Too Clever By Half

Latest internal polling by both Labor and Liberal point to an exceptionally tight contest on October 9 with the result hinging on the vote of my mum who resides in the marginal seat of Adelaide.

Unsurprisingly, given the importance of her vote, Mum was playing "mum" when I contacted her. "I think Howard will get in again, don't you ?" she said without a hint of whether she would actually vote for the rodent.

Mum's voting intentions have always been difficult to determine. I remember her driving us home in our old green Ford Cortina station wagon after voting at St Pius X Primary School sometime in the late 70's. I had asked her from the back seat, "Who'd you vote for mum ?" and she replied ,"It's not polite to ask people who they voted for, dear." I think I asked her again when we got home and i think she said Labor but i think that was a state election and every one knows state elections in South Australia are about public transport, law and order and how Labor skittled the State bank. Federal elections are about interest rates.

When I asked Mum about Labor's fiscal managment strategies she said to me what she's said to me a hundred times over the years, "That bloody Gough Whitlam. Told everybody that money grew on trees."

I will poll Mum again next weekend but for now, I'd say after preferences, Labor by a dry nun's chuff.

Two Australians believed kidnapped in Iraq were confirmed today as being Austrian. A spokeperson for the terrorist group, Horror Brigades of the Islamic Secret Army, who claimed responsibility for the kidnapping explained," It was a simple mistake. A holy brother in the Islamic Spelling Army misread their ID cards."

After hearing the news, a clearly relieved Foreign Minister, Alexander Downer, said, " The Government had already determined there were 154 Australians in Iraq and had confirmed 20 were safe and well. The Prime Minister and I then ran out of fingers. So, it's a great relief they are actually Austrian."

Later in the day the spokesperson issued a new statement warning, "We now tell the infidels of Austria, Australia and any other country with similar pronunciation that they have 24 hours to leave Iraq or these two Austrians will be killed without a second chance. We also demand that all repeats of The Sound Of Music Cease."

Campaigning in the Federal election ceased today after the roof of Prime Minister John Howard's house was hit with rocks thrown by local children.

A spokesperson for Mr Howard said," We have decided as a mark of respect for the Howards, and for Mrs Howard in particular who was lunching at the time, to cease campaigning until after the debate tonight."

Mr Howard, who minutes before the attack had been on the roof clearing leaves from the gutters, said, " I am not intimidated by this barbaric act and I will not be swayed until the job is done. I was almost finished and had only come down to check the mail and give Costello a quick call about interest rates when I heard the pitter patter of rocks gently landing on my roof. I know these children will strike again and we must be ready for them. "

It is believed Howard has also ramped up security around his letter box. " I am expecting some important how-to-vote literature this week. I can not afford for some local child to take to my letter box with his cricket bat." Howard's minders believe a strike with a cricket bat is less likely to occur as Summer is still some months away, however, they have not ruled out possible strikes with other heavy objects or even paint.

Mr Howard when asked when he was expecting to complete the gutters said, " Look, I'm not going to get into that right now. The important thing is that I have not been hurt and my lunch has not gone cold."

AAPetey

Mark Latham is in a dream world if he thinks there is one rabbit vote in his new tax policy. The big losers in this policy are the low income earners. What sort of loser does that make me, i earn no income.

Like most rabbits, i spend time each week in the warren doing the sums. Will those carrots last the week ? How is the grass looking up top ? It took me 5 seconds on budget night to realise there was nothing in it for me and now Labor is just as bad. Nothing on grass. Nothing on carrots. And Latham comes out saying, " we're about moving rabbits off long term reliance on carrots and grass and into the hutch .. "

Latham comes out talking about lump sums being eaten up by family debt repayments. What about me. I know rabbits being eaten up by families full stop.

I'm Stew-It the Rabbit. Keep on shagging.

Mah man, Latham, today unveiled his tax policy. I personally think he's shot his tax wad early but he had little choice. He really needed a good money shot after a bad first week where his every appearance was simply as fluffer to Mr Interest Rates. Now, i've conducted some expert analysis - mainly driven by my defining political philosophy "what's in it for the 5% of suburban Mo's whose votes will get rid of that Howard Fo" and the results are in. Some features.

• $8 bucks per week for low to middle income earners seems a little "cheeseburger, french fries, mama" but y'know, it's better, than the warm water out of a tap that the Liberals made you pay for at the bar while you were off your head during the last budget.
• lifting the top marginal tax rate to $85,000 a year from July 2006 in a plan which Latham says will "ease the squeeze" on Australian families. Apart from the fact some of my best friends belong to families ( i really got to stop using that line ) I think the conventional family is just, just, hang on, this is a column about politics not what i think about those goddam breeders who take all my tax dollars and get their stinking Family Tax Benefit B so dad can piss it up against a wall, no this is not about that - it's about the politics. And also, arguably more importantly, about the phrase, "ease the squeeze." Oooh. How catchy is that. Vroooom. I like it.
• Labor says it will fund its policy by making $3.5 billion in savings.
  Part of the savings will come from increasing the cost of business visa applications, returning the superannuation surcharge to 15 per cent for high income earners and lifting cigarette taxes by about three per cent. This is canny politics. No self respecting Australian could argue that hammering cashed up business migrants to pay for tax relief is a bad thing. I personally think most business migrants are Ukrainian gangsters or pimps from mainland China but what would i know. Noice. I also have recently stopped smoking. Thank you Allen Carr.

Well, shucks, the roars for my return to blog world were deafening and a little plaintive so, without ado doody, do ..

I have decided to design, manufacture and retail direct to you, avoiding the middle person, the latest in special election commment generators. As the pesky prototype is playing up and JT cant get me a patent until i pay his fees i will just have to provide some ol' time comments myself.

I will also be talking a little about Krispy Kreme donuts. Krispy Kreme, Doughnuts and coffee since 1937. "Hot, original and glazed" - just like Eloise, except TRHE is not glazed - but i digress ...

We are just about to go off to African dancing which we have been doing for a couple o months. Full tribal power from Pape the Senegalese fisherman. But first let me start off my special election comments with an extract from my Special Election Comments Dictionary. In much the same way as you might consult Roger Mellie's Profanisaurus http://www.viz.co.uk/ when you are keen to know about particular phrases relating to sexual organs, sexual activities or bodily functions, so for my Dictionary with all things about Australian political bollocks.

Interest Rates - "Rate" the "interest" that Bruce and Pam of 10 Mollymook Crescent, Emu Plains, NSW, 2653, take in the political process ( See entry under Political Process ). Mostly these rates hover around the zero mark. On election day they may reach as high as one if the polling booths in Penrith provide sausage sizzles.

These rates are not to be confused with interest rates set by the Reserve Bank of Australia which are simply an indicator of how fucking good the Howard Government is with the economy.