Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

June 2008
We can not be honest with other people if we are not honest with ourselves.  If we don’t know what is going on inside, then we can’t tell the truth about it.
When Chris said to his wife Helen, “I don’t know why I yelled at Josh” he was telling the truth as he knew it.  He really didn’t know why at a conscious level.  Chris was unaware that he had been angry with his 12 year old son.  Chris had cause to be angry.
Later on Chris apologized to Helen for yelling at their son.  Chris denied that he had been angry.  He explained that had just been having a bad day.  Now Chris wasn’t telling the truth.  He had been angry with Josh.
The reason that Chris denied his anger was because Helen was very protective of their son and it was not cool for Chris to be angry with him.  Chris was telling the truth as he understood it.  If he had a better understanding of himself he would have realized that he was denying his anger to keep out of trouble with Helen.
So Chris’s lack of self awareness led him to tell a lie that he hadn’t deliberately wanted to tell.
In past Dear Dick’s I have made a big deal of our need for self awareness.  I am still beating this drum.  How can a couple have an honest and open relationship if they are not honest within themselves?  Of course it is impossible.
A lot of the marital problems that Chris and Helen were experiencing were a result of dishonest communication.  When they first came for help, I found a very entrenched system of denial by both of them.  Neither wanted to look at what was going on underneath.
We persevered over many weeks and started to make headway.  Helen started to look at why she was so over protective of Josh.  The reasons lay in her own abusive childhood.
Chris started to understand why he was so afraid of getting into trouble with Helen.  Again the reasons lay in his childhood.  They were both able to make changes and they started to communicate more openly and honestly.
Chris didn’t have to hide his anger any more.  Helen didn’t have to be so over protective. They could now negotiate issues because the real truth was out in the open.
Josh benefitted because he could no longer play one parent off against the other.