Windows NT 5

Written by Daniel Sweet

My little rendition of "99 red ballons", taking place with the release of Windows 2000-XP-2003 Server.

You might want to note that OSI=Open Source Initiative and OSS=Open Source Software. It's also worth noting that Windows 2000 is NT 5.0, XP is 5.1, and 2003 Server is 5.2. It's generally bashing all three now.

"I was working at a Compu-shack,
where people bought computers with the money they got,
we'd start selling at the crack of dawn,
till one by one, they were gone,
but they were second-rate,
and there was bugs in the software,
that kept telling users "Something's out there,"
And they all were meant to die,
because they came with Windows NT 5...

They came with Windows NT 5!

NT 5, from Microsoft,
was truly a piece of shit,
and there's certainly better 'round,
but that's something they won't admit!
Their war machine sprang to life,
opened up a sinister eye,
focusing it on OSI,
and combating it with NT 5!

40,000 holes, times three,
with just as many mysteries,
Linux had them really worried;
they called their troops out in a hurry.
This is what we've waited for!
This is it boys, this is war!
Our OSS is on the line,
as we wage war with Windows NT 5!

NT 5 has scared away the Server/Enterprise clients,
while everyone's a developer on the free Open Software,
we all try to identify the bugs that might catch someone's eye,
to blow ol' M$ into the sky,
by rejecting their own Windows NT 5!

A mighty dream, Bill Gates has had, but we're sending it to the ground,
Compu Shack's over, and I'm fighting violently,
to destroy the infamous monopoly.
If I could find a souvenir, just to prove the end is near,
And here is an NT disc, I recall the fight, and throw it out."

Corporate Takeovers

On a typical business day, Bill Gates is negotiating some Corporate take-overs.

"So, Mr. Gates, you are looking to buy out Radio Shack, Best Buy, and Circuit City? Is that correct?"

"Yes" answers B.G.

"Would you like Fry's with that?"

Submitted by Rhys Marshall

Microsoft Nearing Completion of Death Star By Avi Muchnick Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced that it will complete construction of its newest Death Star by mid October, in a press conference given Wednesday. With all of humanity likely to crumple beneath the iron grip of Microsoft come October, widespread panic has ensued. More than 30 rebellion uprisings have taken place only to meet with failure at the hands of Microsoft's superior fleet. "This is necessary for Earth's survival," said Bill Gates, chair and founder of Microsoft, speaking from his luxury box above the slave arena. The death star, the most powerful weapon in the universe, will give Microsoft unbridled power in the realm of world domination. Gates said he plans on using the death star to destroy the moon, and cease all tidal activity on Earth in an awesome display of the power Microsoft Windows XP SP1. "Darkness will reign eternal," said Gates. "Society will once again know the power of the left hand of Microsoft and will tremble at the right." Society is not pleased. "This is the second time Microsoft has been up to no good," said Deena Williams, 17 of Massapequa, NY. "Do they think we've forgotten about their 'giant ray gun of peace and justice?' Chicago resident James Fargo, 62, says that he suspects that the death star may not be all that Gates promises.

"I suspected something was wrong with those new rules about giving up your first born son," said Fargo. "Something tells me that a giant weapon larger than Earth hovering above San Francisco can't be as good as they say it will be." Microsoft insists it is. The death star will provide for the quick and economical usurpation of all world power, according to Steve Ballmer, CEO. "I don't see how that could be even remotely bad for us," said Balmer. Microsoft shares were up on the news. This article was found here

Abort, Retry, Ignore.

(Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes4
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... for those who don't, you are too young anyway.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)...............................

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.

Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.