Chronological Crue is proud to share these emotion stirring memoirs with Crüeheads every month, of an extraordinary relationship that grew between a special young fan and the Crüe's engine room, Nikki Sixx. Come on the journey with us, as every month we chronologically re-visit the meeting and treating, the tears and the fears, the inspiration and dedication, of this unique perspective on life, Crüe and fate. These chapters are written and contributed under her preferred alias of Angel Aderhold.

Chapter 7 - Second Chances & New Beginnings! - January 2001.

It was December of 1987 and word had gotten around my hometown that Miss Goody-Goody Angel had been ARRESTED backstage with Nikki Sixx! You know how things go... one person tells someone else a story and they tell another and another, and each time bits of truth are warped and stretched until the story ends up... "WHAT??? I wasn't arrested!!! And neither was Nikki! My, how people can twist things!" But, in the end, people KNEW that I had been backstage and my parents knew so I was relieved that I didn't have to try to lie and cover up going to concerts etc.

No one knew the WHOLE story... I didn't even tell about the "Paul Harvey" to my closest friends. I felt like I HAD to keep my secret until I was 18 so no one would try to stop me from going to L.A.

Now, the end of the year was drawing near and everyone was in the holiday spirit of Christmas and New Year's etc. and I was in a daze... worried about Nikki. As I said before, I bought a ticket to go see him and never left.

My friend Zhuda (pronounced Judie) knew that I thought Nikki was hot, etc. and tried to lift my spirits by telling me we needed to go see Def Leppard in concert and that Joe Elliott was pretty hot and that would be just the thing to lift my spirits.

I knew it wouldn't stop me from thinking about Nikki but thought, "Why not... I might as well" and told my parents we were going to see Def Leppard, to which my Daddy responded, "Over MY dead body. We will NOT have another fiasco like that Crüe concert... and by the way, where in the hell did you get those clothes you were wearing that night?"

So... I was having the blues and Zhuda and I went to see my Grannies (and you already know how cool they are). They said, "Oh, go buy those Led Zeppelin tickets and we'll cover for you!" I said, "It's DEF LEPPARD, not Led Zeppelin!" and Granny says, "Whatever, same difference!" LOL! We bought our tickets and went to see Def Leppard with the alibi of my Grannies. The show was good. Joe Elliott WAS cute BUT... it just wasn't the Crüe and it just WASN'T NIKKI!

Zhuda talked me into a double date for New Year's Eve and I remember wearing an evening gown to the dance and thinking, "GOD... I wish I was on the Sunset Strip clad in leather and lace instead!" 

January of 1988 - I hadn't heard from Nikki. No phone call, no letter, and I was wondering if I should call him or write him. I decided that if HE wanted to contact me, he could and I wasn't gonna chase him... not until JULY anyway when I went to college in L.A.

In January, I was living the life of a high school senior but at the same time, still needing my ‘fix’ and couldn't get to Nikki, so I resorted to the next best thing. I became the concert queen and went to see virtually every band on the planet in concert.

I knew how security and backstage worked etc. and got backstage 90% of the time. I met band after band and kept thinking that I wanted to see someone else like Nikki, who couldn't be judged by their exterior. I found I was highly disappointed.

I met a lot of assholes along the way. The two biggest ones I ever met were Paul Stanley and David Lee Roth. Paul walked into a room and bluntly said, "Who wants to give me head?" UGH! It was time for me to leave! David Lee Roth was walking around with his head of security like a judge at a county fair saying, "She can stay, she can leave, she can stay..." and I left because I didn't have any interest in meeting him after that. My friend said, "BUT... he said we could stay!" I said, "Do what you want but I'm leaving!"

NOW, back in 1988 I had someone close to me die in a hit and run accident in January. February was a high school Valentine's dance and it depressed me so much. I was going through the motions of being an ordinary teenager, but just wasn't into it. I was burning the candle at both ends with all of my clubs and after school activities, cheerleading, etc. Still... anything to fill the empty space.

Prom came around and I went and put on a happy face, but my head was somewhere else. I got my final paperwork for UCLA and was thrilled. I couldn't wait to get there. I was counting the months down and became more and more exhausted. I just felt really fatigued and burnt out. I started sleeping 8 hours a night, which is normal for most, but I usually slept 5. Then I started sleeping 9 and 10 hours and STILL felt exhausted.

My parents were worried about me and took me to a Dr. for blood tests.  They checked for mononucleosis and anaemia because of my prior history of endometriosis. The doctors couldn't find anything and asked if I was stressed or depressed and I thought, "AM I? I don't FEEL depressed... I just DON'T want to be in this state... I want to be in California! But am I depressed? I don't THINK so."

By the time I graduated from high school, I was getting weaker and sleeping 12 hours and still barely able to function. My parents told me that I could FORGET about even going to California for a vacation because they weren't letting me go ANYWHERE. They told me that they didn't even want me going to the state university 45 miles away because I had to stay home so they could find out what was wrong with me, and that I was going to the local community college! OH JOY!

My 18th Birthday came and went and I started college at the local community college. That Fall, my Great Granny died at 99 and 1/2 and before she passed, she was quick to point out that 1/2 of a year because she ALMOST made it to 100!

I started getting worse and worse... sleeping in a sweat suit, waking up, brushing my teeth and going to college in the sweats I slept in. I started having pain in my stomach and was tested for everything under the sun. I was tested for ulcers, gastro problems, had glucose tolerance tests to check my blood sugar, upper GI's, lower GI's, ultrasounds, blood test after blood test, pelvic exams and pap smears and no one found ANYTHING!

I was starting to think I was crazy and that it was all in my head. Then the pain got worse and worse and I made trip after trip to the hospital’s ER in the middle of the night, curled up in a foetal position until finally one night, my Mom took me to the ER, AGAIN, and a resident felt the outside of my stomach and asked my mom of she had the HOME phone number of my gynaecologist. My Mom's face went white.

More tests and ultrasounds were ordered and my mom called the Dr. and he told us to be at his office (an hour away) when his doors opened in the morning. The resident at the ER told my Mom that I had a huge mass on my right side and needed surgery ASAP. I heard the word "MASS" and in the back of my head thought, "You don't mean... nah... it can't be... I'm only 18!" and I pushed the thought from my head.

The next morning my parents had me at the hospital an hour away when the Dr. arrived at his office. I remember lying on the floor in the hallway with my head in my Daddy's lap feeling like I was gonna die! 

Then came the word... the word no one wanted to hear... it was cancer and I needed a hysterectomy. I thought, "NO... I CAN'T have cancer... I'm only 18... I want a second opinion, and a third, and a fourth, and..."  When all was said and done and all of the second opinions confirmed the worst, I KNEW that I wanted MY doctor to do the surgery because I had known him for years and trusted him, and he was one of the top doctors in the nation in infertility and oncology.

Time was a blur to me. I was under the care of a doctor who TOLD the college what I was going through and by this time it was December and final exams were approaching and I was told I HAD to take all of them or I'd get a "0" and have to repeat the courses. I had every emotion imaginable at this time.

Cancer??? I was in shock, disbelief and then horror. I went through denial, anger, "Why me?" and despair. In my vanity I thought about chemo and radiation and losing my hair. I thought, "NO GOD... NOT ME... I don't want to die" one minute, and the next I'd think, "OK, God, if you're gonna take me then PLEASE HURRY UP... I don't want my family to see me suffer and waste away... just take me NOW!" Talk about a humbling experience... my Mom and Granny had to bathe me!

I had such an overflow of emotion and all of a sudden thought, "I NEED to talk to Nikki... I HAVE to talk to him... he gives me a sense of calm... I just want to hear his voice and I want to FIGHT and beat this thing!" I thought about Nikki and wondered if he even remembered me. Did he know who I was? Did he hate me now? Or did he not give me a second thought? What will I say to him? Should I call him? Write him? Is his phone number still the same? Is his address the same? What should I do?

Well, remember that I was emotional and I all of a sudden thought... "I know... I'll send ONE letter to HIS address with my real name on it and see if the mail returns it, or if he gets it, and I'll send ANOTHER letter to the fan club or record label address with an alias on it in case he doesn't want to talk to "ANGEL"...  maybe he'll talk to "a fan in need."

So I wrote both of my letters and said how I was gonna have surgery and I planned on listening to "Home Sweet Home" on my headsets while the anaesthesiologist put me under and that NIKKI'S song would get me through. Well a few days later, the phone rang and I answered, "Hello?" and heard a "Hello" on the other end, and I said "NIKKI???!!!" and he said, "Yes, how are you?" In the back of my mind I was wondering, "OK, HOW did he get the phone number? From the letter with my REAL name? From the letter with the alias? I was so scared and had such a fear of rejection that I didn't want to ask him if he knew who I was. So I just talked and let Nikki talk and he never called me ‘by name’ so I'd know WHICH letter he was responding to, but I was scared to know.

Nikki asked, "Are you ready to die?" and I said, "Of course not!" and he said, "Then choose to live!" and I said,  "you make it sound so simple" and he said, "It IS, really... you can choose to live or you can choose to die... some of us choose to kill ourselves slowly."

He said, "You want kids one day, right?" and I said, "Yes" and he said, "Never compromise your dreams for ANYONE!" Our entire conversation lasted no more than two minutes but I got off of the phone with a new lease on life.

I told my parents that I was NOT going to have a hysterectomy and that I was going to have kids - biological kids... one day! They went nuts! They wanted grandkids too but told me that what they REALLY wanted was their DAUGHTER!

WELL, the day of surgery came and as I planned, I was listening to "Home Sweet Home" on my headsets and was waiting to see the surgeon. The anaesthesiologist was preparing to put me under first and I yelled for him to get the Dr. first. The Dr. came in and I told him NOT to do a hysterectomy and he said, "But I HAVE to" and I said, "If you take my ovaries, I'll take your testicles" and he said, "But, you NEED a hysterectomy to survive. It's growing so fast and..." and I said, "I'm 18 and can now LEGALLY refuse treatment without my parents consent! Just get the mass out and we'll go from there!" He patted my wrist and said "OK."

The anaesthesiologist was about to put me under again and I said, "WAIT... give me something to write on and get me a pen... I have to write this before you put me under" and I frantically wrote for less than 5 minutes and the anaesthesiologist took my paper and folded it up and put it in my fuzzy little hospital slipper sock/bootie. What I wrote was MY version of "Home Sweet Home" and it was...

Yes I'm a believer, but my heart's of stone.
I'm running for my life, dragging this pain's a heavy load.
Just when things were right, suddenly my dreams were blown.  
Just share my pain and I'll never feel lost and alone.
I feel it in my heart, itching in my bones...
Just one more knife and I'm coming off this torn and battered road.
I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Home sweet home... today's the day
I'm on my way, I'm on my way,
Home sweet home!

You know that I've seen too many blue doctors' scrubs
In the lights falling off into slumber world
My heart's like a punctured wound, all the world can see it bleed
Sometimes only faith keeps me together, death can't be
But I'm on my way, I'm on my way
Home sweet home
I'm on my way, pain's setting free
HOME SWEET HOME!

When I woke up in recovery, I asked the nurse, "Did he do a hysterectomy? Do I still have my organs?" and she said, "NO and yes... no hysterectomy, yes - you have your organs!" She thought I was nuts because I was so happy and she asked if I WANTED morphine and I said, "NO, I feel fine... the pain is GONE... I feel better right now that I did before surgery!" She thought I must be still a little whacked on my anaesthesia! LOL!

I laid there thinking about how my Great Granny had told me that “Things happen for a reason" and that "people come into our lives for a reason" and I realized that this was it... this is why I met Nikki! I borrowed faith and courage from him when I had none of my own!

I couldn't wait to see Nikki again, whether he hated me, remembered me, forgot me, none of it mattered any more. I had a drive and determination and a will to survive and KNEW that everything would be fine. I couldn't wait to talk to Nikki and thank him for the role he played in all of it. I had been so sick that I lost down to 88 pounds, and unless you're Kate Moss or Calista Flockhart or Lara Flynn Boyle, then 88 pounds is NOT attractive. I felt like a raisin and wanted to gain weight and get back to normal! Ever heard a woman say that? That she WANTED to gain weight? LOL!

Next month, Chapter 8 - "Hi Nikki, I'm NOT an Angel anymore!" 
Until then, keep the faith,

Previous: Chapter 6