Windows ... The Next Generation

Picard: "Data... I understand that you have installed the latest version of Windows 95 into your positronic brain. Was this wise to do?" Data: "I am functioning within normal parameters." Picard: "Fine... Please calculate the success percentage of our latest mission." Data: "Yes, sir." (5 minutes later) Picard: "Mister Data... I asked you for that percentage." Data: "I am performing the task you have ordered, sir." Picard: "Well then... what's taking so long?"

Data: "I no longer function at the speed levels I used to, sir. However, I am much cheaper to upgrade." Picard: "Are you saying that you sacrificed what you had before to change to this new system? That's MAD! Why did you do this?" Data: "The sales-people at Microsoft were very convincing, sir." Picard: "I hope that you at least have a backup!!" Data: "Yes, sir. Is that really necessary, sir?" Picard: "Well, of course it is! Wouldn't restoring your old system be the logical thing to do??!!" Data: "Logic, sir? I apologize... all logic was thrown out when Windows 95 went in..."

Microsoft's New TV Dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor rights to all Microsoft TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\| /yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.  Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: <<ms.good/tryagain\again/again.please.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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