I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will not feel obliged to prove anything by leaving clues, outdoing anyone or letting enemies live to show that they are no threat.
I will not waste time making a death look accidental. I am not accountable to anyone, and no one will believe it anyway.
Defeated foes will be shot several times, chopped into pieces and then cremated. On the spot. Immediately. In front of multiple witnesses. Regardless of circumstances, no enemy will ever be dumped into a river, or left for dead at the bottom of a cliff.
Announcement of an enemy’s death (and attendant celebrations) will be deferred until the aforementioned disposal.
If a slain foe has siblings or offspring anywhere, I will quickly locate and eliminate them as well, rather than wait for them to seek revenge on me later.
Despite the proven stress-relieving effects, I will never ever laugh maniacally. When so occupied, it is easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will make it clear that I do understand what ‘MERCY’ is. I simply choose not to show any.
I will not speak with an accent. Sounding like a foreigner in your own country has no positive benefit, and may even be counter-productive.
I will not subsidize oversized monuments, giant statues or fancy portraits of myself. Such flamboyance is both pointless and expensive.
No matter how tempted I am by the acquisition of supreme power, I will not meddle with any paranormal phenomenon bigger than my head.
I will not merely know, I will thoroughly research my enemies. No brilliant ploys, special devices, unique attacks, etc. will be used against them without first knowing what the results should be.
If a brilliant ploy, special device, unique attack, etc. produces results varying from what was expected, further action against that target will be avoided until I understand what happened.
When conducting any kind of research, I will not obsess over specific goals to the exclusion of all else. Details that are ignored or trivialized will surely return to haunt me later.
Regardless of possible benefits, I will NOT conduct experiments on the hero (or associates thereof). Given the usual run of events, the results are usually far more trouble than they are worth.
When I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a simple ceremony - not weeks later, in a lavish spectacle, during the final phase of my master plan.
The source of my power will not be kept “in the Cave of Evil, on the Mountain of Horror, guarded by the Dragon of Darkness, etc., etc....”. It will be in a safe deposit box held under one of my many aliases.
No matter what benefits may be at stake, I will not risk everything in favour of a complex mystical ceremony or near-impossible scientific procedure that can only be completed under the rarest of circumstances.
I will not cope with success by pointlessly ranting about my brilliance, the unworthiness of my foes, the futility of resistance, etc..
I will not cope with failure by pointlessly ranting about my brilliance, the unworthiness of my foes, the futility of resistance, etc..
Overkill and multiple redundancy will be used in all high-priority tasks. Whatever the equipment, firepower and/or personnel judged necessary to do the job, I will have at least double that quantity available.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as part of my organization, nor will they be required to adhere to any dress code (such as wearing military boots).
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my personal strengths and weaknesses.
When I seize control of a country, the previous ruler(s) will be killed immediately, not hidden somewhere in my dungeon.
Killing is NOT too good for my enemies, nor are they entitled to last requests.
My tyranny will be equal oppurtunity. Nobody will get 'special' treatment (good or bad!) unless they clearly deserve it.
If I must have someone kidnapped or assassinated, it will be by the simplest and most cost-effective means available. High-speed vehicle chases and/or large-scale destruction of the surrounding landscape are marks of the amateur.
I will not depend on legends, local superstitions or elaborate hoaxes to maintain the secrecy of my hidden base. Treasure hunters (or vanloads of meddlesome kids!) are guaranteed to wreck the whole deal, sooner or later.
I will not waste time building complex death traps. No matter how well-tested and diabolical the design, heroes always escape.
If the Hero challenges me to fight one-on-one, asking “Are you afraid without your armies to back you up?”; my answer will be “No. Just sensible”.
If I positively must gloat over a defeated foe, it will not be whilst standing near anything that could fall down, blow up, unexpectedly attack or be fallen into.
The fop of my acquaintance, who is physically fit (but apparently lacks fighting skills), should be watched carefully. In all likelihood, he will prove to be the Masked Hero.
Likewise, the attractive outspoken female of my acquaintance is also a person to be watched carefully. In all likelihood, she will be either the Rightful Heir or the Leader Of The Resistance. Possibly both.
I will not tell dangerous prisoners my life story, cajole them to change loyalties, attempt to extract information, reveal my Master Plan(s), or host guided tours of my citadel. I will simply kill them.
The old loony single-handedly running an obscure part of my organization will be well-treated, kept up to date on current events, and provided with several dedicated helpers (all of whom will be reporting separately and secretly to me).
If the aforementioned old loony ever behaves uncharacteristically, I will express concern and immediately have him brought in for polite questioning, rather than ignore the situation.
When I capture my adversary, I will be sure to also catch the sickeningly cute little animal following him that is capable of untying ropes, stealing keys, or delivering messages.
When a defeated foe ‘predicts’ my eventual downfall, my immediate response will be “Perhaps....but NOT today!”.
I will NEVER use the following lines (or any variants thereof):
“Before I kill you, there is just one thing I want to know...” ;
“What could possibly go wrong?” ;
"I am INVINCIBLE!" ;
"You...wouldn't...DARE!" ;
"If my calculations prove correct..." ;
“Nothing can stop me now!" ;
"Take your best shot!" ;
"Incompetents! I am surrounded by incompetents...!" ;
"I LIKE a woman with spirit." ;
"Would I lie to you?" ;
"Today all of this, tomorrow....THE WORLD!" ;
“Cowards! What are you afraid of?” ;
“Over my dead body!” ;
“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this range...” ;
“What can one man do?” ;
"I...will become...a GOD!" ;
“Goodbye, Mr Bond.”
Any subordinate stupid enough to use any of the aforementioned lines in my presence will be executed immediately.
I will hire people to regularly climb public landmarks and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, incite rebellion, etc.. Thus, if ‘the real thing’ ever comes along, the citizenry will have lost all interest.
I will not give enemies a chance to learn from mistakes (whether theirs or mine!).
Former adversaries who have retired or are somehow incapacitated will be closely watched, but otherwise left strictly alone. In that state, they are probably harmless, but any provocation on my part would surely transform them into enraged killing machines.
If I cannot control the local authorities, I will at least maintain friendly relations with them. With a little encouragement, they are much more likely to side with me than the weird vigilantes who keep making them look incompetent.
Any acts of philanthropy I perform will be absolutely above board. This will improve my PR image - and drive my foes crazy as they try to figure out what I am really up to.
When creating monsters, resurrecting elder gods, summoning demons, etc.; I will have multiple contingency plans thoroughly worked out in advance, in case the aforementioned entities prove to be uncontrollable.
I will not build prisons or death traps that I personally cannot escape from.
I will not hoard my wealth in a vault, or wear it as jewellery. Either practice is begging for trouble. Instead, I will invest in a diverse portfolio, under several aliases.
The enemy of my enemy is neither my friend or an expendable pawn. He or she is a resource to be carefully nurtured, used at times of maximum benefit to myself AND, under no circumstances, to allow behind me.
My troops will wear simple helmets with clear plastic visors - not clumsy artwork that conceals the wearer’s face and blocks all peripheral vision.
My soldiers’ uniforms will be both practical and original - not gaudy knock-offs that make them resemble Nazis, Romans, Mongols, or Japanese. All of these examples were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset.
I will not harass, or tolerate harassment of, citizens of my realm who obey the law and otherwise behave themselves.
I will secretly design, print and distribute thousands of maps purporting to show secret ways into my inner sanctum / treasure room / armoury. Anyone gullible enough to use them will instead end up in lethal deathtraps in totally unimportant locations.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone comparably good-looking around who is not trying to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before having prisoners sent to my bedchamber.
I will not attempt to 'seduce' anybody with threats, speeches or evil acts in general. It only makes me look desperate.
I will not mate with (or admit to mating with) anybody whose sanity, upbringing, genetic structure and sexual preferences I am not absolutely comfortable about.
Useful allies, and relatives of dubious reliability, will be comfortably housed in isolated locations. They will not be sealed in my dungeon, or given positions of trust in my organization.
I will not locate my main base in a volcano (extinct or otherwise), in front of a dam, in ancient burial grounds or anywhere else at possible risk from disasters or supernatural occurrances. If occupation of such areas is necessary, only small replaceable facilities will be built there.
I will not imprison foes all together in one cell, or even in the same prison.
I will not position my dungeons, slave pens, or torture chambers anywhere near my quarters or the armoury.
All pipelines, sewers, and ventilation ducts in my fortress will be too small for anybody (including children!) to crawl through. Furthermore, they will be fumigated and spot-checked at irregular intervals.
I will not build self-destruct mechanisms unless absolutely necessary. If built, the trigger will not be a big red button marked ‘DANGER - DO NOT PUSH’.
The big red button marked ‘DANGER - DO NOT PUSH’ will set off a trap that instantly kills anyone stupid enough to push it.
Messengers with bad news will not be executed or intimidated just to demonstrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I will know how to swim. You never can tell.
I will maintain an excellent credit rating. Once again, you never can tell.
I will cultivate a wide range of interests and hobbies, rather than becoming expert in a few subjects of dubious value.
Any object performing useful miracles (such as raising the dead) will be captured and kept for use by my own forces.
All attempts to defeat me, or rumours thereof, will be taken seriously - no matter how feeble or ludicrous they may seem.
My fortress will not be kept in a rundown state. It lowers the resale value, encourages slackness amongst the staff and provides intruders with extra hiding places.
I will not interrogate enemies in my inner sanctum. The cheap hotel in a nearby back street will suffice.
I will take every reasonable oppurtunity to appear noble and misguided. Heroes will then waste their time trying to make me see the error of my ways, rather than attack on sight.
Mysterious objects or places purported to 'horribly kill all who come near, etc.', will not be regarded as a personal challenge or used as a convenient means of enemy disposal.
I will not excessively tax the citizens of my domain. It only encourages rebellion.
I will not desecrate temples or kill holy people. Unless they do something that really really annoys me, of course.
I will occasionally heed advice from others.
The main entrance to my fortress will be standard-sized. Elaborate 60-foot-high gateways impress the masses, but are difficult to close quickly in emergencies.
I will not take it personally when a mysterious stranger bests several of my henchmen in combat. Instead, I will offer him a well-paying job, as far away from me as possible.
If the aforementioned stranger rejects the aforementioned employment offer, I will politely express disappointment and allow him to leave in peace. He will be very discreetly shadowed, to see who else might contact him, but otherwise left strictly alone.
I will treat with healthy scepticism anybody offering to betray friends, family, nation or principles for a modest bribe.
I will not ally with other evil overlords. Their inevitable betrayal will surely fail, but may prove distracting at a critical juncture.
I will not form pacts with deities, demons, or aliens. Despite awesome powers, they are unreliable and have an over-inflated sense of their own importance.
If an object unexpectedly shakes, hums, glows, or otherwise behaves oddly, I will back away and close my eyes. Under no circumstances will I touch, or continue to hold, said object. Scores of evil overlords die every year because they overlook these basic safety measures.
I will NEVER use any plan, however ingenious, that involves foes gaining access to a critically important area before the trap is sprung.
My advisors will include at least one average five year old child. Flaws or loopholes in my plans that he or she can spot will be corrected before implementation.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for the money. Those who work for revenge, honour or the pleasure of the hunt do stupid things - like giving the quarry a sporting chance.
My fortress will be closely examined by experts to locate any secret doors, disused tunnels, hidden rooms, weak points, blind spots or other peculiarities I may be unaware of.
Public executions will be quick, simple and conducted at a secure location. All entrances to the area (both above and below ground) will be heavily guarded, as will be all vantage points in the vicinity.
All buildings and vehicles in or close to the aforementioned execution area will be thoroughly searched before the event.
Condemned prisoners will not be permitted visitors (refer #24), nor will they be housed in cells with commanding views of the castle and/or surrounding area.
Anyone coming into contact with prisoners (including relatives, guards, priests, undertakers, executioners, and VIPs) will be subjected to at least one body search and two ID checks both before and after said contact.
Whenever a crowd gathers, I will be prepared for riots, uprisings, surprise attacks, assassination attempts, formal challenges, etc..
If my command centre comes under direct attack, I will not wait until the last minute before attempting escape.
I will only make use of poisons to which I personally am immune.
The aforementioned poisons will be designed to paralyze and kill very very quickly. There should be zero oppurtunity for victims to run around looking for the antidote.
I will not do drugs. In a crisis, it is essential to notice the differance between the monsters that quietly leave after an aspirin and a quiet lie-down, and the monsters that don't.
Fortune-tellers with a proven success rate will be offered a choice between a ghastly death or working exclusively for me. If the first option is chosen, I will recognize this as a sign of imminent trouble.
If a reliable fortune-teller makes a prediction not to my liking, I will not go into denial or to extraordinary lengths to prevent it coming true. Instead, I will search for loopholes that will either lessen the outcome or somehow turn it to my advantage.
Regardless of how useful it may be otherwise, I will not place any great dependance upon machinery that can be deactivated or destroyed by the loss of one specific part.
I will never utilize devices with digital countdowns. If such a thing is unavoidable, it will activate when the counter reaches ‘117’ - which hopefully should be just as the Heroes put their plan into effect (they HATE that!).
My computer systems will be not be compatible with commercial systems, or have a multitude of outside connections. This should reduce the chances of my entire organization being incapacitated by a child with a lap-top and a modem.
Whether computer or hard-copy, my filing system will include an enormous number of folders marked 'Top Secret', 'Restricted Access', etc.. All will look impressive, but have false data.
My truly important files will have multiple back-up copies - all encrypted, kept at separate secure locations, and listed under seemingly innocuous or boring titles.
If I must use a combination, code, PIN, or password for anything, it will be completely randomized - not something that can be guessed within five minutes by a social acquaintance or reader of my biography.
My vehicles will be fitted with safety belts and built-in parachutes, for the inevitable falls off high cliffs.
My vehicles will be designed to only catch fire and/or explode in order to conceal successful use of the emergency escape system.
Unless specifically required by circumstances, vehicles used for covert missions by my organization will NOT be dark limousines.
My troops will not be recruited from miscellaneous scum and villainy. Instead, there will be basic entry requirements covering physical fitness, common sense, bravery, loyalty, and (perhaps most important of all) MARKSMANSHIP.
My troops will be capable of guarding things without being attacked from behind or fooled by childish ploys.
My troops will comprehend the importance of locating and securing all accessways before searching or guarding a given location.
My troops will not gather like sheep whenever there is a disturbance.
My troops will be properly trained. Thus, their reactions in battle should exceed the usual comedy routines of scream, yell, gape, brandish weaponry, fall over, be fallen on, fall from a great height, run in circles, catch on fire, menace non-combatants, get roughed up by non-combatants, surrender, run away or combinations thereof.
My troops will be expert in unarmed combat and a variety of weapons. Therefore, even if my ultimate weapon is destroyed or all standard-issue weapons neutralized, my legions will not be bested by a handful of savages armed with rocks.
I will make it totally clear to my henchmen that blind panic or passively waiting for orders are NOT acceptable responses to an emergency.
All of my employees will be well-paid and have decent living conditions. This should reduce the likelihood of their mutinying or accepting bribes at inoppurtune times.
I will recognize that slave labour is EXPENSIVE! Consider what gruel, manacles, brutish overseers, substandard workmanship and mass uprisings all can cost. Simply providing fair wages and decent working conditions to willing workers is much cheaper in the long run.
I will not mistreat henchmen for trivial reasons, or use them as scapegoats. Instead, they will be watched closely, rewarded as appropriate for achievments, and kept far too busy to even dream of grabbing my job.
Dangerous substances will not be stockpiled unless absolutely essential for my purposes. If so, they will be stored in small quantities in several separate locations - NOT all in one place!
The aforementioned dangerous substances will NEVER be kept near important things like my inner sanctum, the armoury, major power sources or key structural points of my fortress.
I will never build just one of anything important. For the same reason, I will carry at least two fully-loaded weapons at all times.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If assistance from a Mad Scientist is unavoidable, he will be twisted enough to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage caused.
My killer robots will be able to use stairs and ladders, and open doors.
My pet monster(s) will be kept in a secure place from which it/they cannot escape, and into which I or my henchmen cannot accidentally stumble.
Any creature(s) I control via magic or technology will be treated with respect and kindness. Therefore, if the control is ever broken, it/they will not necessarily hunt me for revenge.
I will dress in bright and cheery colours, thus confusing my enemies.
My clothing will be practical enough that I can change quickly without outside assistance.
Since all of us can have a bad day, the aforementioned clothing will be easy to run in. It will also have light fireproof armour carefully tailored into the lining.
At all times, I will secretly carry a Swiss Army knife, keys to prepared escape routes, cash, bank account numbers, bandages, pencil, paper, disguise, and passport.
When outside my fortress, I will keep close to hand whatever survival equipment seems warranted by the situation. This may include protective clothing, a parachute, flotation aid and/or spare oxygen tanks.
I will accept that even the best plans can and do fail. For this reason, every phase of my ‘Master Plan’ will make due allowance for this possibility.
I will not use chess as the basis of my strategy. However enthralling the game may be for some, it is far too inflexible for my purposes.
If a ‘Master Plan’ starts going noticeably wrong, I will abandon it immediately. ‘Live To Fight Another Day’ is much more sensible than trusting to luck or brute force.
If a ‘Master Plan’ works better than expected, I will not get greedy or overconfident. Instead, I will be alert to the possibility of a trap.
I will never depend on just one ‘Master Plan’ to achieve my goals. Instead, there will be at least two plans in effect at any given time (with full details of each known only to me).
A reputation for dishonesty makes others even less willing to trust me, and habitual treachery sets a bad example for subordinates. Therefore, I will only be dishonest or treacherous if I have a particularly good reason.
When seeking revenge, I will keep a sense of proportion about it. Hunting a peasant to the far ends of the earth, for some minor offense, is not always necessary. Likewise, massacring entire villages because of a trivial connection with the hero may be overreacting.
All clowns, jesters, bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, failing con artists, wacky inventors, muscle-bound clods, annoying waifs and cowardly thieves in the land will be executed, banished or in my employ. Without any comic relief, my foes will be greatly demoralized.
Females in my organization will not be compelled to wear metal-reinforced outfits when on duty. Morale is better served with a more casual dress code. Similarly, black leather outfits will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will be neither chivalrous or sporting. If I have an ultimate weapon, it will be used as often as deemed necessary, instead of held back for ‘something special’.
If I absolutely must go into battle, it will not be at the forefront of my army, nor will I seek out my opposite number amongst his own troops.
My legions will not frontally attack enemy positions if any semi-intelligent alternative exists. Furthermore, no attack of mine will ever comprise of massed troops close-order marching towards the enemy, in garish uniforms, through uncertain terrain, to musical accompaniment.
All of my deceptions will be multi-layered and as convincing as is necessary to achieve the desired effect. When my foes get suspicious of my actions, it will be because that is precisely the reaction I want from them.
I will not stay near, or be, the most obvious thing on the battlefield.
If engaged in a duel to the death with the Hero, and fortunate enough to disarm him, I will graciously allow him to retrieve his weapon. This is not from any sense of fair play - rather, he will be so surprised that I will then dispatch him easily.
Although I truly don’t care (because I plan to live forever), my fortress will be sturdy enough to not mysteriously collapse when I am slain.
Whatever the provocation, I will not transform into anything scaly. It never helps.
If captured, I will not assume that my captors are consistently stupid, incompetent or corrupt. After all, they did capture me.
If captured, I will not depend on my captors' sense of fair play for protection.
My biography and resume will be heavily falsified. Anyone using these to deduce my weakness or predict my next move will instead be totally clueless.
Convincing the Hero that I am his long-lost parent, sibling, or offspring is an excellent way to make him hesitate at a critical juncture. If so, I will use this oppurtunity to escape, NOT to try and 'finish him off'.
When all of my goals are achieved, I will not cope with any subsequent feelings of boredom or insecurity by turning self-destructive. Instead, I will get a life.
Even though it takes some of the fun out of the job, I will never ever say “No! This Cannot Be!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! AARRGGHH!!!” (Death is inevitable after that).
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