Dear Abby:  Should I Be Honest?

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft? Yours "Desperate"

Come one, come all -- step right up for a chance to toss a pie at your favorite Billionaire. Whether sticking his head through the circular cut-outs in the "pieboard" or riding by on a tricycle,

Bill is there to have fun with you and help you enjoy throwing pies in this Carnival-like atmosphere. This screen saver features an Interactive Mode that allows you to control the pie action!

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Installing Software

This is not really a joke, but a comparison between the installation instructions for the same software on Windows 95 and Macintosh. I bought a copy of TOY STORY ANIMATED STORYBOOK for my kids and noticed the installation instructions for both operating systems. WINDOWS 95 Installing the program: 1. Click the Start button on the Taskbar. 2. Select Settings, then the Control Panel. 3. In the Control Panel, double-click on the Add/Remove Programs icon. 4. On the upper portion of the Install/Uninstall tab. click the Install button. 5. When prompted to insert CD-ROM, click on Next. 6. The command line that appears will read: D:\SETUP.EXE (If your CD-ROM is designated by a letter other the D:, the appropriate letter will appear. 7. Click on Finish to start the installation. Follow the on-screen prompts.

Starting the program: 1. Click the Start button on the Taskbar. 2. Select Programs from the Start Menu, then Disney Interactive from the cascading submenu. Select TOY STORY ANIMATED STORYBOOK. MACINTOSH Starting the program: 1. Remove the CD from its protective case and place it in your computer's CD-ROM drive. 2. Double-click on the TOY STORY ANIMATED STORYBOOK icon to start. Big difference!! The joke is that they had to pad out the Mac instructions by adding the self-evident instruction to put the CD in the computer! So, it really needs just one instruction for the Mac and nine for Windows 95.

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New Windoze Messages

The following are new messages that are under consideration for the planned Windoze 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)  15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word: "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?" 25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way. From: "Simon J. Grosvenor"

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Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.