Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

October 1998
My wife, Anne and I have been married for 15 years.  I think of myself as a fairly rational man.  Most of the times we get on well and can have a normal conversation. However, there are certain issues that we just can’t see eye to eye on.  One of our biggest issues is the safety of our teenage children.  I tend to let them have a fair bit of freedom and Anne seems to me to be over protective.  When we talk about the issue it always ends up in an argument.  We went to marriage counselling a couple of times and the counsellor did some problem solving stuff, but it didn’t change anything.
Mr T
Dear Mr T.
More often than not, when there are important differences between couples that can’t be sorted out, one or both partners are coming from deeply held fears.  These fears are part of their core belief systems.  Such fears have their origin in childhood events.  The belief systems that form the basis for such fears are held deeply in the subconscious.  A person may not even be consciously aware of what these deeply held reasons are.  When you ask such a person to give the reasons, they give what sounds to be an irrational answer.
For instance, your deeply help beliefs about the children’s right to be free to experience life to the full, may have come from the excessive restrictions that were placed on your freedom as a child.
On the other hand, your wife Anne may have deeply held fears about the safety of her children based on experiences from her childhood.  For instance, her mother may have been a excessively nervous and protective person and conveyed to Anne, at an early age, that the world is a dangerous place.  This fear could manifest itself in the belief that her children need a lot of protection or they will come to serious harm.
I am giving possible examples of core belief systems.  The important thing is that problem solving marriage counselling usually does not get to these core beliefs.  Gaining access to the deeply held core usually requires considerable skills from a therapist.  Once a person understands what their core beliefs are and where they originate from, something can be done to test those beliefs against what is happening in the real world.
There are techniques that give access to core beliefs and can lead to change.  If both you and your wife are prepared to seriously look at the core issues underlying your approach to your children, then reconciliation of your ideas is much more likely.
The children also benefit from having agreement of approach between their parents.
 

The adult child

June 1999
My wife and I have three children.  The older two have left home, but my youngest son doesn’t seem to be motivated to face the real world.  He is now 25 years old.  He dropped out of a degree course at university after second year and doesn’t seem to be motivated to go back.  He is not looking for work.  He spends a lot of time with computer games and socializing with his friends.
My wife and I want him to leave home and make a life for himself, but we just don’t have the heart to just kick him out.
Jim H
Dear Jim
Adult children seem to be staying at home for longer now days.  I do not have enough information from your letter to be clear about why your son is staying at home, but it appears that he is playing it safe sitting in the nest and not risking his chance at flying.
If this is the situation, sometimes the kindest thing to do is strongly encourage him to leave.  Talk to him about how he is not doing anything with his life (as I am sure you have done).  One way of putting pressure on him to move out, is to start charging him rent of $100 per week starting next week.
Make your demands for him to leave home tougher and tougher.  He will probably say that because you are trying to kick him out, that you no longer love him any more.  Just reassure him that you do love him and that by asking him to leave, you are making him deal with life.  This is an act of loving caring concern.  By his avoiding leaving home, he doesn’t have to deal with taking responsibility for looking after himself; for getting a job, for finding accommodation and for generally managing his own affairs.
It is usually fear that stops adult children leaving home along with the comfort of being looked after.  Some parents subtly encourage children to stay at home long after the leaving use-by-date.  These parents may need to look at their own issues involving “The empty nest syndrome”.  Fears for such parents are often the fear of growing old, or the challenge of getting on with your partner once there are no children around to act as buffers between the two of you.
In the long run most adult children will benefit from leaving home.  Sometimes they will return to the nest, but hopefully for shorter and shorter stays.

Young athletes

October 2003
Don’t you just love those parents at junior soccer matches who get really angry from the side line?  They abuse the umpire, denigrate the other team and yell support at their child’s team.  Often as not, their child is not all that enthusiastic about the game.  Most of the energy is coming from the parent.  It’s that old “pushy parent” syndrome. 
I read the article in last month’s Local Bulletin called “Athletes of the future – You don’t have to be a super athlete to join in the fun”.  How true.  Parents who push their children in sport often don’t count the cost of that pushing.  They are not even aware of the harm they are doing.
I have found that some parents who push their kids are motivated by self interest.  Either they want to be bathed in reflected glory from their child’s success or they are making up for some opportunity missed in their own childhood.  This is all happening at a subconscious level and they will swear blind that they are pushing their child for their child’s own good. 
I agree that you can’t produce a top athlete without drive and dedication and many hours of hard work.  But, I also believe that the drive to achieve should come primarily from the child.  The parents job is to support the ambitions of their child while at the same time providing balance with the many other important aspects of a child’s development.  It is important for the developing child that they are able to play just for the fun of it without huge expectations being placed on outcomes of games.
The child should be encouraged to enjoy their sport and not be tied to success at all costs. The child should be encouraged to accept losing graciously and be satisfied if they played well by their own standards.
I have witnessed a father who was angry at his son for missing a goal in a junior soccer match even though the boy was doing his best.  That father’s behaviour is helping lower the self esteem of his son.  The father was reinforcing the message that the boy is only good enough when he is successful.  We should let our children know that we value them no matter even when they miss that crucial goal.
Last but not least, that abusive dad at the soccer match is robbing himself of the chance to relax and enjoy the game.
 

Pushing children

February 2000
My son Michael is starting grade 11 this year.  I am concerned because he did not do particularly well in his grade 10 year.  His teachers say that he is bright enough to go on to Uni and he could achieve a lot better.  Should  I push him to study more this year or just leave him alone?
In the past, when I have tried to push him, he just gets angry and doesn’t study anyway.  Sometimes, I feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. 
Mrs K
Dear Mrs K
Yours is a very topical letter with schools having just gone back.  I started writing this column two years ago this month, and the very first letter was about this problem of study.  It is a problem that many parents face where their child is not motivated to study.  To push or not to push?  That is the question.  As always, the answer is complex.  It depends on the circumstances. 
The best way of motivating a child to study is by persuasion.  In general, this works better than pushing.  Most grade 11 students will not react well to being pushed to study.  There are the exceptions who respond to parents providing a fair bit of structure for their study program.
The approach that I have found works best, is to provide incentives for success in exams.  For instance, it may be worth offering to buy Michael a new bike if he achieves a certain result at the end of the first exam period.  It is important that, when such an incentive is offered, that the reward is not given if Michael does not reach the mark.
Negative incentives can also be used, but these tend to be less effective.  For instance, Michael is only allowed to go to football training on Wednesday night if he has finished his English assignment.
Another technique that has proved helpful is for you to sit down with Michael and work out a program of study that will work for him.  It is important that the study program be realistic for the workload that he has to cover.  It may help to talk to his teachers about how many hours a week that they feel Michael would have to study.
Another useful method is to work out ways of making study more interesting and enjoyable for Michael.  For instance, when he is trying to choose a topic for an assignment.  Talk to him about what topic would be of particular interest to him.
The best results are achieved by talking about what he wants and what he needs to do to achieve this result.

Change of school

March 2002
Our family moved from Darwin to Brisbane at the beginning of this year.  My son Peter is in grade 9 at the local high school.  He is having a lot of trouble fitting in.  He had some good friends in Darwin, but now he is finding it hard to make new friends.
Peter doesn’t like school and he says that the other kids are unfriendly.  How can my husband and I help him?
Mrs. AP
Dear Mrs. AP
For many children, a change of schools can be a difficult time.  By the time students enter the grade 9 year, many of them have established friends.  Giving Peter support during this time is most important.  Sit down with him and spend some time finding out where the problems are.
When you ask him what is happening, he might make global statements like “Nobody likes me” or “I try to join in, but the other kids don’t want me”.  Time to get specific.  Ask Peter about the details.  What sort of group did he try and join in?  Were they sporting groups or playground groups?  What did he say and what did they say?  See whether there is a pattern emerging that leads to his being rejected.
It can be hard to get teenagers to look at their own behaviour.  It is so much easier for them to play the role of the victim.  
Once you can get some idea of what is going on, then start to help him to find other ways of dealing with the situation. One case that I came across was where a child wanted to play soccer with the other kids at lunch time.  Each time he tried to join the game he was excluded.
Then he came up with the solution.  He purchased a really flash soccer ball and brought it along the next day.  Would you believe it?  They wanted him to play soccer with them.
The most important factor is emotional support to help him to find out his own solutions.  Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to the teachers involved to let them know the problem.  But if you do too much rescuing, you rob Perter of the chance to learn how to solve his own problems.
I advise against parental intervention except in situations where something serious like bullying is going on.  I would not look at changing schools unless you have fully explored the social problem solving options.
 

Blended families

April 1999
My wife and I have been married for three years now.  We were both divorcees.  My wife and her 14 year old daughter Ann, came to live in my home, and we married shortly after.  Ann has never accepted me.  She has no respect for me or my authority.  She will take directions from her mother, but not from me.  When I try to tell her to turn her music down, there is always resentment.  On the occasions when I have made a fuss, Ann gets hysterical and then my wife backs Ann and says that I shouldn't upset Ann. 
My wife admits that she is being over protective, but does not seem to be able to stop herself.  I am so frustrated and upset, I don't know what to do.
Mr O
Dear Mr O
This problem is all too common now days in blended families.  There is only one solution that I know of, and that is to find a good family therapist and be prepared to work hard in therapy.  Both you and your wife have to be able to reach common ground where you can present a united front to Ann.  You will need to be able to determine firm but loving guidelines for Ann to follow.  She will need to be clear where she stands, where the boundaries are and what the consequences are for crossing those boundaries.  She will need to learn that she cannot “divide and conquer”.
Your wife may feel very protective towards Ann because Ann has been through the trauma of a broken family.  Often these protective feelings are very deep seated, and cannot be changed by normal negotiating.  This is where you need the skills of a family therapist who is able to reach the core beliefs that are held at a very deep level.
It is not just your wife who has to change, but you have to change as well.  You will need to look at whether you are being over reactive.  You may need to compromise some of your standards relating to parental authority.
With cases like this that I have treated in the past, the teenager is usually wanting his or her old family back, and will try and cause division between his or her parent and step parent. It would be a good idea for Ann to attend some of the family therapy sessions, but not until such time that your wife and you can reach some common position.
 

Student study

March 1998
I have a son who has started grade 10 this year.  I am worried because he doesn’t seem to have any interest in studying at school.  All he does during the day is play loud music, play on his computer and talk to his friends on the phone.  How concerned should I be, and is this a normal stage?
Mrs E
Dear Mrs E.
Playing loud music, being glued to the computer an talking on the phone for long hours is a normal stage of life for many teenagers in this day and age.  However, sometimes this behaviour may be an indicator that he is going trough more serious difficulties with low self esteem, feelings of isolation and possible other issues.  If a child is isolating himself, this may be a sign of depression.
Often, we as the parents, are the last to know if our children having problems, because many teenagers are reluctant to talk with their parents.  My experience is that often teenagers do want to talk to a parent but are often too afraid to start, or not sure how to start.
The art to communicating with a teenager about their problems is the art of “active listening”.  Active listening is being able to listen, show that you understand, and not over react.  For example, if your son tells you that he tried smoking the other day for the first time, resist the temptation to launch into a tirade about the dangers of smoking, but rather ask how did it happen and what did it taste like? 
It is better to get an understanding of what is going on first, before giving a lecture.  Sometimes a lecture is appropriate, but, if your child is trusting you enough to talk about difficult matters, respect that trust at all times.
On occasions, a child may be experiencing difficulties which require the intervention of a psychologist or other qualified therapist.  It is always better to be safe than sorry in these situations.