Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

January 2004
Funerals are interesting events.  People behave in widely differing ways.  Some people are very emotional and others maintain the “stiff upper lip”.  The point of this article is that no matter how you chose to deal with your feelings, stay connected.
My father died in 1995.  I travelled from Brisbane to Wangaratta to attend the funeral.  I wanted to “be true to my feelings” at that funeral.  I had a couple of days to prepare myself before I left for Victoria.
I worked on rehearsing how I would cope with the various things that came up. My dear friend Patricia helped me with these rehearsals.  I made some decisions.  The first was that I would view Dad’s body.  This wasn’t done in our family.  Nobody viewed a dead body.  Death wasn’t even talked about.
I viewed my father’s body on my own to say goodbye to him.  This turned out to be very good for me.  I was able to spend half an hour with him as he lay in his coffin.  I cried and wept and even did a bit of wailing.  It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it was incredibly helpful for me.
I came away from the funeral parlour feeling that I had really said goodbye to my father.  Because there was no one else there, there was no one to approve or disapprove of my behaviour.  It was between me and him.
When it came to the service and the eulogy, my brother went first. He delivered a prepared speech telling of all Dad’s achievements.  It was very well done.  I took a different path.  I hadn’t prepared my eulogy at all.  I got up in Wangaratta cathedral before a full house (Dad was a popular man in the community), and I spoke from my heart.
It worked for me.  I felt very “present in the moment”.  I was very emotional and wrestled with tears on several occasions.  But at the end there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.  So it worked for the congregation also.
Being present in the moment is about feeling “I am here right now”.  The only job that I have to do is be true to myself and where necessary, convey my feelings to others.
I think it is important that we stay true to ourselves in any situation where there are performance pressures put upon us.  Staying connected helps with emotional resolution.