This is based on the Baz Luhrman song ‘Sunscreen’, but more inspired by the Darth Vader version that was doing the rounds of the net for a while.

Kissing Mulder


  • Ladies and Gentlemen of the Double Agent Training Course of ’99 - Kiss Mulder.

  • If I could offer you only one tip for the future, kissing Mulder would be it. The long-term benefits of kissing Mulder have been proved by my survival despite continued double dealings, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own betrayals and murders. I will dispense this advice now…

  • Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and beauty of your planet until after the aliens have destroyed it. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can’t grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before you were enslaved. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.

  • Don’t worry about the invasion – or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make sense of a Chris Carter mytharc episode. The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that grab you while you sleep in a Russian forest. The kind that cut your arms off at 4am on some idle Tuesday.

  • Do one thing every day that scares someone else.

  • Scheme.

  • Don’t disobey the Consortium’s orders; don’t put up with people who disobey yours.

  • Torture.

  • Don’t waste your time on Marita. She’s only going to fall apart the first time an alien possesses her.

  • The battle is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself. And that delicious Mulder.

  • Remember the protection of Well Manicured Man; ignore the whinings of that clueless upstart Spender. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

  • Keep your old leather jacket, but change your hairstyle with every season.

  • Pout.

  • Don’t feel guilty if you have no misgivings about killing your lover’s best friend’s sister. The most interesting people I know didn’t have any respect at 22 for the cigarette smoking man. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

  • Have plenty of really tight jeans.

  • Be kind to your left arm, you’ll miss that when it’s gone.

  • Maybe you’ll get laid, maybe you won’t. Maybe Cardinal will kill you, maybe he won’t. Maybe you’ll convince Dmitri to tell you what he knows and help you blackmail the Consortium, or maybe he’ll be kidnapped by that damned Marita and get burned up on a bridge somewhere. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are made by your inner oilien. So are everybody else’s.

  • Enjoy your cuteness. Exploit it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or what other people think of your incredible sex appeal. The ability to seduce an enemy or confuse Mulder is insignificant compared to your self-respect.

  • Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a tram driver.

  • Listen to what Cigarette Smoking Man said, even if you don’t follow his orders.

  • Do not give your gun away, it will only make you feel helpless. Except to Mulder.

  • Get to know Mulder’s parents. You’ll never know when they’ll turn out to be your arch enemies. Be wary of partners. They are your best link to cigarette smoking man and may be the ones most likely to try and blow you up in the future.

  • Understand that Skinner comes and goes. But on a few precious occasions you should keep from killing him with nanobots. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send alien bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.

  • Live in Washington once, but leave before you get soft. Live in Russia once, but leave before you get chopped to pieces. Travel. Preferably in a Russian submarine or a UFO.

  • Accept certain inalienable truths: aliens will invade, the Consortium will be immolated, you too will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasise that when you were young, aliens were easily dismissed, the Consortium was inflammable, and the alien half-breeds respected CSM.

  • Respect CSM. Don’t expect his son to rule the world with you. Maybe he’ll join his father, maybe he’ll be shot down, but you’ll never know when he’ll back up Mulder and you’ll find yourself feeling sorry for the ferret and not killing him like you really wanted.

  • Don’t help them kidnap Scully, or she will become more important to Mulder than you could possibly imagine.

  • Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I’ll poison your water. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black leather over the maimed parts and redeeming it for more than it’s worth.

  • But trust me on kissing Mulder.

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