CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday,
President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to
the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its
kind in American history, will provide the region with the
critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render
countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and
Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the
world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand
up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had
some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to
lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State
Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port
cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.
Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of
"E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and
airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the
vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg
Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a
name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton,
please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key
letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
... <portions euthanized>
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a
foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US
shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like
Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of
L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when
vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by
violent, gun-toting warlords.