David Rabbitborough's A to Z of Australian Species

 

THE GYM INSTRUCTOR

Of all the species of Australians perhaps none is so elegant or agile as the gymnasium instructor. Immediately recognisable by its colouring, mostly white with stripes on its arms chest and feet, the gymnasium instructor is the most physically perfect creature in the human world. Its mentality on the other hand is rather limited.

Like a chicken, most Gym Instructors can be hypnotised simply by seeing themselves in any reflecting surface. Its natural environment, the gymnasium, is a harsh world with temperatures ranging from scalding hot in the sauna to icy cold in the pool. Yet despite this the instructor wears a remarkably light covering of clothes. What is also odd is that for an animal which is required to move so much, its clothes are usually extremely tight. The explanation for this anomaly lies in the unique way in which gym instructors attract the opposite sex, which is by means of bulges.

The female of the species develops bulges on her thighs, buttocks and chest; while the male tends to develop a pronounced bulge around area of the biceps. There are dangers however for other species that mate with them. Male instructors, noted for their speed on the track and in the pool, are likely to be all too speedy when it comes to reproduction. Female instructors on the other hand are like to be endurance champions and human males who mate with them are risking, at least, torn ligaments, muscle cramps and exhaustion and, at worst, cardiac arrest.

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