Thanks to all these good folk who have sent me the following.

Created and submitted by Mike Elliot. Sick of Micro$oft's monopoly on the browser market? Well, there are plenty of alternatives! Visit Mozilla and try another browser.

Submitted by Telcontar - found in a PC Zone magazine Microsoft Word 97 had some features that were well hidden in the Options Menu. Most of us thought these were just standard features of Word, but it is nice to know Microsoft was actually thinking of its users. This menu can be accessed by pressing alt-ctr-esc whilst typing "I LOVE BILL GATES". (Don't try this at home, kids)

Used with permission of Claire Driscoll

From Clare Driscoll "Anti-trust suits, Java wars, Temp insurrections...what's a billionaire to do?"       The Microsoft Antitrust Defense Fund Homepage

From Jim Wagner

The Ballad of Bill Gates - sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies......

Come 'n listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill Poor programmer all he could do was steal It happened one day while he was copying someones code, In through the door busted Janet Reno! Attorney General that is, Federal Goverment, US Justice Well the first thing you know is that 'ole Bill's on trail He claimed he was innocent but he was in denial, Reno says fair is the way it ought to be and he gets convicted of being a Monopoly! Microsoft that is, Anti-Competitive, Harmed Consumers

Ole Bill thought he could fight it, but his stock got tanked, It wouldnt have helped if he owned all the banks. Gave money to politicians, thought he could win it on Appeal. But 'ole Billy was guilty through his own will. Gates that is, Billy Boy, Guilty as hell! Well now its time to say goodbye to Bill and all his friends. Soon all your money will be gone with the wind, Sorry you all invested in a Bad Company... but Bill was anti-competitive and he was a Monopoly! Sit a spell, Take your shoes off, but dont buy back now, not in MSFT...ye hear!

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From Michael Wojcik

Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'General Protection Fault' or 'Illegal Operation' warning.

We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also mentioned that Microsoft is intending to add banner ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near future. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

From Jett Jacoby

Counterfeit Microsofters Arrested! By Linda Galeazzi Editor-in-Chief

June 6, 1999. Eight suspects have been arrested in connection with a counterfeiting ring that produced and sold illegal copies of such Microsoft products as Windows 98 and Office 97. Microsoft officials are relieved to hear of the arrests. "We don't like the idea of someone offering illegal copies of our software," said a source, "especially when their illegal copies run better than our legal and much higher-priced versions." Retail value of the seized merchandise was estimated at approximately $56 million, and the suspects are now facing numerous charges, including trafficking, money laundering and a little-known law called Daring To Fuck With Bill Gates. U.S. Attorney Alejandro Mayorkas told the press that the ring was being run out of Los Angeles and is checking out rumours that Mexican slaves were being used to mass-produce the phony software. "If it's true that they were paying illegal immigrants $1.50 a day to produce this crap, then these people are in even WORSE trouble than we initially thought," says an insider. "Microsoft only pays ITS illegal workers $1.15. How good does THAT look, huh?"

It seems the counterfeit programs were dangerously authentic-looking and came complete with fake Microsoft manuals showing how to run the programs. One purchaser became suspicious about the product when he ran through the manual and read such instructions as, "Insert CD Rom into that CD Rom thingy. Just look on the front of your computer. It should be there," and "This program may not run exactly as guaranteed. In fact, if you smell smoke, don't stop. Just run! Run for your life!" "I knew when I read those instructions that this couldn't come from Microsoft," the insider says. "It was clear to me that this manual had been written by an intelligent, computer-savvy technician, and not some 'You want fries with that?' Microsoft technical writer." The defendants are now in jail, awaiting bail hearings. CyberStones psychics predict that the eight will never EVER see the light of day again. I mean, come on .. we're talking MICROSOFT here! Bill Gates! 74 billion dollar net worth! Trust us, you can kiss these eight muchachos goodbye!

From Mick Tully.

Blue Screen of Death

"In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customise the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSoD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes. "The move comes as a result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked: "What do you spend the most time doing at your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said: "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death". At 54%, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer - "Downloading pornography" - by an easy 12 points. "We immediately recognised this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." Explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters. Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customisable BSoD, which appeared side-by-side with the older, boring and static version.

Users can select from a collection of "BSoD Themes", allowing them instead to have a Mauve Screen of Death, or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSoD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users. The BSoD is by far the most recognised feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control of its look-and-feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as "the ultimate information portal". By default, the new BSoD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customise the BSoD on systems they ship. 'Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, SEC & Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSoD. Ballmer concluded by getting a dig into Apple Mac and the Open Source community: "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than Open Source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux even has a BSoD, let alone a customisable one."'

From M.A. Joy in Bahrain

I have a serious original joke about Bill Gates. It is imaginary and only a joke but could be a big secret about this man. How did the name "Windows" originate? Bill Gates wanted to be immortal by giving his name to the new product.

However he was afraid that it will affect acceptance and sales of the new product and was a little shy as well to call the product the by his name "Gates". But he could not resist the temptation and thought of naming it "Doors" - a door is not very different from a gate functionally. But he thought that the resemblence was too obvious and he would be exposed in no time. So instead of Doors he chose "Windows" and he was not exposed till today until I write this!

Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.

Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.