Chronological Crue is proud to share these emotion stirring memoirs with Crüeheads every month, of an extraordinary relationship that grew between a special young fan and the Crüe's engine room, Nikki Sixx. Come on the journey with us, as every month we chronologically re-visit the meeting and treating, the tears and the fears, the inspiration and dedication, of this unique perspective on life, Crüe and fate. These chapters are written and contributed under her preferred alias of Angel Aderhold.

Chapter 8 - Hi Nikki, I'm NOT an Angel anymore! - February 2001.

After hearing the word "cancer" I thought for a while if I didn't "say it" then it would go away! LOL! Many people who knew me then, didn't know the seriousness of my condition. My parents only told a few people as well. On my road to recovery, I felt I had been given a new lease on life. I had a list a mile long of things I wanted to do and realized how many things I had yet to experience. I wanted to ‘see it all’ and ‘do it all.’

I had never been drunk, never prayed to the ‘porcelain God’ LOL, and never had a hangover. I wanted to experience it ALL... the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to feel the pain of a wine hangover, I wanted to see the world, go to each of the 50 states. I wanted to see the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, the Tetons, Niagara Falls, the tunnel to Canada in Detroit, Snowbird, Alta, Bryce Canyon, Zion, Arches in Utah. I had seen the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico but had never seen the Pacific Ocean. I wanted to walk under the Santa Monica Pier and walk the sands in Malibu. I had a kinship with the ocean. It was such a place of refuge and peace for me. I wanted to make a silly trip on a whim and go to Daytona Beach, FL and party all night until the sun came up, watch the sunrise on the ocean and sleep a little, get up and travel to Orlando to shop and head to Tampa/Clearwater/St. Pete to watch the sun set on the ocean. I thought it would be cool to watch the sun rise AND set on the same day on the east and west coast of FL. It was a pilgrimage I made time and time again. To date, I conquered all of the things on my ‘list’ and have since added new things to my ‘to do’ list. I have seen 40 of the 50 states and look forward to seeing the other 10. 

Now, as fate would have it, I was no longer a virgin during the Dr. Feelgood tour. It WASN'T Nikki and I'm gonna leave it at that. But, "Who'd a thunk it"... Miss Goody Goody would turn out to be, not only a nymphomaniac, but Good at it! LOL!  I think that you have to eat 3 meals a day to survive so you should have sex an equal number! :)  Some people argue that it's ‘Quality’ over Quantity but I am greedy and say I want BOTH... I want it all! It reminds me of the Def Leppard song "All I Want is Everything!" I had a reputation of being a groupie and a slut in my hometown and at first it hurt and I thought, "I DON'T sleep around... I just MEET a lot of people" and then decided, "What the hell, If I'm gonna get punished for the crime, I may as well commit it" and decided, "Let's give 'em something to talk about!" I suppose it was my roots but I was mostly "all bark and no bite" but was known to bite a few times when provoked! :) I was 90% Angel and 10% devil. I don't want to send out the wrong impression. I can STILL count my sexual partners on my hands after others run out of fingers, toes and split ends to count! LOL! 

I met every band that toured the circuit at that time. I became known as the "tough nut to crack" because I DIDN'T sleep around and would say things like, "Damn, you look OLD in person" (ouch) or "You look like shit, no thanks, the fantasy was DEFINITELY better than the reality, I'd rather see you on a poster than in the morning."  For the most part I'd meet people and think, "OK, he's hot, he's famous, let's give it a whirl" and then whoever it would be would be slurring their speech drunk with beer breath and Body Odour and I'd think, "UGH....Nah, what was I thinking?" I could spend a minute with a guy and know if I was gonna get turned on enough for it to be worth my time or not. If not, I'd say, "Nice to meet you, I need to go!" I made a couple of mistakes that only God and I know about and I never shared with my sis or closest friends. It was regrettable and not worth talking about... kinda like... "You better hope you have a long music career... What was THAT? Talk about 10 seconds of love... drive by sex... I've had sneezes that lasted longer! So you've slept with 1,000's of girls because you're famous and I'm supposedly the best you ever had... thanks for the compliment but once was enough for me”. :( 

Between my sis Amber and a few wild friends, one named Mendy who said, "My Mom spelled it right, she KNEW I'd like men", I went through a BRIEF wild streak and realized that alcohol was NOT for me. Between us girls, we had experiences like, "If you're gonna rip the buttons off of a man's shirt in the heat of passion, it's a GOOD IDEA to be sober... don't wanna ingest a button... there's NOTHING like 'searching for air' to make you lose a buzz fast." And another thing... "Who's that singing in the back seat? Go, Go, Godzilla!" Now tell me, "How was he?" WELL..."Oh My God, my LIPS are swollen!" "Which ones?" "ALL FOUR!" LOL! "Stop complaining, I'm jealous!" OK... Amber... "You're blonde and I'm blonde... there's a red hair on the pillowcase... which one of us f***ed Carrot Top last night?" Hands off... "you get your own blender of margaritas, this one is mine!" "OH... that was TOO MUCH... turn off that f***ing Christmas tree! The blinking is like an ice-pick in my forehead!" "What's that smell?" "You did WHAT???" "I threw a blanket on the tree because I couldn't find the plug to unplug it!" "How many times have we missed our exit on the turnpike? We have to pay to get off each time, we're gonna be broke by the time we get there... TOO MUCH Boone's farm!" "Guess what... you peed on the marquis at the club!" "I DID NOT!" "Did too" "Did not" "YEP... the proof's at a one hour photo lab now!" "OH MY GOD... I DID!" "I'm sorry officer, we had to go... BAD!" "Amber, where are your hands? OK... so if those are yours and these are mine, whose hand is on my breast?" "AWWWW... you poor things... travelling all smashed on that little tour bus... we work at a hotel, want a free room? :) "Hey, Angel and Amber, do you know who THAT was? "Yeah, some jerk named Joe... rude AND he's bad at darts" GIRLS... that was Joe Lynn Turner... "Yeah, well, SO... he still sucks at darts!"  Girls, why did you diss the drummer from Krokus too? "Oops sorry... didn't see him either" THAT'S ROBIN ZANDER? OOPS! OK... Asshole alert tonight, they're out in full force. "OK, you be 'Jade Greene' and I'll be 'Emerald Greene' tonight!" "No, you were Emerald last time" "OK, Ruby and Pearl???" LOL! SO... "You're Greg Allman's son... good for you... I'm gonna be sick, I need to go!"

Then there were the numerous professions of lust..."I want that f***ing drummer NOW!" "Good, because I want that f***ing bass player NOW... there will be no arguments!" :) AND, Angel and Amber ALWAYS got what we wanted and then decided if what we reeled in was worthy of our company! :) Well, there was one exception..."What? Resist the charm and beauty of Angel and Amber...you must be joking!" to which we consoled ourselves, "Surely, they MUST be gay!" LOL!  I had a whirlwind of back stages and bars and clubs and parties and have to say something for the guys... anyone who ever watched Tawny Kitaen on a Whitesnake video and drooled... you had reason to do so. She was one of those natural beauties, fresh faced and a real sweet lady too. I think she looked even better in person, something that I found to be rare when I was used to telling people, "Damn you look old in person!" LOL! 

One of my most memorable experiences back during that time was something that's close to my heart. I don't know if any of you remember Ray Gillan. He was in a band called ‘Badlands’ with Jake E. Lee. WELL, he and Jack Russell from Great White were carrying a couple of kids around backstage from the ‘Make A Wish Foundation’, or something similar. These kids' dying wishes were to meet a rock band and go to a show. Jack and Ray CARRIED these kids ALL OVER and never put them down. They held them during autographs, pictures, etc. and told fans if they didn't like it (the kids being in the pic) that they could leave. It was so sweet to see them carry these kids and see the light in the kids' eyes.

Having said a novel right there, you're thinking... get on with it... Ok, OK!!! Back to the Dr.Feelgood tour... I was no longer a virgin and no longer an "Angel" and had a new mission to pick up where I left off with Nikki, and leave Brandi with the leftovers. I wanted to give him a "thank you" he'd never forget for the role he played in my having strength to stand up to the Dr. and fight for what I believed in. My sis and I were in the driveway making banners to take to the show and had an idea to make one for the front of the tour bus or semi or whatever and decided to make it like a superman shield and write "Super Crüez" on it and haul it with us.

Here comes Daddy in the driveway home from work and here we're...what??? 19 and 22 and thinking, "OH GOD... Daddy's gonna kill us!" and decided it was too late to hide it because we were "busted." We waited for the lecture because we were practically geriatric age and still being treated like 4 year olds. BUT... to our SHOCK... Daddy says, "Can I help?" We thought the world was coming to an end! LOL!  So we tell Daddy we want to make "tire tracks" with black paint on each side of the shield and he says, "I have a great idea... here... I have this can of black spray paint... get down there close to my tire and spray it on the tire while I drive!" It was one of the funniest experiences of my life. It was a mess! The sheet wadded up in the tires, we had black paint all over the driveway and thought we'd be grounded for life and Daddy surprised us and said, "Let's try again" and we had squealing tires and smoke in the driveway and Mama runs outside and asks, "HAVE YOU LOST YOU MIND EDWARD?" To which Daddy says, "I lost it a long time ago... it's just a driveway, who cares... I'm gonna do it and do it right!" Amber and I were crying we were laughing so hard but by God, Daddy came through and got the job done!

We also made T-shirts for the special occasion with glitter paint, stencils and glow in the dark paint with "Mötley Crüe" on the front and "Warrant" on the back. We headed out on our road trip armed with a water gun that was a battery operated machine gun ready to wet the Crüe if we could get it in past security... a little harder to hide than a 35mm camera between your breasts! :)

I had no idea if the people who worked for Mötley Crüe were the same any more... same tour manager? Head of security? All I knew is that, "We are NOT sitting in these nose-bleed seats." I hate heights and the steep stairs made me dizzy. I told Amber we'd do the "dumb blonde trick."  A little trick prompted by Daddy saying, "Go ahead, let the world think you're a dumb blonde, they'll never know what hit them... you'll always have the upper hand when people don't expect anything from you!" I don't think Daddy had the idea in mind that we'd sneak up closer and closer and closer and plan to say if we go caught, "OH... Section A... I thought it was ROW A!"

WELL, our plan worked like a charm and we enjoyed the show WITHOUT vertigo from the balcony! :) I debated whether I should try to see Nikki at the show, at the venue, or wait until afterwards at the hotel. I wondered what I should say… do??? I thought about bringing white roses to the show and see if there was any truth to Nikki saying they were his favourites or if he was just talking trash. I thought about bringing another $2 bill ring like the one my Grannies made for him. I thought about...

Amber decided, "You think WAY TOO f***ing much... jeeze... chill out!" BUT, I had STILL never told her my whole saga with Nikki. I finally told her that I had "met him" and thought he was hot and that he was really cool etc. so she assumed that I just had a crush and wanted to follow through on it and she was backing me in my adventure.  Now, I have to say one thing about a Crüe show. Being the "thinker" and over-analyzer that I am... I always wondered if possibly the front row WASN'T the "best seat in the house." During ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ I had decided to test my theory and found that it was interesting to see a show from EVERY angle! Up front it's hard to get a good "visual" of all of the stage show/light show/pyro etc. It's REALLY cool to see all of that from the top in the cheap seats or a lawn seat at say... Pine Knob! (Detroit crowds ROCK) Then there's the given that there's nothing like being so close to the pyro that you don't need to wax your eyebrows! :)  Or your bikini line for that matter! ;)  LOL!

Now, we had brought enough clothes for a month and I had settled on going casual with our T-shirts we had made and jeans that were shredded with razor blades and frayed in bleach!  WOO HOO! Nothing like 80's and 90's "Holy Jeans" WELL... it's after the show and we're on our "mission" at the hotel and are clad in our ripped jeans and some guy says, "Hey, you have a hole in your jeans!" I was thinking, "No shit Sherlock... I have 1,000!" and he says, "NO... you have A HOOOOLE in your jeans!" I turned and looked at Amber and she was smirking and my whole left cheek of my jeans had ripped off... too much bleach! OOPS!  I looked at Amber and said "DID YOU KNOW MY ASS WAS HANGING OUT?" and she said,  "I figured you'd 'show your ass anyway!" I was so embarrassed. I did NOT feel comfortable like Prince in his "butt-out" jeans!  Amber just laughed at my expense.

We were walking along in this 5 star hotel with my ass hanging out of my jeans and a flock of chics ran past us in fishnet hose and come f*** me pumps and we KNEW who they were looking for! :) A security guard yells, "STOP!" and we froze! I thought I was gonna get arrested for indecent exposure showing my ass at a 5 star hotel. The guy laughed and said, "Not you... THEM!!!" and another security guard caught them at the corner and the guy by us was laughing at us for looking like deer in the headlights and said (as we're wearing our Crüe/Warrant shirts),  "You girls wouldn't HAPPEN to be looking for anyone in particular would you?" Amber snickers and says, "Do you want the truth or do you want us to lie to you?" The guy said he was pleased that there were still some honest people in the world (who us???) LOL! He told us that the Crüe had asked to NOT be disturbed for the evening because they were having a private party in the room, would NOT be coming back to the lounge BUT since we were so sweet... we should look for them in the morning before they check out. So we decided to turn in and get our 8 hours of beauty sleep... yeah right! We laughed and giggled about our own silly asses and my butt-out jeans!

The next morning the room looked like the backstage of a Miss USA pageant. Clothes and makeup and shoes were everywhere and I couldn't decide what to wear and was getting nervous about seeing Nikki and wondering what I should say... what would HE SAY? Would he remember me from my letter "as a fan" or did he remember me from 1987 and the GGG tour? I turned into my basket case self and changed over and over, "OK...going to the pool... gonna see him at the pool... gonna wear a bikini... No, No... too much skin... a skirt... sandals... no... leather, definitely leather, definitely leather." I sounded like f***ing "Rainman." I asked Amber to call housekeeping or the front desk and ask for a pair of scissors. She assumed I was gonna make a pair of Daisy Dukes from my jeans or cut a few more holes in another pair. She walked in the room with the scissors as I was trying to fix my hair and I said, "thanks" and grabbed them and CHOPPED my hair! Amber almost choked, "DUDE… MAN... what the f*** are you doing? You're wiggin’ out BAD!" I said, "It wouldn't lay down straight... now I don't have to worry about it! No bad hair day if it's GONE!" She knew then and there we were in for a crazy day!

SO... I decide in my altered state that I'd just wear a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, tennis shoes and put my hair in a ponytail or banana clip (remember those girls?) Amber KNEW I had gone off the deep end and said, "OH ANGEL... you want to wear something that will make his EYES POP OUT!!!"  I said, "NO, ANYONE can do that. I want him to remember ME... not my ass!"  She said, "DUDE, I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE YOU!"

I have to take the time to stop and thank my sis for loving me right now. This may sound strange but she loves me like a stained glass window under a microscope. Let me explain. Everyone can appreciate the beauty of a stained glass window from afar. But when people get close enough to see the flaws, imperfections and cracks (butt ones included) LOL! and they STILL see the beauty and love the image as a whole package, now THAT'S LOVE! To have someone love you enough to go ALONG with your dumb assed ideas JUST to be by your side so you won't make an ass of yourself ALONE... that's love! If you're lucky enough to have people like that in your life... brothers, sisters, friends, spouses... cherish them! I am lucky enough to have several... Amber, Marie, Anne, Edith (sorry I used your middle name, you can shoot me later)... you all know who you are. Thank you for loving me, flaws and all!

NOW... back to the hotel. Amber, loving me enough to humour me went along with me and we wore LONG jeans, t-shirts, tennis shoes etc. and it was a ZILLION degrees outside. We looked like IDIOTS... Eskimos in a heat wave! LOL! But she dressed just the same so I wouldn't be "stupid" by myself. I wondered if we should go to the pool first (in our Eskimo garb) or hang in the restaurant or the game room or weight room??? While in the atrium I stopped wondering when I saw Mick Mars walk across the balcony a few floors up above our heads.

I said, "LOOK, there's Mick... Nikki's gotta be around." I turned to see Amber lying on a bench holding her side laughing having a cigarette and I said, "WHAT?" She said, "OH... this is GOOD... I'm gonna hold this one over your head FOREVER!"  WELL... it was a simple case of mistaken identity. LOL! It WAS NIKKI! From a distance it looked like he had on a red shirt and LOOONG black hair. WELL... it was actually a shirt or jacket (I forget) with a black body and red sleeves and I thought the black body was LOOOONG black hair and it had to be Mick. I bet no one else has ever mistaken Nikki for Mick!

WELL... as Amber regains her composure I start to do a "Carl Lewis" to the elevator and Amber says, "CHILL OUT!!!  It's a GLASS elevator, if he sees you make a mad dash to it to meet him at the bottom he'll yell 'SECURITY' and you'll never get to him!"  SO... I listened to her and tried to act "human" LOL! and we went out to the pool to wait for Nikki to come out. Here we sit in the BLAZING heat in our long jeans and we see some freak take off his pants and hop in the pool in his fruit of the looms. Damn, and I thought WE were underdressed at a 5 star hotel! :)

We were laughing and Nikki walked out to the pool and I was soooo nervous! Amber and I watched as he covered his BODY in suntan oil and his tattoos in sunscreen and he was wearing these tiny little black shorts. Yes, he looks better in them than Richard Simmons! LOL! ;)  He rolled the waistband down and rolled the legs up and Amber said, "Are you f***ing NUTS? You turned THAT DOWN?" I was saying, "SSShhh, he'll hear you!" She said, "He can't hear us" and I said, "I bet he can" and then a waitress asked if he wanted anything and we heard his reply and I said, "Ummm, Amber... if WE can hear HIM... then HE can hear US!"

He got up and started walking towards us and I thought, "Oh, no, we did it now, he's gonna tell us to leave so he can catch some rays in PEACE!" He asked if he could join us and sat down at our table. Amber was looking at me like, "OK, make your move" and I said, "Great show last night"

(DUH!!!)  And he says something like, "cool, glad you liked it but we were having an off night and thought we sucked" and Amber was kicking me under the table and he said, "I'll come back before I leave to chat more" and walked away. He went back to his lawn chair and Amber started giving me HELL... "TELL HIM WHO YOU ARE!" I said, "Look, you don't understand, if I have to TELL him then it defeats the purpose. I want him to recognize ME!" She says, once again, "I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"

He came back and we talked about the nut in the fruit of the looms and I took out a pic of me from Dec. 1988 when I was sick and told him that I had looked like THAT (shit) and that "Home Sweet Home" helped me through it. STILL, no light bulb moment. I was ready to crawl under the table.  He said, "WOW, cool, yada yada yada" and signed an autograph that said, "Keep the faith, yours always, Nikki-Crüe" and I thought, "OK... I KNOW it's time to leave now... he just did the 'appease a fan' bit! UGH! I wanted to die.

Amber was kicking me and I decided to give him a $2 bill ring and see if he'd remember THAT since he didn't recognize ME and that didn't ring a bell either. He said it was one of the coolest things he ever got but made no reference to remembering the OTHER one and he put it on. He walked back to get his stuff and Amber said, "JUST TELL HIM WHO YOU F***ING ARE!!! IF YOU DON'T I WILL!!!!" I said, "NO... I want to go home" and wanted to cry but sucked it up and he came back and told us there would be another show in the area not on the schedule and to listen for it and come see them. Amber handed him a pic of me from 1987 and I KNEW I was ready to leave when she said, "That's what she NORMALLY looks like when she's not doing the domestic thing" referring to me looking like a dweeb with my nut-job haircut and jeans etc.

The picture was a cheerleading picture from the GGG tour time. I had given Nikki an exact one in 1987. WELL... he said, "WOW" when he looked at it but still didn't recognize me and I was ready to crawl home. I held my composure and watched him walk away looking at the picture. Amber said, "LOOK... he hasn't taken his eyes off of it... his wheels are turning... he's gonna remember and turn around. He looked at it all the way back into the hotel lobby but didn't turn back. I said, "OK, let's go home" and Amber said we should wait and see what happens but I was SO hurt I wanted to die.

Amber told me how she wasn't gonna let me give up so easily and we WERE gonna go to that show Nikki mentioned and so we did. Amber talked me into bringing a copy of my "Home Sweet Home" version I wrote in the hospital. I gave it to someone to give to Nikki. Next thing I know, someone taps me on the shoulder and says, "Are you Angel Aderhold?" I was like, "YESSS... who wants to know?" He said, "Nikki would like to see you after the show" and I said, "OK" and he motioned where he wanted us to sit so Nikki could see me.

Sharise and Brandi were there and standing on the edge of the stage and kept staring at us and flipped us a bird. I thought, "US? What did WE DO? They just gave us the finger!" I was thinking, "Why did they do that?" while Amber says, "Ooooo, Good... that's a GOOD SIGN!  She's jealous of you!" WELL, we found out that Sharise and Brandi had told security to NOT let us backstage so I waited to see the guy who told me Nikki wanted to see me. I saw him right after the show and he said, "Sorry, Nikki left. He and Brandi went STRAIGHT to the hotel when he came off stage!" and I thought, "OK… whatever THAT was... I can take a hint... I'm going home" and the guy told us, "You can see him at the hotel, they're staying at..." and Amber said, "Let's go." I said, "NO... he KNEW I was here, wanted to see me and changed his mind. I'm NOT gonna chase him."  Amber said, "BUT, you have NO idea what Brandi told him. She could have said anything to get him to leave... said you were claiming a paternity suit, said you already left after talking to her... any thing!!!" I said, "NO... I won't push... BUT... I DO want to know what he remembers... does he know me as 'a fan in need' from my letter? Does he remember 1987? Does he know that the letter from "a fan" was the SAME person??? I do want to find out ONE DAY but now's not the time!

The next thing I knew, Nikki and Brandi are married and OTHERS may pursue married men but the way I was raised... having a girlfriend is one thing but having a WIFE!!!! You just DON'T GO THERE! Married men are simply "OFF LIMITS." No excuses where I come from. SO... I decided to let it go but wanted to thank Nikki ONE DAY for the role he played in my life and me NOT having a hysterectomy. But I thought... "the time will come."

Next month, the final instalment... Chapter 9 -  Nikki Changes my life AGAIN!
Until then, remember...buttons are NOT digestible!

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