David Rabbitborough's A to Z of Australian Species



One of the most exotic species to appear in Australia in the last few years is the Film Producer. This creature which seems to live on nothing but cappuccinos, constantly darts around the media jungle, always giving the impression that it has just come from, or is just on its way to a meeting.

The creature has some unusual anatomical features. One of these is a reproductive organ called a pipeline, in which the creature always claims to have projects, though they appear to suffer from some form of constipation as few projects are ever actually forthcoming.

Implanting projects in the pipeline requires the help of others so the producer - armed with a stack of business cards - cruises the cocktail circuit looking for creative people it can lure into a working relationship. Unlike the rest of the human world, in the film world, the more parents a project has, the better. Thus even after a project has been conceived the producer will be circulating, persuading others to put their names to it.

At this point the Producer develops a appendage called a Prospectus, which can sometimes grow to enormous proportions. Its purpose is to attract financiers, who will feed the project with money. Given this very complicated process it is little wonder that few producers ever actually deliver a film, and that so many films die at birth.

Apart from everything else this entire operation requires a large amount of fertiliser. Luckily Film Producers produce more of this commodity than they consume.

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