The Australian House by David Rabbitborough

The Back Yard

The central feature of this area is the Lawn, which is populated by many lifeforms including plastic action figures - Heman Discardus - and toy cars. The whole realm is ruled by the motor mower - Victa wontstarta - a ferocious predator that roams the grasslands chewing up anything in its path.

The mower lives in fear of an even more deadly creature Auger Phillipcephalus, or the rusty screwdriver which lies in the grass waiting to rip the blades off the mower as it passes. Further down the yard we come to a kind of bin full of rotting leaves. This is called the swimming pool and seems to have been constructed out of consideration for mosquitoes. Many yards also have rectanglar sandpits constructed for the convenience of cats. Also in the yard we find the sacrificial altar on which the local inhabitants burn offerings to the gods, the barbecue.

In the backyard we also find the answer to another mystery.

Many researchers believe that the Australian suburbanite is too primitive a creature to have built anything as complicated as a suburban house without assistance. Some even believe that they received help from visitors from space. Remarkably there is evidence for such contact. Almost every Australian backyard has, in the centre, a large aerial - a sort of a cross with wires strung all around it - with a handle for raising and lowering it. Pointed directly at the heavens it could only have been designed for picking up interstellar radio waves.

Above: Universal in every sense of the word: aerials point skyward in Australian backyards.

Right: The occupants of this backyard have found an usual use for their aerial.

The small R2D2-like figure next to the aerial is presumed to be a sacred effigy of an alien giving some hint as to what the visitors may have looked like,

Other objects in the backyard are evidence of alien visitation. On the lawn we will often find a kind of shower which squirts upwards, instead of downwards. We can only imagine the aliens were umbrella-shaped and sat over the device.

And rusting in the garage we find a vehicle with only two large narrow in-line wheels, suggesting the aliens came from a planet where the roads were extremely thin - perhaps even a two dimensional universe - and there was little or no gravity. Sometimes young humans imitate these vehicles with two and three-wheeled versions. We assume these bicycles as they are called are of extra-terrestrial origin since no human has ever been able to successfully assemble one.

Return to The Australian House