Snippets, Drabbles, Cartoons

These things all came out of my Live Journal, not enough here to make a full story out of them.  Also some of my awful cartoons.  Prepare to groan.  For other groaners, see my Live Journal, as many more terrible cartoons lurk therein.


Drabble Night Challenge: Snape/Remus – it's not easy being green. 100 words

'Help!' Remus tried to scream, but just said "Ribbit."

He gazed up from where he'd laboriously hauled himself to Snape's workbench.

"What are you doing here?" Snape said, poking at Lupin with his finger.

'Someone turned me into a frog! Help! You're the only one who'd recognise me with Albus away! You'll see through this and help me?' Lupin tried, but only said "Ribbit".

"I've wanted another familiar ever since James Potter poisoned my rabbit," Snape picked up Lupin and slid him into his pocket.

'No… you must recognise me', ribbited Lupin in despair.

"I think I'll call you… Wolfie…"

La Canard illustrated this little drabble beautifully.  Click here...


His Father Had Said

From a line in a drabble by [info]sylvadin here

"Friends are for the weak," his father had said as he'd explained why Snape had to sit at the table and be silent as the other children played noisily in the next room.

"Vermin" his father had said of a litter of kittens, and gripped his hands to forced him to drown them.

"Muggles are also vermin," his father had said as he'd cursed the muggle boy Snape had found near their house and spent a day chasing and laughing and being chased, "and muggles will drag you down with them until you're nothing but vermin yourself."

"You're weak! If you were strong they wouldn't call you Snivellus," his father had said, as he knocked Snape down again. Learning to fight, with wands or fists, usually ended up with blood and darkness.

"You know what this is for!" his father had said as he used the whip and used it liberally, but Snape thought it was only for his father's fun.

"You'll thank me for this, one day," his father had said, as he'd used crucio one drunken night to improve Snape's skills with transfigurations.

"I'll make you strong or I'll kill you," his father had said, and Snape believed him.

"But father, that would be a weakness," Snape had said with a smile as his father begged him for the potion that would save his life.

True Love 's Kiss - written for the Snape100 'Fairy Tale' challenge

“It’s a terrible curse,” mused Dumbledore. “It’s a terribly old curse, too. Professor Snape won’t awake until he receives true love’s kiss.”

“You’re kidding?” said Harry, backing away in case Dumbledore tried matchmaking. “That kind of thing really exists? I thought that was just a fairy tale.”

“Nope,” said Sirius, and sniggered, “Snape’s really screwed now! Who on earth would ever love him?”

Lupin merely approached the bed, and leaned over the prone form, gently caressing Snape’s lips with his own.

Then sleeping Snape woke up, hexed Lupin with the pox, and filed a sexual harassment suit with the Ministry.



Title: Treachery
Challenge: #44 on Snape100, Snape has an unusual hobby.

Snape took Lupin in his arms, kissing him passionately, running his hand down Lupin’s back and clasping his round, firm buttocks. Lupin laughed, clasping his hands, and rocked back and forth happily as the kiss ended, obviously passionately in love.

Sirius, walled up in the castle behind them, screamed as he starved to death, and Snape laughed to himself, knowing that he’d stolen Black’s lover, as well as his miserable life.

Then suddenly Snape's cauldron caught fire and the whole castle burnt down while he was running around waving his arms and screaming incoherently.

He angrily quit Sims without saving.


Drabble: Keeping up with the big boys
Character: Peter Pettigrew
Words: 100

The other boys had laughed at his failure and called him 'baby', but just like every other time they'd openly mocked him, he’d catch them up and show them he was just as ‘cool’ as they were.

He watched the muggle – someone unknown, uninteresting, and unimportant, someone who wouldn't matter one whit to anyone of breeding – walk closer past his alleyway hiding place. He felt like he was on the verge of a whole new life and trembled with excitement as he stepped out and slid his dagger into her back.

Next time, Peter Pettigrew would see the thestrals, too.


Snape offered a cake to Sirius. He clutched a lemon tart and a cherry tart, one in each hand, without plates, and stood over Sirius offering them aggressively. "Choose!"

Sirius looked at him nervously, then his eyes flickered to Lupin who shrugged in confusion, and Dumbledore who ignored him. "I'm not... I'm not sure, Severus..."

"It's just a damned cake, Black, choose. Lemon or cherry. Take a bloody cake!" Snape said, looking furious.

Black took the Lemon tart, "Thank you... Severus, I think." He peered at it, wondering if it was poisoned, although it certainly smelled fresh and delicious.

Snape thrust the cherry tart into Lupin's hands with enough force to cause it to crumble, sending crumbs and cherries down Lupin's robes, before he stalked out of the room and back into the kitchen.

Dumbledore took a bite of his eclair and looked over at his confused guests. "He's a very good cook, our Severus. He's just somewhat aggressively generous. Just enjoy the cake, and don't worry too much about their... presentation." He chewed for a while, then said, "Oh, and if you compliment his cooking, he will probably insult you, maybe even throw a spoon at you." He winked at them and said, "Do it anyway."



Title: Playing to his strengths
Characters: Snape & Neville
Drabble: 100 words

Snape stalked through the remains of the castle, kicking body bits out of his way. This had been his brilliant idea. Tell Longbottom of a potion that will destroy their enemy, then leave the boy to do what he does best.

He smirked at the extensive damage. Longbottom had taken out not only the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, but everyone who had ever personally bothered Snape. Still, he felt it necessary to regain semblance of normalcy and scolded the stunned and scorched young man:

"Duck is what you yell before you throw the potion, Longbottom, NOT an ingredient!"



My answer to the "I don't want to die a virgin" challenge.

"Professor Snape... Despite our history of loathing, please, will you make love with me? We are going to die at dawn, and I don't want to die a virgin."

"I do."

"What... I mean, I beg your pardon?"

"I said, I do. Virgins get into heaven automatically. It's my only chance not to burn and I'm going to take it. So you can just keep it in your  pants."

"Well. Damn it."


Title: A Perfect Moment

A perfect moment in an imperfect life. A time when Snape was content. A time when Snape was right. A time when Snape was powerful. A time when Snape was respected. A time when his enemy was hated by everyone he knew.

Now his enemy walks free - loved by those who matter. But Snape still has this perfect moment. He has his enemy trapped forever, screaming in a soul pain worse than crucio. A torture that continues for as long as Snape desires.

He takes the photograph of Sirius being tormented by the dementors and licks his enemy's screaming face.


Title: Performing Arts

The young men performed enthusiastically for his delectation. Any sexual act he desired, they'd do. He had only to snap his fingers and Harry Potter would masturbate, shameless, cheeks pink, eyes glittering as he thoroughly pleasured himself.

A flick of Snape's wrist and young Weasley took a wriggling dildo, carved from mandrake, and buggered himself even more senseless than usual. When Snape desired, they kissed and stroked each other, fucking until he came just from watching them. They were perfect pets.

Of course, when they had taken these photos, Weasley and Potter hadn't thought they'd fall into the wrong hands.


Title: If I Had It To Do Over
Pairing/Character: Snape

So much trouble to get a time turner, even for a 'trusted' teacher. So much effort and crawling and obsequience and pained complaints that it's simply impossible to do everything that's expected; spy, teach, hurt, scheme, lie, create, destroy.

So much inovation to find a way to spin it just so, to give years instead of hours, to go flying back through time, to be a boy again, a young man.

So much satisfaction to yank his young self out of the path of the werewolf and hit young James with 'Stupify' instead.


"How the Death Eaters Got Their Name"
Characters: Snape

The Death Eaters chanted all around them, their voices a throbbing wall of sound as they urged him to complete the initiation ceremony.

"But this is why we are called Death Eaters, Severus," Voldemort's voice was menacingly soft, yet amused at Snape's horror. "Why do you think we congregate in graveyards so frequently?"

Snape stared at the muggle corpse, laid out like a feast before him, the stench overwhelming with flies buzzing around in a drunken dance, their swarming pulsing in time to the chanting.

The Death Eaters pushed closer, their voices louder in their excitement.

"Mung! Mung! Mung! Mung!"

(For a definition of 'Mung' go here)


Title: Like Minds
Character: Snape/Harry

You seduced me with such care, such passion. And I trusted you.

Until they found us.

With my young lover's arms around my neck, there was no possibility of denial. Out of a job, out of my home, out of all polite society.


You hate me so much you would use your body to destroy me? And I was foolish enough to believe your words of love. Now there is only hate in your eyes. And triumph.

How could you resent someone so much, for childhood taunts, that you would want to destroy them so utterly?

I understand, perfectly.


Title: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Pairing/Character: Snape
Challenge: Snape's Happiest Memory

The problem with a Patronus that's so clearly Sirius Black falling through the veil into death, is that he can never really show it off. He was so pleased when he finally, after all these miserable years, had such a happy memory he could send a silvery, if stupid, Patronus stumbling after the Dementors, but he know's no one who would not be horrified if he boasted.

And now, with Dementors all around them, he realises he's in trouble. He can cast, and face scorn, or not cast, and die.

In the end, he throws a rock and runs away.

This graphic about wizarding prostitutes (inspired by many 'Failed to become a wizard, so therefore became a prostitute' stories) is from the Thank You Fest, we did for Luthien and Tboy as thanks for their efforts on the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest.

Title: Lies in Silence
Challenge: Snape's best memory

Everyone knows Snape’s Patronus is Dumbledore, a silvered image that strides forward, grim faced, to hunt down the enemy. Snape’s happy memory was one of the things that ensured his acceptance back into the ‘light’, into the fold at Hogwarts and safety. Dumbledore himself is flattered and smug when Snape is forced to send his Patronus to face down the Dementor’s that threaten them.

What none of them know is that the Patronus silently speaks, its silvery mouth silent as it speaks the words that form Snape’s happiest memory, when, ashen-faced, broken, Dumbledore had said:

“James Potter has been killed...”

This cartoon inspired a story, by Bridget, which you can read here

Title: Best Served Hot
Character: Snape/Black and Voldemort

Inspired by a story by Snapetoy, in which Snape rapes Black in order to save his life.

"He's yours, Severus, a gift to my favourite. Do as you wish."

There were ways to save Black from death. Snape thinks frantically about his options as the Dark Lord gloated about his gift.

Snape could use a bonding spell to humiliate Black. He could rape his old tormentor, torture him, crutio and say he was returning the man's shattered husk to Dumbledore to make a point.

Black met his gaze, understanding Snape's thoughts, looking smug and confident. Snape remembered that look, from times he worked over every petty humiliation in his memory like tonguing a sore tooth.

"Avada Kadava!"


Just watching Iron Chef on telly - egg plant, gross - and thought, hmm... there's fic in that. Then I thought, no, there isn't fic in that. But hey, American style haiku add class when content is missing!
Iron Potion Master Snape

Challenged by Potter
Iron Potion Master Snape
must keep his title

They must do their best
With challenge ingredient
Bits of giant squid

First they must get squid
Defeating the squid's friend
Grounds keeper Hagrid

The cephalopod
With their young apprentices
They wrestle to death

The potion masters
With a great deal of fanfare
glare over cauldrons

They chop and boil and
Cut and grind, finding time to
Smirk at each other

Time limit one hour
Modulated fire and sweat
Concentrating hard
Harry watches Snape sweat
And wishes he could lick it off
Very distracting

Snape does not look up
Twenty years experience
His nerves like iron

Harry does his best
Invisibility his

But Snape is flawless
His 'defeat Dark Lord special'
Stoppered death potion

The end of an hour
Harry's feet are still showing
Gives away his goose

Snape smirks, the winner
Graceful in his victory
Gooses Harry back

Snape wins a blowjob
Severus supreme master
Learns Harry's true skill


Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Notes: Written for the HP Squick Drabble community.   I forget the challenge, something about Marauders Bestiality.

“Imperio! Take the spy down!” Knott cursed, “That’ll fuck him.” Then he walked away from the chained and naked captives as Lupin’s change started.

Snape and Lupin stared at each other, Snape’s face white with terror, old fear, lycanthrophobia. Lupin’s expression blank and peaceful despite its monstrous transformation.

Snape closed his eyes feeling Lupin’s hot breath in his face, hot saliva dripping onto his neck.

As furry forearms clamped around his middle, a hairy belly heavy on his back, he lost bladder control. When he felt a hot moist probe insistent at his behind, he cried, realising Lupin had misunderstood.



Title: If Bill Gates made Cauldrons

Snape smirked gleefully at his new cauldron. A new, fancy, expensive model with transparent windows in the side that would allow him to view all levels of the potion, and divisions which would allow him to create several potions independently. It had cost a fortune, but everyone used these, and he wouldn't be compatible with the new ingredient measuring systems unless he used one too.

He'd just got three potions in motion, when all mixing and stirring abruptly stopped, and his potions all went a bright glaring blue.

"Oh no", said Snape, "A fatal error has occurred!"

And he died.


This was written for a friend who wanted for gang rape and hermaphroditism, but I'm removing the rape part, because I'm a wuss. I also wrote this for Fandom_Scruples

'So this is how to make friends!' thought Snape to himself, watching Pettigrew out the corner of his eye, as the plump boy alternated his lookout duties with an odd jigging dance, obviously wanting to get to where the action was.

Snape chortled, returning his attention to Lupin's cock, sucking with enthusiasm as Lupin reacted to the chortle, fucking Snape's face so hard that Snape was forced back onto the fat, enthusiastic cocks that pounded him from behind; Potter, underneath him, buried deep into the tiny, distended cunt that nestled behind Snape's balls, and Black into Snape's well lubricated arsehole.

A challenge I received: Write a Snape/Hagrid drabble as if Dumbledore was > writing it.

Naked Time

Hagrid, the lovely and utterly dependable half-giant, gave Severus Snape a lovely pair of socks.

"Oh, they are lovely!" Said Snape, and gave him a big hug, because deep inside, Snape is a sweetheart, I know, I leglimanced him, and who doesn't like socks?

"I love you, Severus," said Hagrid and they had another big, warm hug.

Hagrid cried happily, and Snape said he would never be mean to anyone again, as all he'd ever wanted was for someone to love him and give him socks.

Then they had sex lovely lemon sherbets.

And everyone lived happily ever after!

The Harry Potter Edible Undies Poem
A poem sparked by comments about Peking Duck flavoured Edible Underpants.

Ron is cheap in Chocolate Frog
Snape's resplendent in Eye of Dog
Hagrid's happy in Treacle Toffee
Flitwick's sexy in tea (not coffee)
Hermione is starting to put on pudge
Since Harry had taken to wearing Fudge.

Dumbledore twinkles in Lemon Drop
(he didn't get those from a shop)
Hooch is secretly wearing Whisky
She's hoping that sprout is feeling frisky
Unfortunately her evening will be quiet -
The Herbology Teacher is on a diet.

These haiku and limmericks were done for Cybele_San.   We were asked to do Snape/Harry, but that's not my strong point.  This is the best my reach would do.

Foul stinking children
the smell lingers long after
Harry leaves my bed

Azkaban beckons
Fucking a young boy is so

I would rather be
sleeping with the grounds keeper
he's hung like a horse

I don't mind Harry
It's having to sleep with his
uncle I don't like
Strong quidditch muscles
Inner thighs - broomstick riding

Lustful goings on
The hallowed halls of Hogwarts
Portraits blush in shame

Pregnant and alone
the price of ignorance and
a faulty mpreg spell
Once was a wizard name Snape
Snuck young boys under his cape
When he did shout
the Headmaster found out
He got done for statutory rape

Animagus Snape - the squid
Fucked Harry and Filch - the squib
In fact - anybody!
if they had the lolly
He'd even do Fudge for a quid


Fairy Jim (Sentinel)

I always wanted to write Jim (Ellison, from The Sentinel) as a fairy. Just to spoof the whole concept.

"The next person who calls me a fairy is going to get punched!"

"But Jim... you've got wings..."

"That doesn't make me a fairy, chief!"

"Then... what does it make you?"

"I'm... a person living with extra aviatable abilities."

"That makes it sound like a disease."

"Yeah, well, it's better than all the guys laughing at me because they think I'm a fairy."

"Jim, you are a fairy! Face it. You've learned to deal with being a Sentinel, now you can learn to deal with being a fairy. Oh, I can see a great thesis in this... How elvish blood affects the genomes encouraging extra sensory abilities..."


"Yes, Jim?"

"At least spell it right. Faery, okay? F. A. E. R. Y. With an 'E'."

"You got it. I take it you're not sidhe?"

"She? No! I'm a guy! I might twinkle, but I'm still a guy. I'm never going to live this down."

"You know, Jim, I always thought I was maybe a little bit elvish. Maybe a few generations back, on my father's side..."

"Chief, you're short, dumpy, hairy, and you've got a face like a girl. If you're anything, you're a hobbit."


"Go on, take your shoes off. Let's see those feet."

"Sometimes, I really hate you."

"Here, have some faery dust."

"Oooooooooo I can smell colours..."

Snape Does Drag (HP)

So there's this rather good story where Snape ends up in women's clothes. I won't name it, in case the author thinks I'm poking fun. Which I'm not. I enjoyed the first story in the series very much.

But, it got me thinking about dressing up in women's clothes (something I do myself, quite frequently, fact). What if he did? What if, say, for argument's sake, Snape made a bet with Black and lost and his forfeit was to dress up in women's clothes? Now, of course, we know realistically that wouldn't happen. Snape would tell Black to cram something with multiple sharp edges up his rectum and turn it 43 degrees sideways before agreeing to any kind of bet with him, but, this is just for the sake of argument. And, while we're arguing, I'd like to also say that you're wrong! Just because. So, he's lost his bet, (what was the bet? You tell me. Why do I have to do tall the work? Don't make me come over there!), perhaps it goes a bit like this:


"Hey, Snape, did you forget? Today you're supposed to wear women's clothes all day," Black pointed out. His disappointment at not being able to mock Snape yet was palpable.

"I am," Snape said, cooly, raising one eyebrow and moving to sit down in the staff room.

"You're in pants and a t shirt! I'll give that you're in muggle clothes, but you're not in women's clothes!"

"I am!. T shirts are perfectly common, and if I wear sensible shoes, that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian."

"Pants, Snape, you should be wearing a skirt!"

"These are jeans. As far as I can tell, nearly all muggle women wear jeans at some point. I have made the concession of pulling them up high, though."

"Oh, that does not count. And you're not wearing make up!"

"Professor McGonigall," Snape leaned over to ask the deputy head, "Have you ever worn make up?"

"I should think not!" McGonigall huffed, mouth thinning, "I'm not some cheap trollop getting around with painted cheeks!"

"Exactly. Black, you did not specify I had to dress as a 'cheap trollop', just that I had to dress as a muggle woman, no wizarding robes."

Black muttered under his breath, "I bet you're not wearing sexy undies, either."

"No, but I am wearing quite comfortable grannie knickers. They may not look like much, and they are huge, but they don't ride up or give me lace burn."

"Well, where's your bra?" Black was outraged.

"Madame Hooch, do you wear a bra?"

"I don't need to," she said, casually, running a hand down her lean, sportswoman figure.

"Again, exactly. And neither do I. Why should I go around with ridiculous padded undergarments, when very few women of my age bother?"

"You're not a woman."

"No, but I am dressed as one."