The Top 11 Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then

11 Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.

10 Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.

9 Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing
his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."

8 The "Good Plague" hoax.

7 Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to
the rear to start again.

6 The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times
larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.

5 Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off
the head of Steve Jobs. 

4 Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-
invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.

3 Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.

2 Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released
until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.

Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...

1 The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries,
like stonemasonry and weaving. 

The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List

14. Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter.

13. Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place.

12. Stop payment on Satan's check.

11. Search JobOptions.com: Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion

10. Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer.

9. Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud.

8. Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego."

7. Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O'Connor.

6. Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno's doorstep.

5. Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done."

4. Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists.

3. Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture of Janet Reno.

2. See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Bill Gates's To-Do List...

1. Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.

Fact, not a joke: Did you know that Macintoshs have always been Year 2000 compliant, but PCs made prior to 1996 are not?

Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.

Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.

Copyright © Larry Brash 1997-2000