Dear Dick
Articles about psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

"Being perfect"
March 2001
So what’s wrong with being perfect?  Isn’t that what we should all be striving to be?  I don’t think so.
Many people come to me troubled because they feel that they are not good enough.  They don’t “measure up”.  They are forever trying to reach very high standards that they have for themselves.  They feel they do not measure up to these high standards.  The burden of perfectionism.
Perfectionism is not about standards, it’s about attitudes towards standards.  Take the example of Peter.  He is a second year medical student.  He studies really hard and achieves good grades.
However, what ever standard Peter reaches, it is never good enough for him.  He pushes himself all the time.  The only relief that he gets is when he drinks alcohol.  Only then can he relax.
Peter has a very over critical “Inner Critic”. His Inner Critic learned these values from his father.  Peter’s father pushed Peter because he believed that this was the right thing to help Peter be successful in life.
Peter’s Inner Critic believes that if he doesn’t continue to push himself, he will not be good enough.  The alcohol gives relief from the Inner Critic for a while.
Peter’s girlfriend Mary is not a perfectionist.  She is also studying medicine and achieves good grades.  But when she achieves a good result, she is able to feel satisfied, and rewards herself in some way.  When Peter achieved a good result, he gives himself a hard time for not doing even better.
The perfectionist rarely or never experiences this satisfaction.  The burden of perfectionism.
Mary has high standards, but because she is able to be satisfied when she reaches them, she doesn’t need alcohol to help her relax.  Mary has good self esteem.  Peter has poor self esteem.  Peter has an alcohol problem.
Perfectionism is driven by the fear of not being good enough and therefore not being acceptable.  Recovery from this condition involves learning how to set realistic standards and when you reach such a standard, to be satisfied and reward yourself in some way.   I order to do this, you must first lessen the impact of your inner critic.
Self help books are helpful here, and a good therapist can also help you learn to change the way the Inner Critic operates.
If Peter doesn’t get his perfectionist/alcohol problem fixed, he will hurt many people in his life, including his future children.
 
“Even more perfect”
May 2001
The “Dear Dick” article in the March edition about being a perfectionist, created a lot of interest and comment.  In this sequel to the article, I thought I could say some more about recovery from this condition.  If you know you are a perfectionist and you want to be more relaxed about what you do, then the first step to take is to identify what your “Inner Critic” (I C) is saying to you.  The I C is that part that gives you a hard time when you make a mistake.
Most of what the I C is saying we do not register at a conscious level.  So we must really focus to hear exactly what the I C is saying.  In my “Singing for Fun and Healing” workshops, I get people to write a list of all the things that their I C says about their singing voice. 
Usually people underestimate the strength of what the I C says.  They might hear something like:  “Your voice is not very good”.  Whereas, if they listen carefully, what the I C is really saying is much stronger: “Your voice is horribly out of tune and people will really hate it if you sing”.
I firmly believe that every part inside is trying to look after us in some way and this includes the I C.  Usually the I C is trying to look after us by making sure we achieve high standards.  But in the case of the perfectionist, it had gone overboard. 
The next step is the tricky bit.  We need to be able to interact with our I C.  Once you have written down what the I C is saying, then thank the I C for trying to look after you.  This may be hard to do if you are angry with it.  But it is an essential step.
Then try to interact with your I C.  In the example of singing, say something like “I really want to enjoy singing and learn to sing better, but I can’t if you won’t let me sing at all”.  Or you might say “You’re right, I do sing out of tune, but I can learn to sing in tune if you give me a chance”.
When people do make contact with the I C at a deep level, then it really does make a difference.  By reducing the impact of your I C, you can increase your self confidence and your self esteem.  It’s worth the effort.