Dear Dick
articles about wide ranging psychological issues
from "The Local Bulletin" (Brisbane Australia)
by Dick Rigby
©all articles are copyright 2006

December 1999
Each year, at Christmas time, my husband’s relatives descend on us like a hoard of locusts.  Some come from Melbourne and expect that we will put them up.  They eat us out of house and home.  My husband says that he doesn’t want them to stay.  Also, I don’t want them to stay.  But when I ask him to say no to them, he just can’t bring himself to do it.
I think they see their annual trip to Queensland as their summer vacation.  This year I would really love a quiet Christmas with just our immediate family.  What can we do?
Mrs P
Dear Mrs P
A difficult and delicate problem.  The dilemma is between being assertive on the one hand, verses the risk causing offence on the other.  I suppose, if you said to your husband’s relatives that you wanted to spend Christmas on your own this year, some of them might be offended. 
Sometimes it is a good idea to say what you need and if people don’t like it, well that’s their problem.  A good principle, but easier said than done.
Also, you can take action yourself.  You don’t have to leave saying “no” up to your husband.  You could have a quiet word in their ear.  If I were in your position, I might explain to the relatives that we were planning on speeding a quiet Christmas on our own this year.
In this situation, you are making a request to your relatives that you consider to be quite reasonable.  If the one or more of the relatives becomes offended, then they are not a supportive person to have in your life.  They are not taking your needs into consideration. 
It is often said that we can choose our friends, but we can’t choose our relatives.  True, but we can choose how we relate to our relatives.
I would like to take this opportunity to wish all the readers of the “Dear Dick” Column the very best for Christmas and the new year.  I would also like to thank the Local Bulletin for giving me the opportunity to communicate with you.
 

Break some family rules

January 2005
The silly season is over.  How did you survive?
So annoying to get sucked into those old family patterns when we get together with our “Family of Origin”.  We can get really upset when there is no point. We get programmed as kids to act in set ways in the presence of our folks.  Here’s a recipe for change.
Lucy dropped in to visit her folks Christmas day 2003.  Mum said “You’ve put on a bit of weight dear since we last saw you”.  Lucy replied “I’ve had a really stressful month at work”.
What Lucy really wanted to say was “Mind your own business mum.  You look after your weight and I’ll look after mine”.  Mum followed up with “Don’t you think it’s time you and Peter thought about getting married?  He’s such a nice young man”. 
Lucy represses her growing annoyance and says “We are taking our time.  I don’t want to make the same mistake again”.  What she really wanted to say was “When you and dad get your marriage problems sorted out, then you can give me advice on my marriage plans”.
The recipe to fix this has two parts: Firstly tune in to what you are feeling, and secondly, break a family rule.  Lucy knew she was getting annoyed with her mother trying to control her personal life, but she didn’t want to say anything to upset mum.  After all her mother really loved her and she was trying to do the best for Lucy.
Christmas day 2004 was different.  Lucy had learned to be assertive.  She learned to risk upsetting her mother.  As Lucy walked through the door, her mum said “I really think that it’s time you set the marriage date.  None of us are getting any younger”.
Lucy was prepared.  “Mum, please stop trying to run my life for me.  I know that you love me and are trying to do the right thing, but I want to be in charge of making my own decisions.  I will ask for your valuable advice when I am ready.”
Well, you could have heard a pin drop.  Mum couldn’t decide whether to look hurt or get angry.  She chose to look hurt.  It was a difficult Christmas dinner.  But it was the start of Lucy sticking up for herself and changing the way the family script was played out.
Mum got over the hurt and started to learn how to respect Lucy’s boundaries.