Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

May 2006
“My psychologist Peter is an idiot”  exclaimed Rod.  “I will never go back after what he said”.  “What did he say” enquired his wife Alice?  “He said I was dysfunctional and I would never amount to anything in life”.
Rod was so angry with Peter that he never did go back.  To this day he is still angry.  If he had gone back, he would have learned that he hadn’t heard what Peter had actually said.  When we get defensive, we tend to hear what we want to hear and disregard the rest.
What Peter actually said to Rod was “If you don’t fix that piece of dysfunctional behaviour, you won’t be able to progress”.   Peter’s comment was kind and supportive.  But Rod heard it as critical and judgemental.  Rod heard Peter labeling him as a looser. 
At the end of the session, Peter asked Rod if everything was OK.  Rod said “Yes fine – no problems”.  He chose not to share his anger with Peter, so he gave Peter no opportunity to clear up the misunderstanding.
Rod mishearing Peter was not new for Rod.  It was a pattern in his life.  When someone told Rod something that he didn’t want to hear, he would take it as an attack.  In his mind, he would change the content around slightly to fit the criticism model.
He told his wife that his boss had abused him by calling him “lazy and incompetent.”  His boss had not been abusive.  All Peter’s boss said was “You made a mistake with this order and if you had taken more care, it would not have happened”.
Peter played the victim to his wife Alice and she supportive his victim role.  She had learned not to challenge Rod when he was in victim role.  Rod will remain stuck in his life until he takes responsibility for listening to what people really say rather than what he wants to hear.
Not every story has a happy ending!