David Rabbitborough's A to Z of Australian Species

 

THE JEANS SHOP ASSISTANT

Over the last few years Jeans, once a hardy, perennial working garment from the eastern highlands of the USA, have multiplied into hundreds of diverse forms, including the flair, the hipster, the stone-wash, the boot jean etc. With them has come a new breed of shop assistant, the Jeans Shop Assistant.

This creature lives exclusively in and around denim. Its hair is either wild or perpendicular. The males are invariably very thin, the females short and chunky. They wear black T-shirts, blue jeans and chew a sort of cud when they speak. This tends to make their speech quite indecipherable, but it doesn't matter because the jeans shop always has a radio playing at 1000 to 2000 decibels.

The behaviour of the Jeans Shop Assistant is basically to trap passing human beings in tiny cubicles called changing rooms and refuse to let them out until they buy leans. It is believed that they know only three phrases. "Would you like some help there?" "What size are ya?" and "Ohhh, those look really great on you." The last of these is spoken regardless of the appearance of the jeans the customer is trying on and experiments have shown that the creatures will utter it even if the customer is wearing the recently flayed skin of a leprous warthog.

Other studies have suggested that despite this creatures dependence on jeans, denim may in fact be fatal to them. This arose from the discovery that there appear to be no Jeans Shop Assistants over the age of sixteen years old.

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