Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

November 2004
Prue was hopping mad.  She hadn’t expected to walk home by that road on that day, but she did it just for a change of scenery.  At the end of the road, there was Rod hugging another woman.  That was it.  She took off her engagement ring and threw it into her pocket and raced home in tears.  She knew what men were like.  Her mother had told her so many times. This confirmed it.  You can’t trust any of them.
Straight from the plot of a Hollywood film.  You can write the rest of the script.  A fight followed when she met Rod again.  The truth came out at last.  It was his sister visiting from London he had been hugging.  It was going to be a surprise for Prue to meet the sister.
Ho hum, usual story, jumping to conclusions.  Getting angry before finding out what is really going on.  So why does it happen?
Prue had a history.  She has been hurt many times in her 22 years. She didn’t believe in herself so she couldn’t accept that anyone could really love her.  As a consequence she didn’t believe that Rod really loved her.  She was always suspicious of him.
Also, she had learned from her family of origin to be quick with anger.  The pattern she had learned was to make assumptions, and jump to conclusions.
Did she learn from this experience?  Well the good news is that she did.  She gave herself such a fright with her outrage and she had been so embarrassed.  She apologized to Rod and undertook to see a therapist to get help with her feelings of jealousy.  Her therapist helped her to recognize that underneath feelings of excessive jealousy is insecurity. She worked hard to learn how to believe in herself.  She also learned that jumping to conclusions before checking out the facts can have disastrous results. 
The question remains, is some jealousy healthy?  I don’t think so.  If you think someone is cheating on you, be suspicious not jealous.  Act on your suspicion to check out the facts.  If you find yourself jealous of someone because they are richer than you or better looking or luckier, wish them the best of luck. Focus on all the assets that you have in your life.
Jealousy is a miserable unhealthy state.  If you suffer from it, do something to get it fixed.  If you don’t, it will damage yourself and your relationships.
 

Weapons of mass destruction

Feburary 2005
Resentment and bitterness.  If you suffer from these, they will eat away at you.  I believe that many physical and mental diseases have their origins in stored resentment. 
Rod had been separated for six years.  His wife left him for his best friend.  These two had been having an affair for over a year before Rod found out.  Rod felt betrayed by his wife and by his best friend.  Quite a blow for a hard working and loyal guy like Rod. 
Rod was so angry that it took months for the anger to subside.  He was then left with a gnawing resentment.  He kept the photo of his wife in the living room and brewed over it.  His health started to suffer after about six months.
He was depressed most of the time, socially withdrawn, prone to upper respiratory infections and his asthma worsened.  Rod didn’t try and date women, he spent time with his parents and a couple of friends from work.  He was bad company because he was miserable, obsessed with his wife and quick to anger.
Things got so bad that he went to a psychiatrist.  The antidepressants he was prescribed helped him feel better, but they didn’t change his obsessional resentment of his ex wife.
He visited a psychologist.  The psychologist helped Rod to take stock of his life.  He was able to escape from his victim mode way of thinking.  He started to realise that he had contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.  This eased the resentment as he took responsibility for his contribution.
Rod also started to understand that he had been living in the past. But he didn’t want to just “forgive and forget”.  He started to work out a formula for change with his therapist.  This involved letting go of the attachment to his ex and using this experience to help him in future relationships.
Rod chose to let go of the resentment, repressed anger and preoccupation with his ex.  Some would call this forgiveness.  His life started to change.  Now when he went on a date he wouldn’t spend all the time telling his date what a lousy thing his ex had done to him.  His conversation turned to positive things and he started to laugh.  He hadn’t laughed properly for about 15 years.  What a release.
Resentment is a weapon of mass destruction and the person who is hurt the most is the person carrying it.