Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

March 1999
Sometimes when my husband and I have been getting on really well, he has only to say something really innocent sounding and I will get very upset really quickly.  Is this normal and what can I do to not be so reactive?
Mrs B
 
Dear Mrs B
The problem of over-reactivity is quite common.  When a person becomes very upset to a relatively innocent sounding comment, this comment is called a “trigger”.  A trigger is anything that activates a “core belief”.  A core belief is something that was set up in our childhood and stays around even after it is well out of date.
Let me give an example.  John says to his wife Mary, “You should be able to fix that, it’s not all that difficult”.  Mary becomes enraged.  Her core belief is that she is stupid.  In her childhood, this belief was reinforced over and over by her father.  (Mary is actually quite intelligent).
One of Mary’s triggers is anything that implies that she is stupid.  Her response to such a trigger is instant rage.  It is all on automatic pilot.  Mary doesn’t know why she gets so angry so quickly.  She hasn’t made the connection between this trigger and her father putting her down during her childhood.
In order to get control over such a strong reaction, Mary will have to understand something about the connection with her childhood and her father putting her down.  She will have to learn how to communicate with that part of herself that runs the core belief that she is stupid.
It can often take quite a bit of therapy to learn about our core beliefs and how to change them to bring them up to date.  In this process of recovery it is necessary to learn how to have our adult part on charge of making a decision about whether to react or not.  In the example given above, the adult part of Mary would need to assess whether John was really trying to put her down with his comment “it’s not all that difficult”, or whether he was just making a light hearted joke.
Learning what ones triggers are and how to control them is very empowering.
 

Road rage

June 2002
What is “road rage”?  It’s when a driver gets angry at someone else about some inconsiderate action, and that anger is much greater than is warranted.  Alex has road rage.  He was driving along the Western Freeway. He became furious when another car cut in in front of him. He tailgated the other driver.  Even when the other driver turned off the freeway onto Moggill Road, Alex followed him taking Alex out of his way.
Fortunately, Alex gave up the chase after a while and returned to his journey.  What made Alex behave this way?  Firstly, Alex felt an overwhelming sense of injustice.  He wasn’t going to let this other driver get away with such “inconsiderate” behaviour.  He was going to “teach him a lesson”.
As a child, Alex learned to be quick tempered.  It worked for him as a child.  This behaviour has never gone away.  As a middle aged business man, he is quick to anger.  On the occasions that his wife travelled with him in the car, she would become frightened of his reckless driving when he became enraged.  It came to a head one day when Alex nearly caused a serious accident.
His wife insisted the he receive treatment.  He and his wife went to a psychologist.  After some talking, he was able to admit that his rage was out of control and dangerous.  He agreed that this behaviour was addictive.  He gained satisfaction from being in a state of self righteous rage.
He was also able to accept that no one wins when he gets into a rage.  His treatment involved three stages.  The first stage was admitting that there was a problem.  The second stage involved understanding where the rage was coming from and understanding the beliefs of his subconscious parts that fed his rage.
The third stage involved him role playing situations that would lead him to road rage.  In this role play, he was able to hear the words coming from the angry part of him.  He began to find alternatives.  This third stage also involved him changing the way he approached driving.  He was able to have a more relaxed and less urgent approach.
Alex was successful at controlling his road rage.  When another driver showed lack of consideration towards him, he was able to let go of his anger and feel pity for the person who ran their life with so little consideration for others.
 

Anger sickness

January 2007
Some people seem to be angry all the time.  Others never express angry.  What’s the right thing to do? 
Let me start by telling you what isn’t helpful.  Being angry a lot of the time is not healthy.  It puts your body out of balance and this can lead to serious health problems.  The people close to the angry person also experience an increased level of stress which is just as unhealthy.
Rod was quick to anger.  He learned as a child that when he got angry, he would get his way, particularly with his mother.  Rod learned to be a bully.  He would use his anger to intimidate others.  His wife and children were afraid of him.  Rod would never admit that he was a bully.
Celia could not express her anger. She would get upset, but never angry.  Any anger that she started to feel got turned in on herself.
They made the perfect couple - Rod the bully and Celia the pacifier.
Such an unhealthy situation.  When they started therapy, there were some very difficult lessons to learn.  Rod had to face that he was an “Anger Addict”.  He used anger to avoid resolving interpersonal difficulties.  Rod had to learn that he could choose to deal with difficult situations without getting angry.  He could listen more carefully without flying off the handle.
Celia’s lessons were just as tough. She had to overcome her fear of conflict and her fear of not being liked.  She had to learn to express herself assertively and even to express her anger on occasions.
Our sympathies naturally go to Celia in this situation.  But when I helped this couple, I had to put my biases aside.  I had to understand that both people were trapped in a sick situation.  Both people needed help to change.
Rod and Celia did make big changes over time.  Now they are able to successfully negotiate their way through problems (well most of the time).