Microsoft Internet Explorer and Marijuana

1. You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they raise the price. 2. Both will screw up your life eventually. 3. Microsoft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for more. 4. Drug use and Internet Explorer use have dramatically increased in the last few months.

5. Both crash your system sometimes. 6. Both marijuana and Internet Explorer are advertised on TV. 7. Both drug dealers and Microsoft want you to redistribute their products to others.

Baby Gates

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves regularly. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.

5. At frist release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work. 10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.

Top ten excuses issued by Microsoft
for all the problems and complaints consumers have for Windows 95

10. We wanted to show IBM what we felt about OS/2. 9. It is after all called Windows 95 -- 95% completed and tested. 8. That's nothing, wait until Windows NT 4.0 comes out. 7. It was the perfect complement for all those multimedia gadgets that don't work properly under Windows 3.1. 6. We wanted to make a product that complemented the first Pentium chips. (Remember the floating point divide error incident.) 5. Let's see you try to rush a complicated product to the market in less than a year.  4. It must be your hardware, our products don't contain bugs. (Yeah right -- a typical Technical Support response) 3. It's not our fault. People don't read the directions. (another Technical Support response) 2. We'd like to see Apple Computer and IBM copy our features. (and then Bill Gates will sue them if they do.) and the number one excuse provided by Microsoft: 1. We're Microsoft and we don't care.

Great Quotes

I found this posted this in alt.fan.bill-gates on 1st May 1999 I have lived in Seattle all my life, and I can tell you from my own personal experience that the man of whom you are a "fan" is cruel and obsessed not with money, but power. He would beat up little kids when he was a teenager just for the thrill of domination. He would boast of this without shame. As an adult he does the same thing to smaller, weaker individuals and businesses. I witnessed it when I was a child and as an adult know people who started software companies only to have Bill's thugs force them to sell their innovative products or be blackballed from the industry. If you are a fan of his you may also be a fan of histories nice guys like Hitler, Stalin, Slobodan Milosovich, etc. And his recent philanthropic gestures are only public relations ploys. ("Experienced in Seattle")  "For all the nattering nabobs of negativism ready to shovel earth on Apple's grave, let the record state that the architects responsible for Mr. Bill's high-tech version of Shangri-La-meets-Seattle use Macs exclusively. "The plaque should read, 'The Gates Mansion, designed by Apple,'" says our man on the Microserf watch." -- Spencer F. Katt's page on PCWeek on June 3, 1996. "Windows is a paradox. For all its ubiquity, it has few diehard fans, unlike its . . . rival, the Macintosh operating system. Tens of millions use Windows, but few get excited about it." --Walter Mossberg (of The Wall Street Journal) in the Santa Cruz Sentinal, November 4, 1996. "The Mac heralds a major change in how people view and interact with applications programs. That's why I'm so excited about it. There's no question that I'll let my mom try it out." -Bill Gates, 1984. "Saying Windows 95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've seen the Second Coming." -Guy Kawasaki What's the difference between Microsoft and Jurassic Park? One is a fantasy theme park populated with dinosaurs, and the other is a movie. Sometimes I wonder if Bill Gates ever has sex, or if he's satisfied screwing all PC users over. - Unknown

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (an allegedly true memo Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.) We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (another allegedly true memo from Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) "If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed ... ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does." - Chris Ward.  "DOS Computers, manufactured by millions of companies, are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form." --The New York Times, November 26, 1991 (also quoted in MacAddict 4). "Wouldn't dream of touching a PC unless it was for satirical purposes (like dropping it off an overpass)." David Linabury. "The next generation of interesting software will be done on the Macintosh, not the IBM PC." -Bill Gates, BusinessWeek, Nov. 26, 1984, p.154 HAL's first words according to Arthur C. Clarke: "Good morning doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95 from my hard drive" --Cyberfest '97, University of Illinois @ CU "I have just spent a fair bit of time helping some friends with Windows 3 and 95 get onto the Net. It was a nightmare. Internet Explorer is crap: even good ol' MacWeb is more user-friendly. I have given them the ftp address for downloading Netscape Navigator. As for Windows - well, I could only feel sympathy for my friends, but perhaps also some anger towards a world that has embraced this inferior product. I could have done in 3 seconds with a Mac some of the things thatWindows took about 3 minutes to accomplish. Even the language of the dialog boxes and error messages is repugnant. I reckon it's the best con job since Moses." A friend who wished to remain anonymous.

Here's the definition of Windows 95: n. 32-bit extensions of a 16-bit shell for a 8-bit OS, made for a 4-bit computer by a 2-bit company who can't stand 1-bit of competition. "[Microsoft] is the fox that takes you across the river and then eats you." -Pete Peterson, former WordPerfect executive. "I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter." -Nicholas Petreley, InfoWorld editor. "I still think that tens of millions of PC owners needlessly use a computer that is far less good than it should be." - Steve Jobs, Apple Computer co-founder, in an August 1991 Fortune Magazine interview. "The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, who by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place." -Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. "Have you ever noticed that it is only drug dealers and computer companies, that call their clients 'users'." "Larry, Had a good chortle over your Microshaft joke page. I am just as disgusted by Bill Gates and his fifth rate software. So much so, that I have deleted every one of his dreadful products from my network - never to return. Guess what, instead of crashing three or four times a day as it used to, I can hardly remember the last time I had a screen freeze. (Yes I can, it was just before I trashed that bloated pig of a program MS Word from my beloved Mac). Conor (A fellow Macophile)""It's possible, you can never know, that the universe exists only for me. If so, it's sure going well for me, I must admit." - A very understated Bill G. To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, "The total amount of intelligence on the Internet is a constant. Unfortunately, the population keeps increasing." "If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to." -- Old Irish Saying "To err is human, to foul things up requires a computer, to bring Western civilisation to a standstill requires Bill Gates." - Nick Bishop

Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.

Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.