Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

March 2004
The other day I saw  the movie “Something’s gotta give” with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton.  It was wonderfully entertaining.  It brought up the issue of communication between courting couples.  So many times in the movie Harry and Erica avoided asking for what they wanted.
The reason that they didn’t ask, was the fear that their request would be rejected or ridiculed.  Sure, it was risky for them to express their needs given the sort of relationship that they had. But I think that they played it too safe. 
When we are starting to get close to someone, we are often scared of saying how we feel.  But there are ways of testing the water.  We could say; “I really enjoy your company, do you feel the same way?” Or we could say; “Do you get a bit scared when things go well as you get to know someone?” 
Take a risk.  Ask for what you need.  The chances are that if you don’t, your partner or friend will not be able to guess what you want.  I know it sounds a bit extreme, but you can even ask for a compliment.
Lynn is 35 years old.  She is the only daughter of Anne.  Anne doesn’t do compliments.  It was very rare for her to praise Lynn when Lynn was a child.  Lynn learned not to expect praise, and certainly never to ask for it.  Later on Lynn learned from raising her own children, that children thrive on praise and encouragement.
Lynn and her husband make sure that they give their children tons of praise.  Their children have developed good self esteem.  Lynn began to realize that compliments were an important thing missing in her relationship with her mother.  One day she worked up the courage to ask her mother to pay her compliments.
Anne replied that “Too many compliments can spoil the child”.  Lynn pointed out that she only got criticism from Anne and never a compliment.  Lynn eventually did get through to her mother after many attempts.  The change didn’t happen overnight, but they began paying each other compliments.  It felt a bit awkward at first, but after many months it became more natural
It was an important change for the better in the relationship.  Anne still slipped back into criticizing Lynn on occasions, but Lynn was more inclined to ask for a compliment in addition to the criticism.
Ask for what you want.  You just might get it.
 

The cost of being assertive

May 2004
In my psychology practice, I help many people become more assertive. The other day I had an occasion to test my own assertive skills.  I was returning a electric light stand to a major chain store.  The shop assistant was quite offhand toward me.  I had the choice of saying something about it or just letting it go. In the past, I would have just let it go.  I have always hated conflict.
This time I made the decision to do something about it.   I told him that I thought he had been rude to me.  He shrugged it off without comment.  He had the chance to apologize but chose not to.  I asked to speak to the manager and I explained to him that the shop assistant had been rude to me. The manager was just as offhand and said “What do you want me to do about it?”.
I was starting to get a bit upset.  I said “an apology would be in order”.  He mumbled an apology and walked away.  It was then that I played my trump card.  I spoke loudly so that all the customers in the area could hear.  I said that I didn’t appreciate being treated this way and I wanted an apology from the shop assistant.
Eventually, the shop assistant grumbled an apology of sorts.  I left the shop having won the battle.  The cost was that I felt quite upset and it took me about half an hour to calm down afterwards.
Was it worth it?  I had to weigh up the cost of being assertive against the cost of being treated rudely.  Yes, it was worth it for me.  It was part of my journey of standing up for myself.
I really do have a deep understanding of how difficult it is for some people to be assertive when other people treat them badly.
Anthony is a client of mine.  He has let people push him around all his life.  He had low self esteem and rarely was able to put his views forward persuasively in a work situation.  He did not command respect from his colleagues and at home he was considered to be a bit of a laughing stock by his teenage children.
Anthony began the difficult journey of overcoming his fears and becoming  more assertive, he has improved his profile at work and is now treated with respect.  He feels much better about himself.  He still finds asserting himself in conflict situations difficult, but he really appreciates the gains that he has made so far.

Standing up for yourself

October 2005
“If you stand up for yourself, you can get into a lot of trouble”.  Well that’s true, but it depends on the circumstances and how it is done.  If you live in Zimbabwe, I would not recommend standing on a street corner shouting “Robert Mugabe is a ruthless dictator who is murdering his own people.”   That would land you into heaps of trouble. 
Here’s a four step program to be assertive and stay out of trouble:  The first step is to learn to believe in yourself enough to want to stand up for your rights.  The second step is to assess the situation as to whether it is safe to be assertive.  The third step is to work out your chances of having a win.  The fourth step is to work out the best strategy for dealing with a particular situation.
That first step is by far the hardest for people who are not assertive.  If it is hard for you, then do some work to improve your sense of self worth.  If necessary get some professional help.  One of the songs that I have written is called “I deserve”.  It is designed to help people increase their sense of self worth.
When you reach a point of believing in yourself, the rest is much easier.
Rod was having trouble with his boss John.  John kept asking him to do more and more.  Rod put in longer and longer hours to keep up.  Rod became very stressed and anxious.  When Rod complained to John about the pressure of work, John dismissed Rod’s concerns.  John said that the company was relying on Rod to meet the deadlines otherwise they would loose a big contract.
Rod needed a dose of the four steps.  About a year ago he got some professional help.  He changed his core beliefs about himself from “not good enough” to “I am worthwhile”.
Once he believed that he was worth looking after, he started to develop strategies to deal with John.  He decided on the number of hours that he was prepared to work in a week and presented this to John.  John was very upset and felt that Rod had let him down.  Rod (with his new self esteem) pointed out that he had been doing the work of two people.
John had to give way.  He couldn’t fire Rod because he would have to hire two people to replace him.  John made adjustments to the work place.  Morale went up and so did productivity.  Another happy ending.