Mary Sue Goes to Hogwarts

by Bernice

art by Brevisse

"Mary Sue Bernice has locked herself in the potions rooms, released all of my live ingredients, and refuses to come out until the wizarding community introduces 'Animal Cruelty' protection laws!" Snape screamed at Dumbledore, spittle flying.

"Who? Do you mean that rather zoftig Hufflepuff girl with the bright orange hair?"

"Yes, that's the one. If by zoftig, you mean enormously fat."

"Ah yes... rather outspoken girl. Wears an awful lot of perfume."

"Reeks like a French brothel."

"You know what a French brothel smells like, do you, Severus?"

"Yes, I mean, no, I mean, get her out of there! That's my classroom!"

"You've never had any trouble intimidating... I mean, motivating students before. Have you deducted points?"

"She said I could, and I quote, 'shove my points up my narrow, greasy arse, as points have no intrinsic value'!"

"No intrinsic value?" Dumbledore's eyebrows shot up.

"She said points are not cake, and if they're not cake, they 'don't count for squat'."

"Oh dear. Have you tried detention?"

"I gave her detention until the end of the year and she said she would spend the rest of her life as a 'political prisoner' in detention if it meant saving the life of innocent hinkypunks."

"How very peculiar. I don't think we've ever had an animal rights protestor at Hogwarts before. I dare say this will shake things up a bit."

"Shake things up? I am unable to hold any of my classes! Plus she's got Hagrid on her side."

"Hagrid? Hagrid's involved with this?"

"He said he was going to lead a parade - equal rights for non-sentient magical creatures."

"Oh, marvellous!"

"Marvellous? What do you mean marvellous, you insane old coot!"

"I love a parade! Perhaps we can have streamers! And confetti! And food on sticks! And fairy floss - made from real fairies! Oh, I'm going to go start on my float now!"

Snape grabbed his head as if trying to physically hold off a migraine, "Oh, great Merlin, save me..."

"Costumes! Severus! I shall wear something pink, with sequins, but I see you in black leather. Oh, fabulous. Remind me to give that girl some extra house points for the brilliant idea. Or maybe some cake."