Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

May 1999
So often the word empathy comes up when I talk with my clients.  There is much misunderstanding about what it means, so I thought I would share with you what I think it means.  The Macquarie dictionary give the definition of empathy as “Mentally entering into the feeling or spirit of a person or thing, appreciative perception or understanding.”
Simply put, empathy is the art of putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.  Jack and Mary are married.  When Jack is being empathic (also termed empathetic) with Mary, he is able to hear and understand her point of view even though he may not necessarily agree with it.  This is an important point.  It’s like debating.  In debating, you may be required to argue a point of view opposite to the one you believe in, yet still have your own belief system.
Empathy is about listening.  It is about putting your own agenda aside long enough to really hear what the other person is saying.  Often, it is a very difficult thing to do if you are upset.  But it is the most important tool in conflict resolution.
Let me illustrate by example.  Mary is upset because Jack is working long hours and not spending enough time with the family.  One night Mary starts to tell him this.  As soon as she begins Jack gets defensive and cuts her off mid sentence.  “If I didn’t work these long hours, how do you think we are going to pay the bills.  Money doesn’t grow on trees you know”.
Mary feels hurt and frustrated because her concerns are not heard.  Both Jack and Mary have legitimate points to make, but without empathy, the situation just degenerates to an argument.  If Jack could be empathic, he would put his defences aside and listen to what Mary has to say.  She just wants him to spend more time with the family.  And fair enough to.  Once Jack really hears what Mary is saying and acknowledges that he has heard, then it is Mary’s turn to be empathic.
She can say, “I know you work very long hours and I really appreciate that, but maybe we can do some restructuring so you can spend more time with the family.”  The empathic listening is the key to conflict resolution.
It’s not easy, and it the task is too difficult, it may be necessary to go to a skilled counsellor to facilitate the empathy process.
 

It’s more than understanding

January 2002
If you are reading this, you have survived the silly season.  The Christmas holiday period can be a stressful time for some families where cracks in a relationship start to show.
After thirteen years of marriage, Jane and Peter came to see me for counselling as they had been experiencing big problems in communicating.  Jane complained that Peter didn’t understand how she was feeling.  She said that “He always has to analyze everything so logically that sometime he misses the point altogether”.
Peter said “I really do try and understand her, but sometimes what she says just doesn't make sense”.  Peter and Jane were looking at their issues from very different points of view.  Peter tried to understand his wife, but he looked at her world from his own point of view.
Peter needed something more than just understanding.  He needed empathy.  Empathy is the ability to see things form the other person’s point of view.  It’s like being on a debating team where you have to debate the opposite case to the one that you believe in.  You have to be able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person.  In order for Peter to communicate effectively with Jane, he needed to develop his empathy skills. 
Empathy is not easy when there is conflict, because it feels like you are giving up your case.  But, when empathy works well, it can lead to conflict resolution.  When Peter really started to listen to what Jane was saying, he was able to ask her questions to show her that he did understand what it was like from her point of view.
One of the tests for empathy is role reversal.  When I was working with Jane and Peter, I asked them to swap seats and act as if they were the other person.  This meant that Peter had to behave as if her were Jane and visa versa.  I this exercise, you have to put aside your own point of view completely and just represent the case for the other person.
Role reversal is the ultimate test of empathy.  I am happy to report that, with some practice, Peter was able to become much more empathic, once he understood what was required of him.  Even though Jane had good empathy skills, she learnt to develop her skills even further.
Sometimes, understanding is not enough.

Empathy the healer

January 2008
I wrote about empathy way back in 1999 and it’s time to touch base with this really important skill.  It surprises me how few people really know what empathy is, let alone how to use it.
Empathy is the ability to walk in the other person’s shoes, and to understand how someone else is thinking and feeling. You don’t have to agree with someone to be empathic with them. 
Russell and Jane had been married for 14 years.  Jane had an argument with a shop assistant at her local dress shop.  She waited for Russell to get home from work so she could share with him.
She started shared with him how rudely she had been treated.  Russell started to tell her how she should have handled herself.  It wasn’t what Jane wanted to hear.  She didn’t want Russell to fix it, she just wanted him to listen.
Russell was a well meaning man and couldn’t understand why Jane didn’t want his helpful suggestions.  Jane wanted understanding support from Russell not solutions.  Jane was quite capable of finding her own solutions.
When they came to see me for counseling, I explained to Russell that there were two easy steps for him to take.  The first is just active listening.   He might say “I understand that must have been difficult for you” or “I’m sorry that you were treated so rudely”.  At this stage Russell could also ask questions such as; “Why did she say that?”  This demonstrates to Jane that he really is trying to understand.
The second step is to ask if she would like him to share his thoughts about what he might do in a situation such as this.  If she says yes, then he is free to problem solve.  If she says no, then the problem solving is left to another time.
Empathy is not “rocket science”, it is just the ability to put your own ego aside to take the time to understand where the other person is coming from.  It is much more challenging to be empathic when the person is upset or angry with you.  Still it is possible.  Empathy is the great fight stopper.
Most people get upset if they feel they are not being listened to or understood.  Sometimes an argument can be stopped in it’s tracks by saying, “let me repeat back what I think you are saying and see if I’ve got it right”.
More empathy – fewer misunderstandings!