Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

May 2008
"That's the trouble with you Simon, you never listen to anything I say - you always get your own way."  Julie was upset and was not aware that she had just triple bombed Simon. 
A bomb is designed to put the other person off the track.  A bomb is usually a very unfair statement that has a big impact on the person.  Julie didn't deliberately bomb Simon.  It was a long established sub conscious habit.  There were three bombs in what Julie said.  See if you can spot all three (answer given at the end).
Bombing is dishonest and has no place in a functional relationship.  Here is an example of what not to do and how to fix it.  This time Simon did the bombing.  Julie wanted to have lunch with her friends.  It was Simon's day off and he wanted to spend it with Julie.  An argument broke out.  Julie said, "come on be fair, I didn't have a problem letting you go to the work party last night".  Simon didn't have a leg to stand on so he decided to bomb Julie.  "You don't care about my feelings and you never have".
It sounded OK and it worked.  Julie took the bomb and started to justify how she really did care about Simon.  His bomb had successfully distracted Julie from the issue of fair play.  The argument escalated and Julie's original point was never returned to.
Here's how it could have been changed for the better.  Once Julie had said about her not objecting to Simon's party, he could have responded.  "I know it would be fair for you to have lunch with your friends, but I would really love to spend some time with you.  I have been looking forward to it".
Julie then had the option of dealing with Simon's feelings and they could have worked out a compromise without there having to be an argument.
A couple can do something to fix this problem.  They would first have to identify what a bomb is and when it happens.  Then they can reach an agreement that if one person identifies a bomb, the other person should have a really honest look at what they just said.
If you are dealing with a person who bombs and wont own up to it, just ignore the bomb and keep returning to the topic that you brought up.  This is sometimes called the "broken record technique".
Julie's three bombs were the absolute and unfair words; "never", "anything" and "always".