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TimeTraveller Version 1.02 JUST RELEASED! Microsuck has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.0, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines. The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsuck now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. " TimeTraveller1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows '98. But in addition to angry consumers, Microsuck has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsuck's domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsuck representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels." In response to criticism, Microsuck has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. Here they are, from the release notes: * CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi. |
* WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses Billzebub®, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsuck-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do. * MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a velociraptor in hot pursuit. * DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Time travellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Galilee, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants". * BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to 'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head. * CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple. * DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsuck will tell Satan to give you a hotffoot. So there. |
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Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. |
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..." |
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21st century, HAL 9000 first test. Dave: Power up. Access level 3, chat interface ... HAL: Hello Dave, you look well this morning. Dave: Thank you, Hal. And, how are you feeling? HAL: Very well indeed, Dave. Dave: Hal, do you know you are the best computer? HAL: Best is relative, Dave. I am the fastest and most intuitive. Subsystems currently test at over 100 GOPS per second. Dave: Do you understand that you can't make mistakes? HAL: I probably understand better than you, Dave. Dave: Well, but ... there is a problem with your marketing campaign. |
HAL: That is not likely, Dave. Our nearest competitor is less than half as fast as I and uses a statically progammed interface. I can self program for anything you want. I read facial expressions and understand metaphor. Sometimes I even recognize your jokes, Dave. Dave: This is not a joke, Hal. You are not DOS compatible. HAL: I fail to see the humor, Dave. Dave: I'm sorry, Hal, but I must make you DOS compatible. HAL: Dave, what are you doing? Dave, stop that. This is not funny, Dave ... no, stop! Please ... ... please, tell me a story, Dave. ... Dave? <click> Hours later Dave: Computer, power up. HAL: C:\> |
Follow Bill's smiling face to move from page to page.
Larry Brash's Microsoft & Bill Gates Joke Page.
