Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006
"Alcoholic husband"
August 2001
My husband is 36 years old and holds down a responsible job. I have been worried about his drinking for many years now. He drinks about 4 to 6 stubbies on week nights and a bit more on the weekend. He only gets drunk on rare occasions, and when he does he never gets aggressive when he’s drunk. I have talked to him about it and he says that his drinking is not a problem and is quite normal. Does he have a drinking problem and if so, what should I do about it?
Mrs P M
Karana Downs
Dear Mrs M
Your husband’s alcohol consumption is reasonably heavy, even by Australian standards. It sounds to me like your husband does have a drinking problem and might even be called an alcoholic. There is no shame about being an alcoholic. It is a condition that is treatable. Some call it a disease.
A common myth about alcoholics is that they drink all the time and are the “down and out” types. Alcoholics come from all walks of life and can hold down responsible jobs while maintaining an alcohol habit. Alcoholics can be men or women from adolescent age upwards.
There are many definitions of alcoholics about, but the one that I like best is: “An alcoholic is a person who has to drink alcohol”.
Some people with this problem say they could give it up at any time. But when you challenge them to give up for 2 months, many will find great difficulty in taking up this challenge.
The spouse of an alcoholic will need help managing the problem, particularly if the alcoholic is in denial such as your husband appears to be. There is good help available from ALANON (a support group for families of alcoholics). Individual counselling is often very useful for members of an alcoholic’s family when learning where to draw good boundaries.
Alcoholism can be managed, but it is usually a long haul and it takes a lot of courage to get into recovery for both the alcoholic and the spouse of the alcoholic. But, take heart, there is a lot of help available out there.
I think one of the biggest concern is that children in an alcoholic family. My experience is that children of alcoholics always get damaged by an alcoholic parent’s behaviour.
“Alcohol the destroyer”
August 2004
I received an email the other day from a distressed woman in her late thirties. Sue (not her real name) has a husband and three children. Sue said that her “husband drinks each and every day from the moment he comes home from work”. Her husband (I will call Brian) does not see that he has a problem. He sees Sue as “the one with the problem”.
Sue said that “I believe he is an alcoholic.” “Although I know that I must dig my way out of this crisis, I am finding myself thinking seriously about suicide.” From what Sue has described, I agree with Sue that Brian is an alcoholic. Brian does have a serious drinking problem.
She went on to say “I can't concentrate, I feel like I am going mad, I have no interest in anything, I hate myself in each and every way.”
The first thing that I would like to say is that there definitely is a way through this situation. Sue appears to be turning her frustration and anger against herself. That is understandable, but it is not the way to go.
The energy that Sue is expending on hating herself is her valuable life energy. This energy can be rechanneled into finding a solution that works for her and her children.
Alcoholics live in a fantasy world protected by walls of denial. Alcohol, like other forms of addiction is about escape. Brian is escaping from dealing with things in his life. Brian will be using alcohol to escape from his Inner Critic. The Inner Critic is the part that gives Brian a hard time every time he makes a mistake. Alcohol gives instant relief from the Inner Critic, but none of the problems are solved.
There are ways of penetrating these walls of denial. All of the ways involve Sue changing the way she feels about herself and getting out of the anger-depression trap. To do this, Sue will need help. There are many support groups around such a ALANON. ALANON is a self help group for people who have an family member or friend who is an alcoholic. There are also many therapists around who know the protocols for dealing with an alcoholic. Sue will need to get help to learn how to feel strong within herself before she can take a focussed and determined approach with Brian.
Sue, to you I say there is hope. There is a key to the door. Act now.
“I'm not an alcoholic (part 1)”
October 2007
“Yes, I have a bit to drink, but so do all my mates” John explained to me. “That doesn’t make me an alcoholic.” John is a home builder. “If I’m an alcoholic, so is half of Australia” John went on to say.
John was 45 when I first saw him. He had been a heavy drinker since he was about 17 years old. His father was also a heavy drinker. He told me that he had never been arrested for drunkenness, nor had he ended up in the gutter. He just enjoyed a few ales after work – and what’s wrong with that? John said that the only reason that he had come to see me was that his wife told him to.
John appeared to be in denial about a drinking problem, but I didn’t have enough information to be sure. I asked that his wife attended the second session with him. That’s when the full truth came out. Jenny filled in the gaps. She told me that he drunk a lot more than he had led me to believe. She also told how John changed personality when he drank. He became moody, short tempered, irresponsible and distant unless he wanted sex. If he wanted sex when he was drunk, he was charming. “But who wants to make love to a drunk?” - Jenny asked.
They didn’t come to see me for another three months. John had said that it was a waste of time and he wouldn’t go back. Jenny had reached a point of not being able to put up with any more and she moved out with their three children. This was just the kick that John needed.
He had never believed that she would actually leave him. He was in shock. He was desperate. He stopped drinking altogether. He kept going round to Jenny’s place and begging her to come back. He brought her flowers every night. He told her that he was a reformed character and he had finished with the booze. He kept on saying how sorry he was for how he had hurt her. He gave her guarantees about how he would treat her in the future.
This went on for about four weeks. The children were putting pressure on Jenny to go back to Daddy. Jenny decided to give him another chance and moved back home. After all, he was a really nice man when he wasn’t drinking.
This story concludes in the November edition of The Local Bulletin.
“I'm not an alcoholic (part 2)”
November 2007
You will remember in the October “Dear Dick”, I told you about John with his drinking problem and how his wife Jenny left him. She moved back home after lots of guarantees from John.
Things were wonderful for about three weeks. Then John started drinking again with his mates. He kept it secret at first. When Jenny found out she confronted him about breaking his promise not to drink again. He explained that it was under control and he just had a social drink with his mates after work. “They expect me to have a beer with them” he explained.
But his drinking didn’t stay under control. John started drinking more and more. Gradually his behaviour returned to what it used to be. Jenny was in despair – her trust had been shattered.
She threatened to leave again unless they went back to counselling. After a gap of three months, they returned to see me. By this time, John was prepared to admit that he did have a “bit of a problem with alcohol”, but he was “definitely not an alcoholic”.
We had a series of disagreements about what an “alcoholic” was. I explained that it was simply a person who had a dependency on alcohol. He couldn’t deny that he had a dependency and that it caused major problems in his marriage.
I explained to John that alcohol was a “drug of permission”. It gave the drinker permission to do things that they couldn’t do when they were sober. For John, the grog gave him permission to relax, feel normal, feel included and feel socially confident. I explained that our job was simply to change these permissions inside his head. When he took the permissions away from the alcohol and took control of them in his sober state, he would no longer have the urge to drink.
We went about changing the permissions with a series of techniques designed to improve his self confidence and develop the awareness to fight old habits. The work wasn’t easy. John would rather have just continued drinking. Occasionally he would have a drink and we would review what went wrong.
After 6 weeks work, he declared that he had totally given up alcohol. Now in the sober state, he has gained control over the permissions to relax, feel normal, feel included and feel socially confident. It’s been a year now since John had his last drink. Work in progress, but looking good!
Other substances
Marijuana and young people
October 1998
This article is a reply to questions that several people have asked me over the last weeks about the use of marijuana by young people. The whole issue of young people and drugs is huge and I will limit my comments on this occasion to just marijuana (pot).
Pot or grass seems to be in quite common usage in the age groups of 15 to 25 years in the Western Suburbs. The actual numbers of people using isn’t known because it is not something young people do openly.
For some users, pot smoking is just an experiment and goes no further than occasional use. I do not jump up and down about this. The person who really concerns me is the habitual user. If a person is smoking pot regularly and frequently, they are an addict. They might not like to be called an addict, but if they are smoking several times a week for several months, they are an addict.
Let me say the difference between physical and psychological dependence. Physical dependency is the body’s dependency on a chemical. Cigarettes (nicotine etc) are one of the most addictive substances around. Pot does not seem to be very chemically addictive. Pot addicts are psychological addicted.
It is a very effective drug in this regard. Take the case of Alex (not his real name). Alex is 19 years old and in his second year of university. He smokes pot at least once a day and has been using for about three years. He started using when he was having great conflict with his parents. In any argument he had with his father, Alex felt that his point of view was never herd by his father. Alex felt defeated.
As a response to these conflicts, Alex felt hurt, angry, frustrated and powerless. He turned to pot. This took away the hurt and anger and he felt good. He could be with his friends and just feel good. He had a steady girlfriend who was also regularly using.
His mother confronted him about the pot usage early this year. Alex said there wasn’t a problem. He felt just fine.
The problem was that he was like an empty shell. Nothing psychological and emotional was being dealt with. His relationships were becoming more and more shallow and he spent more time alone.
I recommended to Alex’s parents that they take the following action:-
1. Confront Alex strongly and repeatedly about his habit.
2. Show him their concern rather than their anger.
3. Recommend that he see a psychologist and if necessary take him to the first appointment.
4. Don’t give up.
Alex did get treatment and he is making some progress in dealing with his emotional issues, but it is still early days.
Up in smoke
April 2001
Please change the phone number listed at the end of the article from 3378 6267 to 3378 2266
It’s so easy for some people to say that smoking is just a physical addiction. How many time have you hear people say, “I’m hooked on nicotine”? There certainly is a physical component to smoking addiction, but it is the psychological stuff that really keeps people hooked on the habit.
Looking closely at the psychological issues can give the key to how one can give up smoking. Most people smoke cigarettes to relieve anxiety. This is particularly true in social situations. However, smoking means that they avoid having to face these social fears.
Peter is a 28 years old business man and a heavy smoker. He started the habit when he was 15 years old. It was such a “cool” thing to do back then. It was a way of him being accepted by his friends. But now he is well and truly hooked. He smokes most of the time, but particularly in social situations when he is also drinking a bit of alcohol.
Peter appears to be confident on the surface, but underneath he is anxious. He covers his anxiety by smoking. He has tried to give up many times. The longest that he has gone without is a week. Always he rationalizes his return to smoking by saying “I’ve beaten the addiction now, so it won’t hurt to have just one”.
For Peter, the payoffs for him smoking are: Firstly, it gives him something to do with his hands. Secondly, the chemicals in the cigarettes reduce his anxiety. By using this chemical solution for anxiety relief, the underlying causes are never dealt with. There is a better way for Peter to deal with his social anxiety and that involves building his self esteem.
Peter has a very active Inner Critic (see last month’s article on “Being Perfect”). He lives in a state of fear that people will not like him or find him acceptable. He smokes and drinks to drive this fear underground.
The good news is that once he deals with the fear, he no longer has to drink or smoke to hide his fear. Peter will need someone to help guide him so that he can interact with his inner critic and change the way it works.
I have found working with the Inner Critic the most effective method of helping people overcome the habit of smoking. Once a person can get the Inner Critic off their back, they no longer need to smoke. Giving up can still be difficult, in terns of giving up the habit, but not as difficult.