Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

July 2006
We have to have expectations or we couldn’t survive.  We expect to find food in the fridge etc etc.  There are thousands of expectations which guide our life every day.  Problems arise when we have unrealistic expectations.
I provide relationship therapy.  Couples come to see me nearly always because they are experiencing conflict.  One of the most common expectations they have is that I will act as an arbitrator in resolving their conflicts.  They will usually pitch their case to me in order to show themselves in the best possible light in the hope that I will side with them. 
I saw John and Mary several year ago.  Mary resented John because he didn’t show her affection and he stayed at work for long hours.  John resented Mary for being critical of him all the time and nagging.  Sound familiar?
They came to me strongly advocating their respective cases with little insight into their own contribution.  There was an unwillingness to let go of the moral high ground.  They were both in victim mode.  Their expectation was that I would see how badly their partner treated them.
My job was to reeducate John and Mary into taking responsibility for their own role in their conflicts.  This meant each had to look inside themselves at their subconscious issues that were contributing to the conflict.
As we progressed, Mary recognised that she was angry and frustrated about not getting recognition and affection from John.   John recognised that he avoided the relationship because of what he perceived as endless criticism and the sense that he could never win.
This is a happy ending story.  John and Mary began to understand what was driving their strong feelings at a subconscious level.  They admitted to their fears and the buttons that were being pushed.  They started to treat each other with more respect.  They learned to communicate non defensively.

It’s an ongoing journey, but they have continued to improve their relationship.