Have you been looking for a story to work into your next presentation?. We'll here is a start. I hope to keep adding to this page over time. Email me if you know any jokes I could add.
I have listed the jokes under the following headings:-
Have you heard the latest pick up line? A man walks up to a girl at the bar, "If only you were a small business and I was John Howard."
A couple of blokes set off in a balloon, They're determined they are going to stay up longer than anyone else in ballooning history. But two days later there's a huge storm that wrecks all their radio equipment. And while they're being buffeted around, their food falls overboard. Worse still, they don't know where they are. They might be anywhere. On the other side of the world. So they decide to lose altitude until they come in sight of land. Down they go, very slowly, descending through the clouds. And they sigh with relief because they're over land. Peering down from the basket they see cars and think, "Well, they're driving on the left side of the road. That means we're probably in the UK or Australia. And they're playing tennis. So it must be a civilised country." They come within hailing distance of the tennis court and call out to one of the players, "Hello, down there!" The two fellows stop playing tennis and look up. "Yeah, what do you want?" "Where are we?" "You got any money?" "Yes, what do you want with money?" "Throw it down," says the man on the ground. So they throw a wallet down and one of the blokes on the ground picks it up, takes the money out, splits it with the fellow on the other side of the net and puts the wallet in his pocket. Finally he says, "Now, what was your question?" "Where are we?" "You're in a balloon." At that moment they rise above the clouds and the two partners look at one another helplessly. "That was useless," said one. "No, at least we know where we are." "What do you mean we know where we are?" "Well, we're over a civilised country. They drive on the left hand side of the road. And those two fellows are lawyers." "How can you tell they're lawyers?" "Well, first of all, they wouldn't do a thing for us until we paid them. And what they said was absolutely true and totally useless." (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
Two lawyers meet up in the Executive Lounge before a flight. One is looking slightly flustered and his friend enquires about the problem. Says the first lawyer, "I've just done something very embarrassing. You know how sometimes your words can get all jumbled and you say something you didn't mean to? I was at the check-in counter - there's a very beautiful young woman on duty - and I said, "Good morning. Two pickets to Titsburg, pleas." His friend smiled. "Yeah, similar thing happened to me at breakfast this morning. I poured myself a coffee then said to my wife, "You bitch, you're ruining my life. I want out," when what I meant to say was, "Pass me the sugar bowl please, darling."' (slightly modified from Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) The young lawyer approached the Irish farmer walking along the road asking directions to the local Court House. "Ah, well," the farmer said, "ah em .... Well if I was going to the Court House, I wouldn't start from here." The young lawyer approached the Irish farmer walking along the road asking directions to the local Court House. "Ah, well," the farmer said, "you go up the road here and turn right about a half mile before the church."
After an incident in Croydon involving a prision van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals. (The Two Ronnies, BBC TV) A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. (Anon) I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. (Woody Allen, Take the Money and Run, screenplay, 1969) Al Capone, in mood benign, Sent a massive Valentine, Those who got his commendation Shot up his estimation. (Will Bellenger, New Statesman, 1984) Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it. (G.K. Chesterton, The Man Who was Thursday, 1908) A broad definition of crime in England is that it is any lower-class activity which is displeasing to the upper class. Crime is committed by the lower class and punished by the upper class. (David Frost and Antony Jay, To England with Love, 1967) ERNIE: Is there a price on your head? ERIC: Yes, but I won't sell. They've offered one thousand pounds if I'm captured dead. ERNIE: Yes? ERIC: Two thousand pounds if I'm captured alive. ERNIE: Yes? ERIC: And three thousand pounds if I'm captured dead and alive. And all for one lousy overdue library book! ERNIE: What's the charge? ERIC: Tuppence a day. Oh, I see what you mean - Borrowing with Intent! (Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise, The Morecombe and Wise Joke Book, 1979) ETH: A professional burglar! Mr Glum, you told me Ron's Uncle Charlie was a biologist. MR GLUM: All I said was, he studies cell structures. (Frank Muir and Denis Norden, The Glums, London Weekend Television, 1978) I'm all for bringing back the birch. But only between consenting adults. (Gore Vidal, interviewed on The Frost Programme, 1966) It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly. (Lord Birkett, attrib.) (The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humourous Quotations by Fred Metcalf, Penuin Books, 1986)
The elderly client comes in to see her solicitor, "Oh Dear, your a good lawyer, I want you to make me another will just like the one you made for me last time. It's been 10 years since you made it and it hasn't given me a moments trouble. (Someone actually said this to a solicitor I work with) The Pope dies. As he mounts the stairs to the Pearly Gates he wonders why he doesn't hear any trumpets. Nor is St Peter waiting for him. However, the gates are ajar so His Holiness pushes his way in. Needless to say, he's in his best outfit, complete with his most impressive papal crook. Well, you only die once, and he wanted to make a grand entrance. So he's very, very disappointed by the reception. Perhaps they'll jump out from behind a cloud and chorus "Welcome to Heaven". Perhaps they're going to have a surprise party for him. But for twenty minutes absolutely nothing happens. Suddenly a bloke runs by with a big tray of sandwiches. And the Pope yells out, "Hey you, over there!" The fellow stops and says, "Oh, Your Holiness, we were expecting you. I'm sorry we weren't there to meet you, but we're holding a brunch for you tomorrow around 11 o'clock. You'll enjoy it. Welcome to heaven." The Pope says, "Hang on, I'm the bloody Pope!" "We've got lots of popes. We've got hundreds of popes here. You'll meet a lot of the at the brunch. Anyway, welcome to heaven, but right now we've got to go and meet Mr Meyers." And off he goes. And the Pope is left wondering who the hell Mr Meyers is. So he follows the bloke around the corner where a band's tuning up and there's St Peter with a list in his hand organising things "The anchovies ... not many people like anchovies. Put them down at the end of the banquet table. The artichokes are very puny. That won't do for heaven, and certainly not for Mr Meyers. Get bigger artichokes - do a miracle, or something." Just then St Peter looks up and says, "Oh, Your Holiness. Hi, I'm St Peter. Awfully sorry I wasn't there to meet you, but Mr Meyers is coming." The Pope says, "Who is this Mr Meyers? And why is he more important than the Pope?" "Well, he's our first lawyer." And the Pope says, "A lawyer? What's a lawyer doing in heaven?" "Oh, here he comes now, Your Holiness. Excuse me I'll be right back." St Peter runs off to the gate and the Pope catches a glimpse of a fellow in a pinstripe suit with a briefcase in his hand. He's led into heaven looking a bit puzzled. But St Peter couldn't be nicer. He takes the briefcase from him, shakes his hand, puts an arm around his shoulder and says, "I'm St Peter. Welcome to heaven." Mr Meyers looks puzzled and says, "How did I get into heaven?" "Believe me, Mr Meyers, it's not based on your work or your character or anything you've done during your life. But it's because you're the oldest man ever to come to heaven." "What do you mean? I was 46 when I died of a heart attack just this afternoon. What do you mean old?" "Well, according to our records you're over 500 years old." "Nonsense," protests Mr Meyers, "I told you I'm 46." St Peter said, "Well, we have your office records right here." Mr Meyers says, "Oh no, you've just added up the hours I charge my clients." (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) A lawyer was sitting in his office one afternoon, all by himself, doing some paperwork, when suddenly there's a big puff of smoke in the corner and the smell of brimstone. When the smoke cleared the lawyer saw - the Devil. He said, "What can I do for you?" The Devil said, "I want to offer you a great deal." "I'm a lawyer, I'll tell you whether this deal is great or not. What are the terms?" The Devil said, "Well, first of all, I guarantee that you'll live to be at least 150 years of age and that you'll have the body and lust of a teenager and an endless succession of nymphomanical secretaries, each one of which will be more beautiful, voluptuous and enthusiastic than the last one. Women will do anything you want - all you'll have to do is think about it. Moreover, you'll have a job with the biggest law firm in Melbourne. You just name it, you'll be the head of the law firm on the most fabulous six-figure salary. You'll have eight weeks holidays every few months if you want." The lawyer said, "Hold on, this sounds too good. What do I have to give in return?" The Devil said, "Oh, it's very simple. Your faithful wife of twenty-four years and your two beautiful children will have to die right now. In extreme agony. And go to hell to burn for the rest of eternity." The lawyer paused for a minute and said, "Oh, all right, but what's the catch?" (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) My boss recently went to his solicitor to make a will. Amongst his gifts was a wish that $10,000.00 be given to each employee who had worked for him for thirty years. "But you haven't been in business for thirty years," said his solicitor. "No," my boss replied, "but it's good advertising." An elderly man was near the end and summoned his accountant, doctor and lawyer to his death bed. When they were gathered around his bed he said, "You are my trusted advisers. I am near the end and I don't want my miserable relatives to get anything I have. Here are three envelopes and in each envelope is $100,000.00. I want each of you to take an envelope and hold unto it until they put my casket in the ground. As they throw in the dirt each of you must throw in your envelope and my money will be buried with me." After the funeral the accountant, doctor and lawyer stood at the graveside and waited until the dirt was being thrown in. Then each of them threw in an envelope. On the way to the wake the accountant, doctor and lawyer caught a taxi together. The accountant said, "I have something to admit. I took $10,000.00 out of the envelope before I threw it in the grave." The doctor then said, "Well, I couldn't resist it. I took $20.000.00 out for myself before I threw it in the grave." But the lawyer said, "I can't beleive I am hearing this. I threw the whole amount into the grave. The envelope contained my personal cheque for the full amount.".
While a doctor, priest and lawyer were out at sea fishing their rowboat sprung a leak. The doctor said,"We're sinking, someone will have to swim to shore." No sooner had he said that and a school of sharks began circling the boat. The priest said, "Well, I've had a good life, I'll jump over board." But the lawyer wouldn't hear of it, jumped overboard and began swimming toward the shore. As the doctor and priest rowed to shore they were amazed. Instead of attacking the lawyer the sharks made a guauntlet each side of the lawyer as he swam to the shore. The priest proclaimed, "It a miracle." The doctor said, "No, I don't think so, its just professional courtesy." See also the three envelope story under "Death,wills and estates".
Two 88-year old pensioners visit the lawyer. "We want a divorce," they chorus in quavering voices. The lawyer was amused and curious. "Why on earth have you waited so long?" "We were waiting for the kids to die?" (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
... all in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what is more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges. (Peter Cook, Sitting on a Bench, nightclub act, 1960s) DEFENDANT: I don't recognize this court! JUDGE: Why not? DEFENDANT: You've had it decorated! (Eric Morecombe and Ernie Wise, The Morecombe and Wise Joke Book, 1979) JUDGE: Don't take that "Judge not, lest ye be judged" line with me, young man. (Graham Wilson, The Weird World of Graham Wilson, cartoon, 1975) (The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humourous Quotations by Fred Metcalf, Penuin Books, 1986) Two Magistrates, having become lightly inebriated together one Friday evening, were promptly arrested by an unsuspecting police officer who had just arrived in town to enforce the law. All parties were embarrassed when the facts emerged. However, the question of bail was not in issue, since each of these gentlemen, with a stroke of the legal pen, granted the other co- offender bail on the condition that he would appear in the Magistrates Court on the following Monday morning. On the Monday morning the question arose, who should sit on the bench first. "I will," said the first gentleman of the law, hoping that he could set a precedent for his brother magistrate. "This is a serious matter, this drunkeness in a public place," he said. "However, as this is your first offence, I shall treat the matter with a degree of leniency and place you on a good behaviour bond." He then stepped down from the bench and took his turn standing in the dock. His brother magistrate, with whom he had previously been imbibing, stepped up and sat on the bench. "There is a prevalence of this type of offence coming before the courts, and something must be done about it. Why, this is the second example of such behaviour that the court has had to listen to this morning. Fined $ 100.00." (slightly altered from Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) What do you call a bigot in a wig? Your Honour. What do you call a few hundred bigots in wigs? The Australian judicial system. Why are Australian judges like a dyslexic? Because everything they say makes you want to launch an appeal. Why is an Australian judge like a drunk? Because his judgment suffer from too many years at the bar. Why is an Australian judge like Old Sydney Town? Because both offer a variety of 18th-century views. Why is a woman in the court system like a ship on the ocean? Because, at the end of it all, it will be her in the dock. What do you call a judge driving through a working-class suburb? Lost. Is it true that Australian judges are all from the same class? Yes. Mr Tompkin's Latin class at Melbourne Grammar, 1914. Why are Australian judges so prejudiced against women? Because they never met any at Melbourne Grammar. What is right and old and goes round in circles? An Australian judge endeavouring to blame the victim. What is black and angry and going nowhere? An Aboriginal Australian expecting a fair trial. Why do white men get such lenient sentences? Because the judges have to save prison space for the blacks. Have you heard about the Australian judge who got confused? He was prejudiced in favour of a woman. Why is an Australian judge like a remedial speech teacher? The both worry that men won't be able to cope with a long sentence. Why do people address judges as "the bench"? Because they're both about as sensitive as a block of wood. How many Australian judges does it take to change a light bulb? None - the judiciary hasn't changed anything in years. Why is an Australian judge like Halley's Comet? Because they've both spun out of touch with the real world. Why did the judge stop his wife plugging in the iron? Because he couldn't cope with a woman being close to power. What do you call fifty sexist, racist judges stuck at the bottom of the ocean? A bloody good start. Why are Australian judges often called wharfies? They sit on cases. (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost, attrib.) (The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humourous Quotations by Fred Metcalf, Penuin Books, 1986) Three Sydney men, who were called for jury service but failed to attend, were summoned to appear before a judge and account for themselves. The first of them to front the judge was lectured on the seriousness of the offence and asked for an explanation. "Your Honour," he said. "I realise how serious this matter is. The night before I was due to report for jury service I set my alarm clock to wake me in plenty of time. But when the clock broke down - it didn't go off and I slept in. Even so I hurried and got ready to leave without breakfast, but I couldn't start my car. The battery was flat. I immediately phoned for a taxi. When it came I told the driver the situation and asked him to hurry. We were doing fine until we reached Pyrmont Bridge, but then we ran into a milk cart and killed the horse." The judge muttered something about that being "a likely story" and told the man to sit down and wait while the second man was interviewed. This man's story started off exactly the same way: the alarm clock that didn't ring, the car that wouldn't start, the taxi ...The judge interrupted, "And when you got to the Pyrmont Bridge, " he suggested, "you ran into a milk cart and the horse was killed?" "That's right," said the man. "How did you know?" "Never mind," said the judge, "sit over there and wait." The third man appeared before the judge, who eyed him sceptically and said, "Did you set an alarm clock that failed to go off?" "Yes, sir." "And then your car wouldn't start because the battery was flat?" "Yes, sir." "So you called a cab and told the driver to hurry." "Yes, sir." The judge smiled sourly. "I can hardly wait to hear what happened at Pyrmont Bridge," he sneered. "Ah," said the man, "that's where the hold-up happened - there were two dead horses on the bridge." (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
Four surgeons at a seminar are talking about their preference for patients. The first surgeon says, "I prefer to operate on electricians. When you open them up they are all colour coded. All you have to do is match up the colours." "I prefer computer analysts myself," says the second surgeon, "everything is either on or off. You just look around and turn on anything that's turned off." The third surgeon says, "I like to work on actuaries. Everything is by numbers. You just check off, 1,2,3,5. So you just hook up the 4." "Well, I much prefer to to operate on lawyers," says the fourth surgeon. "They're gutless, spineless, heartless and brainless. And you can swap their mouth with their arseholes anytime without any trouble." COUNSEL: Have you any idea what your defence is going to be? DEFENDANT: Well, I didn't do it, sir. COUNSEL: Yes, well, er, I think we can afford to fill that out a little. It's not in itself a cast-iron defence. DEFENDANT: Well I didn't do it sir! I didn't do it! And if I did it, may God strike me dead on the spot, sir! COUNSEL: Well, we'll just give him a moment shall we ... (Alan Bennett, The Defending Counsel, On the Margin, BBC TV, 1966) COUNSEL: I shall of course try to discredit the character of widow Coddington. I notice she's got a Polish lodger which, in the eyes of the law, is synonymous with moral laxity. It hasn't yet been made statutory. (Alan Bennett, The Defending Counsel, On the Margin, BBC TV, 1966) LAWYER (to judge): And as a precedent, your Honour, I offer a Perry Mason case first televised four years ago in which ... (Chon Day, DAC News, cartoon, 1969) I don't want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do; I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do. (J. Pierpont Morgan) MORGENHALL: ... if they ever give you a brief, old fellow, attack the medical evidence. Remember, the jury's full of rheumatism and arthritis and shocking gastric troubles. They love to see a medical man put through it. (John Mortimer, The Dock Brief, 1958) No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but common sense, and relatively clean fingernails. (John Mortimer, A Voyage Round My Father, screenplay, 1972) That's what comes of being a solicitor, it saps the vital juices. Johnny doesn't even embezzle his client's money, which I should have thought was about the only fun a solicitor can get out of life. (P.G. Wodehouse, Ice in the Bedroom, 1961) (The Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humourous Quotations by Fred Metcalf, Penuin Books, 1986)
A Queensland farmer is seeking damages for injuries sustained when his horse was hit by a car. In court, the defence counsel asks, "After the accident, didn't someone come over to you an ask how you felt?" Farmer: "Yes, I believe that is so." Defence counsel: "And didn't you tell him that you never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "Yes, I guess I did." The defence counsel then sits down and the plaintiff's counsel stands up. Plaintiff's counsel: "Will you tell His Honour the circumstances in which you made the response?" Farmer: "Yes. Not long after the accident, my horse, which sustained broken legs, was thrashing around. A policeman came up to the horse, put his revolver to its ear and shot it dead. Then he went over to my dog, which had a broken back and was howling miserably. He put his revolver to the dog's ear and shot it. Then he came over to me and asked, "How do you feel?" I said, "I never felt better in my life."' (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
University research psychologists decided not to use white rats in experiments any more. They opted to use lawyers instead. First, they're much more plentiful - you can get lawyers anywhere. Second, sometimes experimenters get a little too attached to their white rats and if something nasty happens to them they feel bad. And with lawyers you just don't have that problem. Third, they've found out there are some things that white rats just won't do. But the latest development is they've stopped using lawyers. They're back to using white rats again. The reason's simple. They weren't into it very long before they found out that lawyers aren't that close to human beings. (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
Fr Flannery was with a group of priests on retreat. After a big lunch the old fellows got comfortable and started dozing off during the seminar. One young presenter thought he'd wake them up and started out by saying, "You know, some of the happiest days of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." The old priests lifted their heads and Fr Flannery pricked up his ears. The young presenter continued, "Yes, (pause) my mother." Well old Fr Flannery thought he'd work that into his next homily to liven up some of his parishioners. So the following Sunday he started his sermon with, "You know, some of the happiest days of my life were spent in the arms of a woman." Then he paused. He certainly had the parishioners full attention. Old Fr Flannery went on, " Yes, now, if I could only remember her name."
What's the difference between a lawyer and an accountant? The accountants know they're boring. What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet with no parachute? Who cares? (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
A motorist is cruising along the Hume Highway at normal speed when he notices a police car right behind him. So he accelerates to 100 kilometres, and then 115 kilometres, and so on. No matter what the increment in speed, the police car remains close behind. Finally it overtakes and passes the motorist and signals him to stop. A very angry constable demands an explanation of this erratic and illegal behaviour. "It's like this, Sarge. Last week one of your officers ran away with my wife and I was afraid he was bringing her back." (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) A surgeon from outback Queensland is apprehended by police for driving his Rolls Royce in an erratic manner. "Now, sir, would you blow into this breathaliser?" "No, I cannot." "Why?" "Because I have emphysema." "Well, sir, you must submit to a blood test." "Sorry, that's not possible." "Why?" "Because I'm a haemophiliac." "Well, you must get out of the car and walk along a straight line." "No." "Why?" "Because I'm pissed!" (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) A bloke was driving home after a long lunch. He knew he'd had a few, so he was being particularly careful, doing everything by the book. Inevitably, he was pulled over. Before the cop could reach the window, the driver was explaining how he'd really only had a couple and he was ... The cop cut him short. "If you'd just get out to the vehicle please, sir." The man tried to explain how watchful he was being. The cop insisted. The man got out of the car. The cop led him around to the back and pointed. "Are you aware, sir," he said, "that your left-hand brakelight is not working?" The man slumped to his knees and burst into tears. "It is only a brake light, sir," the cop said. "Oh, bugger the brake light," said the man, "where's my bloody caravan?" (modified from Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass) A vintage car buff had broken down and a fellow in a Porsche offered to tow him, "but," he said, "I'm in a hurry. If you see a police car, give a hoot." A little while later a traffic policeman returned to his bas. "I thought I'd seen everything," he said, "but today I give up. I was chasing this vintage car at 120 kilometres, but when I started my siren, the crazy guy starts hooting to overtake a Porsche." (Penguin Book of Australian Jokes, Ch: The Law is an Ass)
Let me know if you have any comments or suggestions for this page. Email me if you think I have left any good jokes out.
The law-on-computer home page.