Quotes

These are quotes that I kind of find funny, or I actually make up. And some jokes as well.
I'll try and populate this section as much as I can, within the limits of copyright. Best I can do at this stage...

...more coming! watch this space.

A joke I made up:

Bill Collins (me) - 2017

Q. Which blood vessels make our skin crawl?

A. Caterpillaries.


On The Hyphenated Names:

Bill Collins (me) - 2012

"When Jenny Cox married John Hucker, family and friends breathed a collective sigh of relief when she decided NOT to hyphenate her name."

(adapted from a very clever riposte by the amazing mind of John Malcolm - thanks JM)

On The Justice:

Bill Collins (me) - 2012

"The not-so-meek will hopefully inherit Uranus."


On Poetry:

Bill Collins (me) - 2007

"Until recently, I always thought that an Iambic Pentameter was a small 5-sided machine for measuring poems."


On the Internet:

Bill Collins (me) - 2007

"Internet porn: turning flesh into bone."


On hand-made goods:

Bill Collins (me) - 2007

"She makes all her own clothes, you know?"

"Yes, sew it seams."


On a taste for eastern goods:

Bill Collins (me) - 2007

"Did you hear about the Beijing diplomat whose young son was kidnapped and taken to the US?

In the press it was known as 'Chinese tyke-away'."


On impecuniousness:

Bill Collins (me) - 2007

"Did you hear about the prostitute who, due to an anatomical anomaly, could only perform hand jobs and blow jobs? She was apparently struggling financially.

It was a hand-to-mouth existence."


On being a grown-up:

Bill Collins (me) - 2003

"I'm not an adult - I'm a mature-age child."


On Love at first sight:

Part of the song Maybe someday
from the album "Knocked out loaded", Bob Dylan, 1986

"Maybe someday, you'll know that it's true
There was no greater love than what I had for you."


How loving men are treated:

Me, in a love sonnet I wrote - 2002

"If all the world was made to judge
True love, and the degrees of such,
This world should punish men who love
Too little, not too much."


Louise, on life in general:

Louise Mitchell (my dear friend) - 2001

"Change only what you want to change - and nothing more.
Be only who you wish to be - and nothing less."


On what people think of me:

Bill Collins (me) - 2000

"People sometimes call me 'feckless'.

...Well yes, I admit it - sometimes I simply haven't got a feck."


On Family History:

From "A Warning to Wantons", by Mary Mitchell, 1934
Chapter one, page 4:

"If hereditarily, the civilisation of Count Anton was of comparatively recent growth, no one could bring such an accusation against that of Renee de la Valliere. At the same time the historian who rashly undertook to provide her with her family tree would soon have found himself beset with difficulties, owing to the scandalous tangles among some of its roots. In eighteenth century in particular the confusion was so great that the possible applicants for the honour of being her ancestor belonged to every country of Europe, and ranged through every rank of society from princes of the blood downwards. In despair the historian would probably have been driven to content himself with a few broad generalities, and might indeed have abandoned his work possessed of but two facts: (1) that with a few exceptions her forebears had been the children of courts, and (2) that, with even fewer exceptions, none of the them would have been received in the house of an Anglican bishop. They had been gay, witty, polished, brave, charming, false, cowardly, cruel, or selfish, but never, except by chance, respectable."


On Happiness:

From "The Book of Happiness", edited by Margherita Osborne, 1928
Page 13:

"Come come," said Tom's father, "At your time of life,
There's no longer the excuse for thus playing the rake.
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father - whose wife shall I take?"

-Thomas Moore


On My Family History:

From the "River of Gold", by Hector Holthouse 1967
Page 69 - "Hell's Gate":

"A killing that the diggers took far less calmly, and which stirred the conflict to new heights of savagery, was the ambushing, murder, and eating of the Macquarie brothers on the tableland just above Hell's Gate towards the end of the year. Hughey Macquarie and his younger brother Don had given up shearing in the hope of making enough by packing on the Palmer to buy themselves a farm in Tasmania..."


On Australian Boy Scout responsibilities in 1941:

From the "Australian Boy Scout Diary", 1941
Page 64 - "Approaching Burning Bomb":

"When approaching a burning bomb, the three following points must be remembered:-
(a) Unless it is in an open place the fire should be approached on the hands and knees, or in a stooping position, to avoid the smoke and fumes.
(b) The glare may damage the eyes, therefore dark glasses should be worn.
(c) Terrific heat is generated, so the body should be protected by a shield (preferably asbestos) approx. two feet six inches square."

This makes me really think about the world, and how it has changed. What about you?

On The Great Detective:

From "Nonsense Novels", by Stephen Leacock 1942
Maddened by Mystery: or, The Defective Detective:

"The Great Detective sat in his office. He wore a long green gown and half a dozen secret badges pinned to the outside of it.
Three or four pairs of false whiskers hung on the whisker-stand beside him.
Goggles, blue spectacles and motor glasses lay within easy reach.
He could completely disguise himself at a second's notice.
Half a bucket of cocaine and a dipper stood on a chair at his elbow."


On AURISA conferences:

me, in a (thankfully verbal) report to management upon my return from
the AURISA conference, Melbourne, 1995:

"AURISA conferences are week-long Bacchanalian snog-fests, where people who are chosen to attend, and are given a travelling allowance amounting to what others perceive to be a King's Ransom, are treated to a luxurious holiday at some exotic resort.

"If by chance they happen to wake up lacking the ballistic hangover that they so obviously deserve, they spend their days sunning themselves by the pool until it is time for the endless round of cocktail parties, where they chat up all the nice-looking delegates and waitresses, and generally have a jolly good time.

"This is unfortunately the perception of many people, and it is, unfortunately, a myth."


On home handymen:

Jerome K. Jerome, in his book
Three men in a boat, 1889:

"...and, about midnight, the picture would be up - very crooked and insecure, the wall for yards around looking as if it had been smoothed down with a rake, and everybody dead beat and wretched - except Uncle Podger.
'There you are,' he would say, stepping heavily off the chair on to the charwoman's corns, and surveying the mess he had made with evident pride. 'Why, some people would have had a man in to do a little thing like that!'"


Driving Rules and Sundry Suggestions

From "ROAD WISDOM", by Vacuum Oil Company, c.1928
With Hints on the Care of Your Car:

Don't forget your driving licence.
     *      *      *      *      *
Never argue with a traffic officer.
     *      *      *      *      *
Horn or other sound signal must not be used except as a warning signal.
     *      *      *      *      *


On observing others on a train:

From "Short Circuits", by Stephen Leacock 1928
Inference as an art: how even the amateur may forge a chain of logic:

"Yet bit by bit I made progress. I observed that the lady presently took out a newspaper, and holding it right side up, remained for some time with her eyes fixed upon it. I inferred from this that she could read and write."


On the Press:

A friend (who would rather remain anonymous) once said:

"The people in the Press haven't got a clue. They are what they call clueless."


On Mum:

David Martin, in his book
Fox on my Door - A journey through my life:

"Yes, the company is first rate: Mary, the doctor's wife, a darling lady who had the loveliest giggle east of the Hume Highway"


On mathematics:

From "Chambers's Seven-Figure Mathematical Tables",
edited by James Pryde (F.E.I.S.) 1946 - Page 41:

No.

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Diff

2750

439 3327

3485

3643

3801

3959

4116

4274

4432

4590

4748

51

4906

5064

5222

5379

5537

5695

5853

6011

6169

6326

158

52

6484

6642

6800

6958

7115

7273

7431

7589

7747

7904

1 16

53

8062

8220

8378

8535

8693

8851

9009

9166

9324

9482

2 32

54

9639

9797

9955

0112

0270

0428

0585

0743

0901

1058

3 47

55

440 1216

1374

1531

1689

1847

2004

2162

2319

2477

2635

4 63


On early Canberra:

from:

THE PARLIAMENT OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF AUSTRALIA
CANBERRA NATIONAL MEMORIALS COMMITTEE
REPORT
in regard to
NAMING OF CANBERRA'S STREETS AND SUBURBS.
14th December 1927

"In the centre of the City is an eminence dominating the surrounding landscape which is known as 'Capitol Hill'. This is the site which has been reserved for the erection, some day, of a monumental building, probably for housing national archives or perhaps as a temple to honour great Australians or to commemorate Australian achievements, and it may mean to the Australian nation what the Pantheon in Paris is to the French Nation."


On the English Channel:

From "Nonsense Novels", by Stephen Leacock 1942
Soaked in Seaweed: or, Upset in the Ocean (An Old-fashioned Sea Story):

"I know no finer sight, for those who have not seen it, than the English Channel. It is the highway of the world. Ships of all nations are passing up and down, Dutch, Scotch, Venezuelan, and even American.

"Chinese junks rush to and fro. Warships, motor yachts, icebergs, and lumber rafts are everywhere. If I add to this fact that so thick a fog hangs over it that it is entirely hidden from sight, my readers can form some idea of the majesty of the scene."


current (and probably all-time) favourite song:

is a W. B. Yeats poem The Stolen Child:

(Released as a song on The Waterboys 1988 album "Fisherman's Blues")

For he comes, the human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
From a world more full of weeping than he can understand.


On sex:

Dr. Jane Macquarie, in her book
Below the Belt - an owner's guide to Gynaecology:

As a new doctor I remember asking a woman if she was 'sexually active'. She replied 'No, I just lie there.'


On life in general:

anon (so far as I can ascertain):

To err is human.
To really screw things up requires a computer.
To fuck things up beyond belief and beyond all hope of redemption requires Parliament.


On Canberra:

In around 1920, a writer in the London Punch stated:

"Londoners may be all too aware of the disadvantages of living in a city without a plan, but these cannot be compared with the rival disadvantages of living in a plan without a city."