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DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the ground. Then they grab the plane again,push it back into the air, hop on, etc. Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning. OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. |
They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer. Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there. AND FINALLY ... Air Windows 95: You've heard about it and there are a few people who have actually flown on it, and they rave about it, but you hate them and secretly wish you could try it too. The company has been promising flights for a year but has yet to start selling tickets. |
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Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial 10. Just My Imagination 9. I'm Going Down 8. Let It Bleed 7. Gimme Shelter 6. Bitch |
5. Shattered 4. Play With Fire 3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction 2. You Can't Always Get What you Want ... and the number one.. one.. one.. 1. 19th Nervous Breakdown |
| The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun! |
Who does he shoot??? Gates, twice to be sure. |
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There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." |
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away." |
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11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. 10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. 9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. 8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute! 7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. |
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! 4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary... 1. Seventh day: rested. |
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Poor Microsoft. If it's not one bug in Internet Explorer, it's another. What's worse, there's awhole list of bugs about to be revealed...ten to be precise: 10. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see! 9. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale. 8. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows. 7. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra. |
6. Browsing http://www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug. 5. Turns the IntelliMouse into the StupidoMouse. 4. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake. 3. RSAC rating system blocks Microsoft.com--mistakes "ActiveX" for "sex." 2. Search for "Microsoft ethics" points you to http://www.mafia.org/. 1. It doesn't make Bill any money. |
Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.
Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.
