Standing Against the Plotters
(kindly translated by Yoshimichi Fukuda)By Futoushiki Ueki
(*NOTE: "Futoushiki" stands for "inequality," in mathematics' terms. But it doesn't mean much in English. It is a parody after a comedian Hitoshi Ueki, who is well known in Japan.)
One day my kid said he wanted to use my PC. So I hastily moved a great amount of porn image files, from deep down the directory of my hard drive to an optical disk. To make the hard drive work as fast as when I bought that, I "defragged" it; then it crashed.
There was no way to restart my PC except from a floppy disk. The hard drive was formatted in FAT16, readable from DOS mode. So I installed a DOS mode filer, trying to back up my address book, Excel data for my own business, and other porn files. With the disk access much slower, the number and amount of the files exhausted me. It took me an entire week.
After stupidly moving all the files, the hard drive was even unable to be re-initialized. So I connected another internal drive and installed Windows 95 onto it. I updated it to Windows 98, too, but the PC still doesn't work fast and comfortable. It took me another two weeks to open up and close down the PC case, again and again, in the small and narrow living room at home, replacing the CPU or installing memory modules. It was like opening a small factory.
"Dad, doesn't your PC still work?"
"No."
"Have you broken it?"
"No, not that.""Listen, boy."
I pulled him near myself."I'll tell you the fact. The PC is a machine of the Devil, sent into Japan by Doctor BillGe, the Evil Fuehrer who is aiming to conquer the entire Globe. When someone finds it's fun and convenient to use a PC and gets used to it, it suddenly reveals its devilish nature, freezing unexpectedly or refuses to start up by displaying various spells, queer and weird. So any good citizen like me is forced to suffer so much trouble."
(*NOTE: By "BillGe" the author is apparently referring to Bill Gates. )
"Then why don't you stop using PCs?"
"Well, boy, my office has already been invaded by the Doctor BillGe machines. If I stopped using them, how can I make money and earn a living? You see, boy."
I connected onto the Internet from the PC I finially managed to recover, and showed him "Larry Brash's Microsoft Bill Gates Joke Page".
"This is Doctor BillGe, the man who plots to conquer the Globe."
My kid is eagerly looking at the pictures. I then clicked the link open, "Hear the sound of Window crashing," to let him hear.
Well, a child will laugh when he hears the sound. Among the numerous Microsoft-Bill Gates joke pages, this page, presented in the website by Mr. Larry Brash of Australia, is one of my most favorite pages. Now that Microsoft has been determined to be monopolizing the personal computer operating systems in the Antitrust case, I expect that a number of new jokes and stories in this well-established genre of web pages. (You've already been tired of watching the picture of Gates thrown a pie against his face, have you?)
By the way, Mr. Brash I have mentioned above appears to be an eager Macintosh fan.
"That's it, Dad. Then why don't you use a Mac instead?"
"No, boy, Macintosh is too an evil machine, lead by Jobutsu the Fearful Guru and the Prince of Darkness, who is trying to invade into human brains by scattering proudly the pictures of his dogs and daughters. It also freezes unexpectedly, or software doesn't start up. But this machine already sits at my office and (and it goes on likewise).
(*NOTE: By "Jobutsu" the author is referring to Steve "Jobs". "Jobutsu" is a Buddhist term meaning death or one's soul resting in peace.)
This is an English translation of a page from WebWatch, a Japanese online newspaper at http://iij.asahi.com/paper/aic/Tue/d_net/19991116.html#watch
Copyright © Larry Brash 1997-9