$teves throne room. $teve, Annette, Robin, Master Turtle, Captain Ken, and various onlookers are standing at a respectful distance around the cauldron. The priests watch as another bucket of milk is tipped in. The cauldron is half full.
PRIEST: Astounding. And I detect no trace of sorcery.
$TEVE (tense): Of course not. I know the penalty.
MASTER TURTLE: We're going to succeed, sire.
Cut to outside the castle. We see long shadows and the sun approaching the horizon. The camera tracks over the ranks of $teves army to the edge of the forest. A leafy branch slowly moves down to show the faces of Trevor and Ingrid.
Trevor and Ingrid are looking towards the castle through the branches, with Mulder and Scully sitting on the ground a few paces behind them.
TREVOR (quietly): That must be his entire army.
INGRID: We can't fight that many.
SCULLY (to Mulder): We seem to be at a dead end.
MULDER: That's Dunsinane Castle.
SCULLY: How do you know?
MULDER: I came here on holiday during my Oxford days.
SCULLY (smiling): And opened an X file on the Duncan murder?
MULDER (chuckles): I did investigate the crime scene. The guide showed us all the rooms, the towers, the secret passage,
Mulder and Scully look at each other in sudden realisation. Then they turn to Trevor and Ingrid.
MULDER: Excuse me, but I might have some valuable information.
Inside the throne room. The tension is building as another bucket of milk is tipped into the nearly full cauldron.
$TEVE: Trevor and Ingrid haven't tried to stop me. I'd expected something by now.
KEN: We have an army sire. And thirty of the (grits teeth) Swan Guard just outside.
$TEVE: Go and check that everything is all right.
Cut to a low, dark stone tunnel. Trevor, Ingrid, Mulder, and Scully are sloshing through ankle deep water in single file, hunched over beneath the low ceiling.
TREVOR: From the smell, I'd say you picked the wrong tunnel lad.
MULDER (uncomfortable): It was a long time ago. And we are going to get inside the castle.
Inside the castle courtyard, with no one around. A rusty metal grating in the ground is pushed up and to one side. Trevor and Ingrid quickly climb up, look around, then help Mulder and Scully out. It's very close to sunset.
The camera follows them as they run around a corner of the inner keep. Into view we see the cow pen and the squad of guards in red and white uniforms drawn up before the doorway to the throne room. Our heroes stop. Trevor and Ingrid walk forward, waving Mulder and Scully to stay put.
Cut to the guards and Captain Ken. Trevor and Ingrid are standing in plain view, some distance away, with axe and sword held ready.
GUARD: Shall we charge them?
KEN: No. We guard the door.
Cut to Trevor and Ingrid.
TREVOR: They're not moving.
INGRID: I'll get some help.
Ingrid is already running towards the cow pen. She opens the gate, whispers for a moment to the nearest cow, then stands to one side.
COWS: Mooo? Moooooo!
The cows charge out of the pen with a thunder of hooves. We see the guards scatter in panic, despite the efforts of Ken.
KEN: Stand your ground! Stand your ground! Aaarrrgghhh!
He vanishes beneath the leading cows.
Inside the throne room. The cauldron has barely a centimetre left to fill. Robin is looking out through the entrance, although the action is not visible from the camera.
From off screen we hear the hooves and Kens last scream.
ROBIN (running back): My gods, they killed captain Ken!
$teve grabs him by the shoulder and shoves him towards the door again.
$TEVE: Get out there and delay them!
Robin is flung into the corridor. Another bucket of milk is being brought over to the cauldron. We hear voices from outside:
ROBIN: I say I say I say!
ROBIN: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Robin comes flying back into the throne room, crashing against a wall and slumping to the floor.
Trevor and Ingrid enter, swinging weapons from side to side as they look for possible foes. Mulder and Scully are right behind them.
$TEVE: You're too late.
Silence as the final drops of the last bucket fall in. The cauldron is now full to the brim. The cauldron starts to glow, and the milk starts to shimmer slightly, starts to swirl, and turns into an ethereal glowing whirlpool within the cauldron.
PRIEST: The prophecy is fulfilled. The owner shall have his hearts desire.
$teve stands with arms outstretched and head raised skyward, laughing maniacally. Everyone else draws back from him.
$TEVE: I shall have the powers of a god! Ha ha! Hahahaha! BWAHAHAHAHA!
There is a distinct absence of divine manifestations, although the cauldron continues to glow. The onlookers have puzzled expressions. $teve stops laughing.
INGRID (inspiration): The cow was stolen!
TREVOR: Of course! Ye are not the owner, Mispelt One.
MULDER: The real owner won't be born for two thousand years.
Enraged, $teve rushes towards the cauldron. He grasps the sides and leans over the side. The glowing fluid reaches out and he is dragged into the cauldron and submerged. The swirling stops, and the fluid fades back to milk. Bubbles emerge for a moment, then stop.
Next day, bright sunshine, in the grove with the monolith. Present are Master Turtle, Mulder, Scully, Trevor, and Ingrid.
TREVOR (to Master Turtle): You're sure about this?
MASTER TURTLE: The Larson stone is too powerful for mortals to wield. It were better destroyed. Anyway, I have a new job now.
TREVOR: What's that?
MASTER TURTLE: Vet-in-air-re-an. The young lady (nods at Scully) has been explaining how to make the cows give wholesome milk again.
INGRID: What happened to your assistant druid?
MASTER TURTLE: Oh, she's been apprenticed to Mistress Gail. Going to learn to write proper fiction.
Master Turtle looks at the sun. It's noon.
MASTER TURTLE: It's time.
He sits cross-legged and starts chanting in a low voice. Mulder and Scully stand on either side of the monolith. Trevor and Ingrid approach to shake hands in farewell.
TREVOR (to Mulder): I tell you lad, a good misericorde dagger will solve your problems with these superiors of yours. Even in full plate ye can stab them through the gaps.
INGRID (to Scully): Remember to build up slowly with the axe routines. And..
SCULLY (completing sentence): No beef, yes, I know. And you'll try to be a bit more scientific?
INGRID: I'm not so sure I'd be good at it.
SCULLY: Yes you will. And you can still fight people from time to time.
MASTER TURTLE: Stand back now.
A high pitched humming. A point of light forms at the tip of the monolith. The light expands to surround Mulder and Scully and then they vanish in a brilliant flash. For a moment longer the monolith is visible, the hum rising to an unbearable level, and then it implodes in a cloud of dust.
Dawn, in an empty Illinois pasture. Mulder and Scully find themselves sprawled on the grass.
MULDER (getting up): I think we're home again, Toto.
SCULLY (getting up): This is the field we started from. But not the same hour. I wonder if the passage of time here has corresponded to our absence?
MULDER (looking around): There's the farmhouse. We can find out there.
They start walking.
MULDER: Scully, I've been thinking about our report.
SCULLY: So have I. This one will be exceptional even by the standards of the X files. All our evidence, not to mention the perpetrators, is two thousand years in the past.
MULDER: For once, Scully, I agree with you. We don't have the evidence to make a full report.
SCULLY: So what do we write?
MULDER: Well, the stolen cows have been taken...out of the country.
SCULLY: But we can say that the thefts won't be repeated.
Exterior of an old, shabby looking farmhouse. A TV set can be heard from inside, reporting the local weather. Mulder knocks on the door.
There is a rattling sound, and the door is opened by an elderly farmer (Daniel Frankham). He looks worn out and not happy to see them.
MULDER: Mr Frankham?
SCULLY: Sir, we're federal agents.
They hold up their badges.
FARMER FRANKHAM: Where are my cows?
MULDER: They can't be recovered.
FARMER FRANKHAM: Damn blast it all! First the gov'ment says it'll pay me if they can change my cows into something special, then they get stolen and I don't get no compensation. Now I can't pay the bank and I'm going to lose my farm. Just once I wish the money would come my way for a change. Go on, get off my land.
SCULLY: We're sorry sir.
He slams the door. Angry footsteps fade away, then there is just the TV.
Mulder and Scully look at each other, then turn around and walk away. The camera watches them recede as the TV continues with the local news:
ANNOUNCER: and the winner of the ten million dollar super lottery draw is ... Mr Frankham of Illinois! Congratulations Daniel, your winnings will be delivered to you tomorrow.
Cut to a bright day in ancient Scotland. Trevor and Ingrid are knocking over yet another band of thugs. A couple of cows watch with mild interest. Once the last thugs have been dealt with, Ingrid walks up to the nearest cow.
INGRID: I'll take a milk sample and analyse it later for any special characteristics.
Trevor pulls a bundle of scrolls out of his pack, and a quill pen.
INGRID: Another scroll?
TREVOR: I'm sure these cattle thieves are all part of a vast conspiracy.
INGRID: You don't know that. We have no evidence pointing to any particular individual.
TREVOR: I'll just write X for unknown on it then.
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