Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

May 2005
 “Once you’re over 50, sex is no longer important.  Older people can’t be expected to perform like they used to 30 years ago.  It’s just not natural”.   For so many years Joan had explained this to Ernest.  He just didn’t get it.
Ernest wanted them to go for counselling.  He thought that having sex about twice a year suggested that there was a problem.  Joan was reluctant because of her belief that once you are “over the hill”, sex is left behind on the other side.
Ernie got busy on the net.  He did some research.  He found out that sex can be frequent and enjoyable for couples well into their old age.  He found that when the sexual drive diminishes with age it might indicate a problem.  The problem could be physical or psychological or both.
Armed with this information, he approached Joan again.  He said that they were missing out on something special.  She reluctantly agreed for them to see a psychologist.  The first session was about gathering background information and understanding what beliefs ran the sex show.
By about the third session, Joan was beginning to understand where her beliefs about sex had come from.  She had learned most of her attitudes from her mother and these belief systems sat hidden away at a subconscious level.
One of these beliefs was that “sex was mainly for having babies.”  After menopause, sex was pretty pointless.  The therapist was able to explain that in humans (like some other primates) sex is a way of strengthening the pair bond.  Also that it is normal to enjoy a good sex life after menopause.
Another belief that Joan learned was that it’s men who want sex, and women just go along with it to keep their man happy.   The therapist was able to point out that the sex drive in men and women is on a par.
The improvement of Joan and Ernie’s sex life was slow and steady.  Joan had to feel safe and be sure that she wasn’t being pressured.  Joan had to learn about the things that turned her on sexually and sensually.  Some of the things that turned her on were new to her.  She had never known about them.
It ended up being an exciting journey of discovery for both of them.  Ernie had to make changes to.  He had to learn the wonderful art of for-play.
This is a good news story.  Joan and Ernie’s marriage is now powering on.

Sexual problems

April 2008
Sexual issues and problems are always a bit difficult to discuss in print.  However, it is important that people with sexual problems know that there is help available.  It is also important to remove the barriers of shame and embarrassment when talking about this topic.
Sexual problems are either psychological or physical in origin.  Of course, there are a whole range of problems that are a mixture of both physical and psychological.
Let me tell you about Rod.  (Please note that Rod is a made up person based on several cases.)  Rod was a man in his late thirties.  He was married to Joy.  Rod suffered from premature ejaculation.  It was frustrating for both him and Joy.  Rod didn’t want to discuss this problem with anyone.  After all, this was about his manhood.
Under pressure from Joy, Rod did agree to see his GP.  The GP went through all the regular health checks for any physical problems.  Rod came through with a clean bill of health.  The GP explained to Rod that his problem was associated with anxiety and that many men suffer from this at some stage in their lives.  The GP referred Rod to see me.
Rod told me that his problem had been occurring for six months.  He was working in a very stressful job for a boss he didn’t get on with.  He was under a lot of pressure to keep a high level of performance at work.
Some of the stresses at work carried over into his home.  Rod and Joy were arguing a lot.  It was not surprising that when Rod and Joy went to make love, Rod also felt under pressure to perform.  There was a direct relationship between Rod’s performance anxiety and his premature ejaculation problem.
Rod told me that when he was making love, he tried to distract his mind to other things. The first thing that I suggested was for him not to do this.  I suggested that he concentrate on the what he was doing and focus on relaxation and taking the performance pressure off himself.  The second way I helped him was to teach him how to reduce this performance pressure.  We did some EFT tapping on this issue with a good result.
Rod experienced an enormous sense of relief and felt the pressure on him had eased considerably.  The problem disappeared after a week or so.  Rod then went on to make changes in the way he coped at work.