Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

February  1999
My husband and I have been married for seven years.  We have two young children.  My husband has worked very hard to build the company business up from nothing to a very profitable company.  But there has been a price to pay.  He works seven days a week and long hours each day.  He hardly ever sees his children because he comes home too late and the children are in bed.
I have complained to him many times and each time he says “We are just going through a difficult patch at work and we should be through it soon”.  What can I do ?
Mrs J
 
Dear Mrs J
From what you describe, it sounds like your husband may be a workaholic.  A workaholic is someone who becomes absorbed in work and neglects other aspects of their life such as family and recreation. 
Like any addiction, workaholism is a way of avoiding dealing with issues.  Your husband may be avoiding feelings that he doesn’t want to recognize.  He also may be avoiding contact with his family because he feel inadequate in dealing with family matters.
Your husband will almost certainly not be aware of the consequences of neglecting his family.  He probably believes that he is doing the right thing by earning the money to provide a good home, a comfortable lifestyle and a good education for the children.  One of the common features of addictive behaviour is denial.  Most workaholics that I know deny that there is a problem with their behaviour.  Because hard work is seen as a virtue, your husband will probably think that he is doing the right thing for his family.
My suggestion is for you to try and be very clear in how much time you want him to spend with you and the children.  Set clear boundaries and stick to them.  You may find it useful to read some self help books about how to manage addictive behaviour in your partner.  It also may be useful to get some professional guidance from a therapist experienced in the treatment of addictive behaviour.
 
Sorry, too busy
March 2005
 “We really must get together some time but right now things are really hectic for me.”  “I’ll give you a bell when things settle down”,  I said to my friend just yesterday.  Not for the first tim
There must be some sort of trick.  When I was a kid we were told that the increase in technology would give us more leisure time.  We would have more free time to spend relaxing and spending time with family and friends.
It seems that the more technology we have, the more we jam into our day.  I’m sure someone has a name for that principle.  But we can do something about it.  The first step is to take an honest look at what we do.  We need to ask ourselves, what is our balance between work, sleep and leisure?
Sometimes this can be difficult to judge.  If you work for yourself, the boundaries between work and leisure become blurred.  Is that computer program I am trying to fix for enjoyment or for work?  To answer that question I need to ask; is this task regenerating me or is it draining me?
Once you have made an honest assessment of the time spent between work, sleep and leisure then the second step is to start making changes.  The ideal balance is about eight hours for each.  If you sleep too much, then you may be depressed or there may be something else wrong.
If you have too much leisure then you are a slack b….. and you need to get a job (just joking).
If you work too hard then you are like many of us who take too much on and have to cut into our leisure or sleep time to get the jobs done. 
Ernie works too hard.  He works a 60-80 hour week.  He said that he has to do it to provide for his family and pay the private school fees.
But Ernie is kidding himself.  He is a workaholic.  His real motivation for working so hard is to avoid being at home.  He feels out of place in the company of his wife and two daughters.  He doesn’t know how to relate to them.  He feels an outsider in his own home.
The first step for Ernie is to acknowledge that his real motivation for working so hard is to escape.  Then he needs to get some help with developing the social skills to communicate effectively with his family. 
It’s as easy as that.