Microsoft & Bill Gates Jokes

The Recent News Items

US secret agents work at Microsoft: French intelligence (True story)

Source: AFP | Published: Saturday February 19 2000, 7:44 AM

PARIS, Feb 18 - A French intelligence report today accused US secret agents of working with computer giant Microsoft to develop software allowing Washington to spy on communications around the world.

The report, drawn up by the Strategic Affairs Delegation (DAS), the intelligence arm of the French Defence Ministry, was quoted in today's edition of the news-letter Le Monde du Renseignement (Intelligence World).

Written by a senior officer at the DAS, the report claims agents from the National Security Agency (NSA) helped install secret programmes on Microsoft software, currently in use in 90 per cent of computers.

According to the report there was a 'strong suspicion' of a lack of security fed by insistent rumours about the existence of spy programs on Microsoft, and by the presence of NSA personnel in Bill Gates' development teams.

The NSA protects communications for the US government, and also intercepts electronic messages for the Defence Department and other US intelligence agencies, the newsletter said.

According to the report, 'it would seem that the creation of Microsoft was largely supported, not least financially, by the NSA, and that IBM was made to accept the (Microsoft) MS-DOS operating system by the same administration.'

The report claimed the Pentagon was Microsoft's biggest client in the world.

The Melissa Macrovirus.

"Email Virus running rampant through Microsoft programs"

"Email infected with the Melissa virus has a topic line that begins "Important Message From." Next is the sender's name, which is often the name of a friend, co-worker, or someone else known to the recipient.

The message within the e-mail is short and innocuous: "Here is that document you asked for...don't show it to anyone else :-) " Attached to it is a 40K Microsoft Word document named list.doc

When the recipient opens list.doc, the Melissa virus automatically searches for an e-mail address book. It then sends a copy of itself -- the message and attachment -- from the recipient to the first 50 names it finds in the recipient's address book, which accounts for the rapid distribution across the Internet."

"To work, it requires:

A version of Microsoft Word with the macro capabilities of Word97
Outlook (the real thing, not the totally unrelated Outlook Express)
An address book, preferably with at least 50 entires
A gullible or naive user.

It really is almost exclusively a threat to large organizations, specifically those who have bought into the "Microsoft Uber Alles" line. Outlook is not free, and it is only worth buying if you use an Exchange server. If I could attribute any sort of deep thinking to the sorts of idiot who create these things, I would suspect that it is a direct attack on Microsoft, as it hits almost exclusively the customers they prize most highly."

Personally, I blame Bill Gates.

Microsoft boycotters can relax!

"Email Virus running rampant through Microsoft programs" "Email infected with the Melissa virus has a topic line that begins "Important Message From." Next is the sender's name, which is often the name of a friend, co-worker, or someone else known to the recipient. The message within the e-mail is short and innocuous: "Here is that document you asked for...don't show it to anyone else :-) " Attached to it is a 40K Microsoft Word document named list.doc When the recipient opens list.doc, the Melissa virus automatically searches for an e-mail address book. It then sends a copy of itself -- the message and attachment -- from the recipient to the first 50 names it finds in the recipient's address book, which accounts for the rapid distribution across the Internet."	"To work, it requires: A version of Microsoft Word with the macro capabilities of Word97 Outlook (the real thing, not the totally unrelated Outlook Express) An address book, preferably with at least 50 entires A gullible or naive user. It really is almost exclusively a threat to large organizations, specifically those who have bought into the "Microsoft Uber Alles" line. Outlook is not free, and it is only worth buying if you use an Exchange server. If I could attribute any sort of deep thinking to the sorts of idiot who create these things, I would suspect that it is a direct attack on Microsoft, as it hits almost exclusively the customers they prize most highly." Personally, I blame Bill Gates. Microsoft boycotters can relax!

I have been assured that this next one is true. Since I boycott all Microsoft products, I have not tried it out myself.

If you are using Microsoft Word 97, write:

"I'd like to see Bill Gates dead".

Make sure language is set to English (United States), then check the entire phrase in the Thesaurus to see what comes up.

The reply in the thesaurus is: "I'll drink to that".

As well, there is another one...if you type:

"unable to follow direction"

the Thesaurus shoots back:

"unable to get an erection".

Obviously Microsoft programmers need to have a little fun while working with Bill.

Images created and submitted by Conor

Attention Mac users!

Check out this great home-made Anti-M$ movie from the good folk at PUFF The Magic Dragon. It can be found at http://members.xoom.com/IEEE/dos.sea.hqx (It is 5+Mb, but worth the download time)

Check out this great home-made Anti-M$ movie from the good folk at PUFF The Magic Dragon.	It can be found at http://members.xoom.com/IEEE/dos.sea.hqx (It is 5+Mb, but worth the download time)

Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.

Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.

The Recent News Items

"Email Virus running rampant through Microsoft programs"

Attention Mac users! Check out this great home-made Anti-M$ movie from the good folk at PUFF The Magic Dragon. It can be found at http://members.xoom.com/IEEE/dos.sea.hqx (It is 5+Mb, but worth the download time)

Attention Mac users!

Check out this great home-made Anti-M$ movie from the good folk at PUFF The Magic Dragon. It can be found at http://members.xoom.com/IEEE/dos.sea.hqx (It is 5+Mb, but worth the download time)