans, so that shows how much they know, right?

First, ask yourself what has changed in the seas in the past fifteen years, and the answer is obvious: WHALES! Huge numbers of them, bouncing around in the seas, making waves and so on. Where once these monster ocean pests were kept down by efficient killing machines, so they could be turned into corsets and sewing machine oil, now women run around with their bouncy bits bobbing, and they buy store-bought clothes, so they need no sewing-machine oil. And who is at the front of "save the whales"? Women, most of them wearing high heels, but I will come back to the significance of that later.

Every whale left alive is one more whale to breed and make even MORE whales! In the interests of our species, we need to rid ourselves of these animals. We need to encourage them to beach themselves, we need to go out and take them, and drag them up onto dry land, to make humanity safe from the depraved and sex-crazed breeding of these disgusting animals. I mean, what does all that whale thrashing around do for water quality, huh?

As well, the pinko-green conspiracy has proceeded to make killing a whale, this noble act of species-preservation into a vicious piece of murder. But if you feel sympathy for the whale, ask yourself one thing: what would happen if a whale landed in your bath, or even in your swimming-pool?

Well, aside from what the neighbours would say, we all know the answer to that: the water level would rise, so what do you think happens every time we add another whale to the oceans of the sea, every time one gets away, or gets pushed off a beach, or gets born? Archimedes knew the answer to that one, and so do we.

But that is only part of the problem. You see, an average human passes about three litres of urine a day, but an average whale weighs as much as about 1600 people, so it produces nearly five tonnes of urine a day!

Of course, when you realise that whales live in the sea, and probably your average whale drinks like a fish, this is probably a gross underestimate, but we will let that go. Try pouring five tonnes of water into your bath, and watch how the level goes up, and you will realise why whales are a world menace, every day they live.

Not to mention all that blubber, which is just another form of oil, and you know what the Exxon Valdez did, right? And whales go into polar latitudes, don't they? And what's the betting they are up there in the north, and down there in the south, rubbing their warm bodies up against icebergs and melting them? Come to think of it, maybe the whales are doing it all deliberately, so they can take over our cities, once they are flooded!

Did you know that a female whale PUMPS OUT her milk, at the rate of a gallon a second, for 6-8 seconds at a time, so that if the baby whale fails to hang on, it gets a face full of milk? Now even those green pinkos say that baby whales are really weak, so they probably don't hang on all that well - and where do you think all that extra milk goes, except into the sea?

Try pouring six or eight gallons of milk into your coffee mug, and the nature of the problem we face will be clear: whale-induced rising ocean levels, all over the world!

It follows that the people who are trying to protect the whale are really trying to drown short people. Ask yourself this: when was the last time you saw a NBA basketball player killing a whale? Never, right? And why do you think that is? If you can't see it, think: what height is the average NBA player?

The Japanese, while not particularly short as a nation, are often typified as short, and so they identify with the downtrodden short peoples of the world, and this, says my informant, is the true reason for Japanese scientific whaling, but if they come right out and say this, the tall people's world leadership will order their expedient demise.

Unlikely? I don't think so - the world's average adult height has been rising for some time, and this could only be because the tall people conspiracy has been rubbing out the more outspoken short people. This is why the Japanese whalers cannot reveal their true motivation.

Out to sea they go, these brave Japanese whalers, to do glorious battle with those barnacle-encrusted excrescences the greenies want to hug. They don't hug them, of course, because they would get scratched by the barnacles, so that shows how much THEY know, right?

So next time you hear some green pinko sneering about researching all the way to the bank, or talking about the only form of science where you get to eat the experiment, please try to remember that the scientific whalers are really serving humanity.

Anyhow, that's what my friend says, and it's all so logical that it must be true. My friends, I hope you will help me by sharing this warning with YOUR friends, before we need to add treading water and buddy-breathing as subjects in the school curriculum.

Next, I'm going to look at who is really forcing all those lemmings to jump into the sea. If you don't hear from me on this, you will know who it is, and also that they have got me - keep the flame of freedom for short people alight!

PS: If you believe this, please get in touch, as I have some really good swamp land to sell, and you can trust me, it will be REALLY dry with all this global warming.

Peter Macinnis

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This file is part of a series, written by Peter Macinnis, and last revised on September 28, 2002.

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It may be freely reproduced for educationally useful purposes (you decide if it is useful), if the file is reproduced as it appears here -- I like people to know that it is me causing them annoyance :-)